


Songs

by cirobert



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Kissing, M/M, Rough Sex, Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 08:10:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 45
Words: 66,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9875594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cirobert/pseuds/cirobert
Summary: I love music and I love Supernatural so naturally those two combine to inspire most of my pics. Here are some that I deem publish worthy lol The song that inspired the fics are at the beginning with relevant lyrics so please feel free to listen to the songs and enjoy! And as always, feedback is appreciated :)





	1. Chapter 1

**Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen**

Castiel didn’t know what prompted him to save the old guitar he saw on the side of the road at a yard sale but as soon as he did he knew it was something special. The strings were broken, easily replaced, the wood was scratched, easily repaired, but there was just something about the sad little instrument that screamed out for saving. He paid $3 for it and felt that he had gotten quite the bargain.  
“You don’t even play guitar Cas.” Dean teased him as he lovingly worked to fill in the scratches in the wood.  
“I can learn.” Cas replied.   
“What use does an angel have for a guitar?” Sam asked him but unlike Dean his comment didn’t contain the teasing, he was genuinely curious.  
“It just looked like it needed help.” Cas shrugged. Dean and Sam exchanged a brother look and Dean rolled his eyes. Hell if the angel wanted a guitar then let him have a guitar.

Castiel had never fixed anything in his life, not with his own two hands. With Sam’s suggestion on looking through YouTube for repair tutorials and instructional videos on how to play he would spend all his spare time learning. He fixed up the old broken acoustic and within a surprisingly short amount of time the boys were listening to him practice.   
“He’s a natural of course.” Sam said one evening as the brothers shared a six pack watching Cas strum at his guitar.  
“He’s a freaking angel, of course he’s a natural.” Dean rolled his eyes. He was watching Cas closely. The angel had stripped off his trench and jacket and rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt to strum the guitar. His eyes were glued to the computer screen and he had a little scrunch in his nose while he listened to the instructions. As soon as the instructor finished with a tip he’d look down at the guitar, place his fingers along the strings and try it. Dean thought it was absolutely adorable.  
“Oh god.” Sam rolled his eyes and took a drink of his beer.  
“What?” Dean asked looking over at his brother.  
“You’ve got that look.” Sam bitch faced him.  
“What look?” Dean asked confused. Cas strummed the start of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in the background.  
“The same look whenever you see someone attractive play an instrument. I swear dude you some have weird music fetish.” Sam told him.  
“Can it Sammy.” Dean blushed but went back to watching Cas playing.

“Can’t believe the stupid angel ditched us for music lessons again.” Dean complained as him and Sam sat in a bar sharing nachos and beers.  
“I can’t believe he found someone willing to take him teach him in such short notice.” Sam said.  
“Its a freaking guitar, not some holy object. Why is he so obsessed?” Dean drank some more of his beer.  
“Maybe he wants something to distract him. With all the shit we deal with a hobby would be nice.” Sam suggested.  
“Then why not take up a real hobby, like pool hustling or poker?”   
“Why is this bothering you so much Dean? Are you actually jealous of a guitar?” Sam teased his brother.   
“Again dude? Can you get off the ‘Dean’s in love with Cas’ train for one night?” Dean shot him a glare.  
“Nope, I’m shipping you two hard brother.” Sam grinned when Dean glared at him harder.  
Many beers later they returned to their room to find Cas on one of the beds with his sleeves rolled up and a look on concentration on his face. He was playing the guitar like an expert, each slide of his fingers and stroke of his hand careful and precise. But that wasn’t what made Dean freeze in the doorway and had Sam running into his back. Cas was singing.  
  
_Baby I’ve been here before_  
 _I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor, you know_  
 _I used to live alone before I knew you_  
 _And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch_  
 _And love is not a victory march_  
 _Its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah_  
 _Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

Cas stopped singing and looked up at the boys shyly. There was a flush to his cheeks but his blue eyes were sparkling.  
“Dude, you were right.” Dean breathed out quietly.  
“About what?” Sam asked looking over his shoulder.  
“I’m in love with Cas.”


	2. Angel by Theory Of A Deadman

Cas never knew what to make of Dean Winchester. Not from the second he raised him from perdition. He was the bravest, loyalest, smartest man that he knew but he was also the stupidest.   
Getting Dean to talk about himself was like banging your head against the wall. Except that eventually either your head or the wall would cave in. Dean wouldn’t. The only time he ever spoke about himself, except to berate himself of course, was when he was drunk or when the end of the world was upon them. It drove Castiel absolutely nuts.  
“Come on Dean, just please talk to me!” Cas demanded one evening as they sat in the bunker and Dean tried to drink himself into a coma. It had been a bad day, the demons and angels converging on them at once to cause problems.   
“Whats to talk about Cas? I messed up and now we’re paying for it. Should be pretty used to this by now.” Dean said into his whisky bottle. Sam had begged off the pity train hours ago but Cas was determined that Dean would talk.  
“You are the most stubborn human I have ever met!” Cas threw up his hands and in a rare show of emotion from the angel he growled and kicked a table. Dean’s eyebrows raised but that was all.  
“Looks like I’m not the one that needs to talk.” Dean pointed out.  
“Yes, I have a lot of things to say to you Dean but I won’t, not until I know you’ll listen. And if you won’t talk then you won’t listen. I gave up everything I was for you. I gave up everything I’ve ever known, for you Dean! And you’ve never once bothered to consider why that was?” Cas turned on Dean with anger flashing in his eyes. Dean studied him but didn’t open his mouth. With a huff of frustration Cas flew off leaving him alone to drink.

“How can I ever tell him I love him when he won’t even tell me when he’s hurting?” Castiel asked the empty sky as he sat in a field surrounded by stars. He had no one to talk to, no friends to turn to. So it was here that he released his questions to the universe and hoped for an answer. So far there had never been one. He secretly hoped that his brother Gabriel might be out there listening in secret but he knew it was silly to hope. His brother was gone, forever.

“You sure know how to screw things up Dean.” Sam said as Dean strolled in to the bunker kitchen. He had a serious case of bedhead and no shirt on.  
“Already told Cas that you all should be used to that by now.” Dean growled and went to the fridge for some water. Couple of aspirin should clear his hang over right up he figured.  
“That’s not what I’m talking about.” Sam told him. He was leaning back against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest.  
“Sammy, its too early and I’m too hungover to deal with your chick flick moment right now.” Dean said tossing back the pills and water.  
“Well too fucking bad.” Sam said. He stood up and closed in on his brother.  
“I heard what Cas said last night Dean and you just let him fly off like that.” he said backing Dean into the wall.  
“Whoa Sammy, come on. What did he say? The same old spiel about rebelling against heaven for us?” Dean argued.  
“Not us Dean, it was never for us. It was for you!” Sam said. Dean shook his head.  
“No Sam, there’s no way someone would do something that important for me. Its just not possible.”  
“Listen you fucking idiot, Castiel has sacrificed everything and everyone he knew to be here with you. He disobeyed his orders, he killed his siblings, he risked his own neck again and again and you still can’t get that it was for you! Not me, not humanity, not any of the millions of excuses you’ve convinced yourself of. It…was…for…you!” Sam yelled into his brothers face.  
“Sammy…” Dean’s eyes were shining because for once he was actually hearing what Sam was saying. And he didn’t know how to deal with it.  
“Its fine if you don’t feel the same way about him, but stop lying about his end of things. That angel loves you Dean wether you want him to or not. So decide what you want to do about it and just fucking do it.” Sam backed up and then left the kitchen. Dean slid down the wall and put his head in his hands.

“Come on Cas buddy, this is kind of important.” Dean paced floor of the bathroom in the bar him and Sam were currently drinking in. It was karaoke night and normally both brothers would have rather sell their souls to Crowley then be here but Dean had asked his brother for help.   
“What?” Castiel’s gravel voice asked from behind Dean and Dean spun around quickly.  
“Hey Cas, how’re you doing?” Dean asked suddenly tense and shoving his hands in his pockets.  
“What is it Dean, you said it was important.” Cas reminded him not willing to pay friendly right now.  
“Uh right. Well Sam and I wanted to show you something but you got to trust me ok?” Dean asked the angel. Blue soul searching eyes bore into him.  
“Alright.” Cas nodded after a minute. Grinning Dean grabbed him by the arm and pulled him outside to a table in the front where Sam was waiting. Dean handed the angel off to his brother before disappearing.  
“Hello Sam.” Cas greeted the other Winchester.  
“Hey Cas, glad you came.” Sam smiled at him and handed him a beer.  
“Dean said there was something important you wanted to show me?” Cas asked leaving the beer untouched in front of him.  
“There is, and its getting on stage now.” Sam grinned harder and motioned for Cas to look at the stage.  
To Castiel’s vast surprise Dean was settling onto the stool they had placed onstage for the karaoke and he had a guitar in his hands. Cas hadn’t even known Dean knew how to play.  
“What…” Cas began but Dean spoke into the mike and he trailed off.  
“Hey everyone, my name’s Dean and I’m just warning you now that I’m about to pass out from fear being up here.” Dean said with a charming smile and the crowd laughed.  
“I wanted to sing a song tonight but the didn’t have it on the playlist. Thought I’d improvise if that’s ok with everyone.” he said bringing the guitar into his lap and the crowd began to clap.   
“Alright then. This song goes out to a special angel in my life and I pray he knows I mean every word.” Dean said before looking down and starting to play. The tune was unfamiliar to the crowd but Dean played beautifully. And then he started to sing.  
  
_I’m in love with an angel, Heaven forbid_  
 _Made me a believer, with touch of his skin_  
 _I’d go to hell and back with you_  
 _Stay lost in what we found_  
 _World’s apart we were the same_  
 _Until we hit the ground_  
 _Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I’m weak_  
 _Maybe I’m blinded by what I see_  
 _I’m in love with an angel who’s afraid of the light_  
 _His halo is broken but there’s fight in his eyes_  
  
The room fell silent as Dean finished his shortened version of the song he had chosen. His eyes were closed but when he opened them they immediately found Cas in the crowd. He was shocked, his mouth slightly open and a flush in his cheeks. Dean smiled shyly and suddenly the crowd erupted in applause. Dean blushed a deep red when he realized he was still on stage and every set of eyes was on him. He quickly exited and made his way to his table.  
“Cas I…” he began but Castiel had no time for talk. Grabbing Dean by the neck he pulled him in for a deep soul searching kiss. Sam smiled but eventually coughed in embarrassment.  
“I love you Dean.” Cas said pulling back and laying his forehead against Dean’s.   
“I love you too Castiel.” 


	3. Warriors by Imagine Dragons

_As a child you would wait_  
_And watch from far away._  
_But you always knew that you'd be the one_  
_That work while they all play._  
_In youth you'd lay_  
_Awake at night and scheme_  
_Of all the things that you would change,_  
_But it was just a dream!_  
_Here we are, don't turn away now,_  
_We are the warriors that built this town._  
_Here we are, don't turn away now,_  
_We are the warriors that built this town_  
_From dust._  
_Will come_  
_When you'll have to rise_  
_Above the best and prove yourself,_  
_Your spirit never dies!_  
_Farewell, I've gone to take my throne above,_  
_But don't weep for me_  
_'Cause this will be_  
_The labor of my love_

Castiel was never a child, he was born a soldier and he would always be a soldier. He watched as humans played on earth, their lives, though short and ultimately pointless, were filled with play. The majority of them had no desire to be better, no desire to do more but chase the ever elusive happiness that Castiel had heard of. So he regarded them as beneath him and his brethren.  
Castiel lived his thousands of years fighting evil, following his Father’s orders to seek out and destroy the infestation that the demons had become. But he never really saw the point. If humans were so weak as to fall victim to the demon’s lies then why fight to save them?  
He was widely known as one of Heaven’s greatest soldiers, a commander of his own garrison and undefeated in battle. While other angels became fascinated with the humans and their penchant for games, he stood by and waited for orders. He watched his brothers and sisters fall victim to human vices and watched as one by one they fell from Heaven. Castiel mourned their lose but never once wondered if it had been worth it to them.  
Until he was given the order to rescue the Righteous Man from Hell.  
  
Castiel knew the rescue could possibly kill him. And he accepted that as easily as he accepted every other command he had been given. He knew the risks but for the love of his Father he was proud to be the one to lead his soldiers into Hell and raise the man from Perdition. He gathered his garrison and descended upon Hell with the holy host. Many demons opposed them, each dying in a single swipe of Castiel’s angel blade. His brothers and sisters fought at his side valiantly, each believing in God’s command. But the further they pushed into Hell the more fell to the demons. So many fell that soon it was only Castiel alone and battling the hordes.  
He prayed to his Father for strength, for courage in the face of the ultimate death. But never once did he consider abandoning his mission and fleeing back to Heaven. Castiel did not know how to run.  
It looked that he would fail though as the demons descended upon him. He sent his apologies to Heaven, begging his Father’s forgiveness for his failure. But then something changed, the demons turned to flee and not from him. Turning his gaze behind him Castiel finally set eyes upon the Righteous Man and he would be forever changed because of it.  
It was the most pure and blinding soul the Castiel had ever seen. No words in any human tongue, or even angelic, could describe the colours shifting through the soul like waves. Sure there was demon smut flickering at the edges but it didn’t take away from the absolute brilliance of the soul. Castiel found himself reaching out to touch it.  
When his fingers sank into the pure heat of the Righteous Man’s soul he shattered. His entire being split apart and was remade into a new creature. No longer was Castiel just a soldier of God, he was now more. Thoughts rushed through him, feelings and desires surging through his body making him mad with the sensations. But the soul wasn’t done with him yet. It instilled in him a new purpose, a solid foundation that would guide Castiel the rest of his existence.  
**PROTECT DEAN WINCHESTER**


	4. Fix You by Coldplay

_When you try your best but you don't succeed_  
_When you get what you want but not what you need_  
_When you feel so tired but you can't sleep_  
_Stuck in reverse_  
_When the tears come streaming down your face_  
_When you lose something you can't replace_  
_When you love someone but it goes to waste_  
_Could it be worse?_  
_Lights will guide you home_  
_And ignite your bones_  
_And I will try to fix you_

Dean didn’t know how he was driving the Impala without crashing but he did know there as no way in hell he was stopping. Tears blurred his vision, his eyes swollen and red from fighting the sobs that wanted to break him down. But he had to get home, he had to get back to him.  
He looked at the road signs as he passed, his determination growing with every mile that went by. Only 30 more miles to go…20….10…  
Dean pulled the Impala into the rough gravel road that lead to Rufus’s cabin, the home base for the Winchesters for a while now. Things weren’t going well and this had been the best solution for them even if it was a little rougher then they were used to. Even if Sam complained about the lack of Wifi…Oh God Sammy…  
“Almost there, almost there.” Dean chanted the mantra to himself as he pushed the car even harder then he had been. The engine revved angrily and his baby started to complain about the abuse. Running his hand lovingly over her dash Dean apologized to the car that was his first love. She was a good girl, having taken him from one side of this country to another with his brother in the passenger seat. There were knicks, dents, scratches, broken panels and squeaking springs but she was his.  
Finally he saw it, the cabin with candles in the window. Dean knew they would be there, he had promised to leave a light on for him at all times so that he would find his way home. Dean shook his head at how literal he was some times.  
Dean pulled the Impala into the drive and slammed on the brakes. Gravel flew and Dean was throwing open the door as soon as she stopped. He didn’t even get his feet on the porch when the cabin door opened and there he was.  
“Dean?” Cas’s voice was low and stoney like it always was but Dean didn’t take the time to think about how it affected him right now. Instead he threw himself into the ex-angels arms and let the sobs come. He broke down like a child and let Cas hold him while all the pain and exhaustion came pouring out. And Cas just held him.  
“Its ok Dean, its ok, I’m here. I’m here for you. What is it Dean? Whats happened?” Cas whispered against his hair as Dean crumpled in his arms. He let Dean pull him down to the deck and held him in his lap while he cried.  
“I…I can’t Cas, I can’t…” Dean whimpered out between wails. Cas ran his hand in circles on Dean’s leather clad back and held his head to his chest.  
“Its ok Dean, I’m here. I’ve got you.” Cas soothed him.  
“No, its not ok Cas, its never ok!” Dean yelled but he didn’t push Castiel away. He needed the comfort that the man gave him, even if he wasn’t ready to think about why.  
“Tell me what happened Dean.” Cas begged pulling up his chin so that he could look into the red rimmed green eyes he loved so much. Dean tried to hold his gaze, he really did. He wanted nothing more then to get lost in Cas’s angel blue eyes but he couldn’t, not now.  
“Where’s Sam Dean?” Cas asked him quietly even though the thought he already knew the answer.  
“Sam…Sam’s dead Cas. And this time he’s not coming back.” Dean whispered as fresh tears escaped his lids.  
“Oh Dean.” Cas’s voice hitched and that started a new wave of sobs from the boy in his arms. Cas gathered Dean close and let him cry. Soon Dean had exhausted himself to the point of passing out and Castiel picked him up and carried him into the cabin. A clean bed was waiting in his room and he slid Dean inside. Pulling up the blanket Cas turned to leave but Dean’s arm shot out and grabbed him.  
“No, can’t be alone…not alone.” Dean begged Cas and with a nod Cas sat down on the edge of the bed. Dean closed his eyes and in seconds was gone again. Grief radiated from him in waves and Castiel let his own tears come.  
Castiel wasn’t an angel any more, his grace was gone and he was empty. But he swore on his Father’s name that he would not let Dean do this alone. Never alone. If it took him the rest of this human life he didn’t care. He would fix Dean Winchester.


	5. Shut Up And Let Me Go by The Ting Tings

‘I’m going to kill him’ Dean growled to himself as he pushed himself up out of the bed to the sound of music. He glanced at his watch and growled some more. He had gotten a grand total of three hours of sleep and he was NOT happy about it.  
He threw open his door and was just drawing in his breath to scream Sam’s name when there was a rather large moose paw slapped over his mouth.  
“Shhhhh.” Sam said putting his finger to his lips. When Dean nodded Sam slowly and silently led his brother to the main room of the bunker where there was music playing.  
“Whats going on Sam?” Dean whispered to his brother’s back.  
“You’ll see.” Sam said throwing him a stupid grin over his shoulder. Dean rolled his eyes and just kept following him.  
When they got to the doorway Sam motioned a stop and leaned up against the wall. Dean moved around him so that he could look out. And when he did his jaw dropped.  
“Come on Cas, loosen up!” Claire was saying as she danced around the angel to the tune of some modern music. Castiel was watching the girl dance with a look of both confusion and curiosity on his face. He had thrown off his jackets and was in just his dress shirt and pants which threw Dean off even more.  
“What is Claire doing here?” he drew back out of the doorway to whisper at Sam.  
“Cas said he was going to try to convince her to go back to Jodi’s but I guess he took her here instead.” Sam shrugged looking out.  
“Castiel! Come on!” Claire sounded extremely frustrated.  
“I do not dance Claire.” Cas said crossing his arms but when Dean took a closer look he saw that the angel was tapping his foot to the music.  
“Everyone dances Cas, not everyone dances well that’s all.” Claire teased him by dancing in circles around him. She was hopping happily when Cas reached out to grab her arm.  
“Cas?” she asked when suddenly he was spinning her around the room like he was in one of those old timey pre war dance halls. The music wasn’t jazz like Dean pictured it should be but the tune was close enough that Cas seemed to be able to follow it.  
Claire began to laugh wildly as Cas spun and swung her around. He even surprised everyone by smiling that oh so rare but beautiful full smile that exposed all of his teeth and crinkled his eyes. Castiel danced her around and when the song ended he dipped her, both of them laughing deeply.  
“Wow Cas, I’m impressed.” Claire said as he stood her back up and she straightened her hair.  
“I have been around a long time Claire, and I did manage to pick up a thing or two.” Castiel told her with a slight flush.  
“Any other surprises?” Claire asked picking up her iPod and skimming through the music on it.  
“I can juggle as well.” Cas shrugged and Claire burst out laughing. Dean and Sam shared a look and began to walk back down the hall way to their rooms.  
“So Cas can dance.” Sam said smiling.  
“And juggle.” Dean chuckled.   
“Good night Dean.” Sam patted his brother on the back before walking on.  
“Night Sammy.” 


	6. All Or Nothing by Theory Of A Deadman

_You've got all that I need_  
_Looking at all or nothing_  
_Babe it's you and I_  
_With you I know that_  
_I am good for something_  
_So let's go give it a try_  
_We've got our backs against the ocean_  
_It's just us against the world_  
_Looking at all or nothing_  
_Babe it's you and I_  
_Looking at all or nothing_  
_Babe it's you and I_

“I can’t believe you’re just going to go back to her!” Dean yelled as he kicked the motel table. The non offensive piece of furniture broke into a hundred pieces and Dean growled.  
“You always said you wished I could have had a normal life Dean, and Amelia is my chance at normal.” Sam said trying to calm his brother before he said things he regretted, which was Dean’s MO when he was pissed.  
“She was, but this, now, what we got? It ain’t normal.” Dean railed.  
“I’m serious Dean, I’m out. I can’t do this any more, not after having a piece of it for so long. I’m sorry I left you in Purgatory, I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to help Kevin, and I’m sorry to have to leave but I just can’t Dean, not any more.” Sam sighed running his fingers through his long hair. Dean turned on him and his eyes were deadly.  
“If you leave don’t ever come back.” he said and suddenly there was a deadly silence in the motel room. Dean immediately opened his mouth but Sam just grabbed his bag and held up his hand.  
“Just like Dad.” he said and then stormed out of the room slamming the door behind him.

Dean knew he fucked up, fucked up in so many ways it would be impossible to fix it all. But god, he had to try. Sammy was all he had left, the only reason he had to keep going. And if Sammy was gone…  
“Sam come on pick up!” Dean shouted into the phone when his call went straight to voice mail again. Growling in anger he threw the phone across the room and grabbed the bottle of whiskey that was helping him fuel his anger.  
Why the hell did Sam have to leave now? And why the hell did Dean have to go and be so stupid and say the exact same damn thing that their father had said to him when he left for Stanford? Why was he always fucking up? Why was he always the one left alone?  
Dean fought the tears that wanted to come but it was no use, and why bother really? There wasn’t any one here to see him cry, no reason not to let it out. Dean put his head in his hands and sobbed. God he missed Cas so much and now Sam was gone too.

“I’m glad you came Sam.” Amelia said in that gentle voice that Sam had missed. He couldn’t believe he had thought about walking away from her, leaving this behind to go and risk his neck again and again. Amelia was so pure, so perfect for him. Someone who gave as good as she got and wasn’t afraid to let him know when he was being a jerk. She loved him and he finally realized just how much he loved her too.  
“Me too baby.” he said pulling her close and kissing her softly in the motel room. His bag sat near the bed and he was glad to see her suitcase right there next to it. They had done it, they had chosen each other.  
“So what now?” Amelia asked looking up at him. He ran his fingers through her loose curls and smiled.  
“What ever you want, I’ve got no where to be.” he said and she grinned. Turning into the room she led Sam to the bed where they had spent their last night together. Sam knew he should feel guilty for taking Amelia away from her husband but he wasn’t going to think about it, not tonight.  
“I missed you Sam.” she said running her fingers in under his collar. Sam didn’t give her more time to talk, he didn’t want to talk. There was always talking and it always got in the way. Tonight he just wanted her, wanted to feel her under him and around him. Tomorrow they could talk, figure out what to do with the messes they had both created.  
“Its just us against the world now.” Amelia sighed as Sam’s soft lips moved down her neck and he began to frantically pull of her clothes.  
“All or nothing.” Sam said before laying her back and claiming her as his own.

“Hello Dean.” Dean’s head whipped up so fast he actually saw spots in his vision. Great, now he was hallucinating. There was no other explanation as to how Castiel could be standing in his motel room all dirty and ragged looking.  
“I don’t have time for a mental breakdown right now.” he sighed dropping his head again. The bottle of whiskey had been followed by a bottle of vodka and that had been followed by some mystery liquor he had found in the room’s mini fridge. God that one had tasted bad. And was probably what was causing him to be seeing ghosts.  
“Dean?” came Cas’s voice again. This time when Dean looked up the angel had moved closer.  
“Look either I’m dreaming you up or someone sent you here for me. Either way I’m not in the mood so leave.” Dean growled. Was he really talking to a figment of his imagination right now?  
“I’m not a dream.” Cas insisted and when Dean opened his eyes he saw the dirty white hospital shoes right in front of him.  
“Cas?” Dean whispered slowly trailing his eyes up the form of the man he had written off as gone.  
“Its me Dean, I’m here.” Cas said a little weak smile poking out from under his beard.  
“Holy fuck Cas, how the hell did you get here? How did you get out? What the fuck happened?” Dean sprang up from the bed and grabbed Cas by the shoulders. He shook the man and Cas looked put out by that. He reached up to detach Dean’s hands.  
“Its a long story, and I’d like to get cleaned up if that’s ok?” Cas said looking towards the bathroom.  
“Oh right, yeah of course. But why not mojo yourself clean?” Dean asked stepping away from him embarrassed.  
“Escaping Purgatory drained me, I’m pretty low on…mojo.” Cas said a little flush crossing his cheeks.  
“Don’t worry about it Cas, go ahead and get cleaned up if you want.” Dean said stepping back again.  
“Thank you Dean.” Cas nodded his head “where’s Sam?”  
“Sam?” Dean asked and immediately his eyes watered again. Looking away from Cas he fought the tears this time.  
“Uh, Sam is…Sam is gone I guess. Took off with the girl he had been living with while we were in Purgatory.” Dean said pulling a beer from the fridge so he wouldn’t have to look at Cas’s soul searching blue gaze.  
“I…I’ve missed a lot.” Cas said and Dean nodded. “I’ll just go get a shower now.” Dean heard the bathroom door close.  
He turned around, put down the beer, considering how drunk he had been before Cas scared him sober, and went to sit on the bed again. Cas poked his head out and looked embarrassed.  
“Dean, do you have a razor I could borrow. I’d like to get rid of this.” he said pointing to his beard. It was rather sad looking Dean thought so he dug his razor out of his duffle and handed it over.  
“Thank you.” Cas said. Their fingers brushed as they handed off the razor and Dean instantly tensed.  
Immediately he was sent back to Purgatory, all those days looking for Cas, worrying if he was dead or alive. Then finding him and fighting tooth and nail to get him out only to loose him at the very end. Dean found his heart beating erratically and his breath panted out.  
“Cas…” Dean said finally looking up into those bluer then blue eyes. Cas was looking right back at him and his unwavering gaze broke down all Dean’s defences.  
“I guess its just you and me now Dean.” Cas said in a whisper.  
“Us against the world.” Dean agreed. As Cas moved to step away Dean found himself pulling him into his arms instead. With no extra thought he covered Cas’s lips with his own, closing his eyes and finally, finally, kissing his angel.  
Cas’s beard tickled Dean and it was a little alarming but it wasn’t enough to make Dean stop. He let four years of repressed feelings pour into that kiss, the pain of loosing Cas to Purgatory still too fresh in his heart. And Cas must have felt it too because he wrapped himself around Dean and kissed him back. His lips were soft against Dean’s and when Dean licked his bottom lip Cas let his tongue inside with no hesitation. Dean’s tongue licked the inside of Cas’s mouth and Cas moaned.  
Finally Dean pulled back, his breath coming in pants and his eyes still closed. He laid his forehead against Cas’s and finally opened those green eyes to look at him.  
“All or nothing Cas, all or nothing.”


	7. Flesh by Simon Curtis

_Hold my hands above my head_   
_And push my face into the bed_   
_Cause I'm a screamer baby_   
_Make me a mute_   
_You put your hand upon my neck and feel the pulse_   
_Beat beat beat beat_   
_It's like a trigger_   
_Get me ready to shoot_   
_Wanna wrestle with me baby_   
_Here's a sneak_   
_Little peek_   
_You can dominate the game_   
_Cause I'm tough_   
_I don't play around that often_   
_When I do_   
_I'm a freak_   
_So you'd better believe_   
_I like it rough_   
_Push up to my body_   
_Sink your teeth into my_   
_Flesh_   
_Get undressed_   
_Taste the flesh_   
_Bite into me harder_   
_Sink your teeth into my_   
_Flesh_   
_Pass the test_   
_Taste the flesh_   
_Hold me up against the wall_   
_Give it till I beg_   
_Give me some more_   
_Make me bleed I like it rough_   
_Like it rough like it rough like it rough_   
_Push up to my body_   
_Sink your teeth into my_   
_Flesh_

**WARNING FOR LOTS AND LOTS OF DESTIEL SMUT**

Castiel had never felt so much…ever. His entire body was flooding with hormones and emotions that he was unequipped to deal with. And Dean seemed to know that.   
“I’m going to take care of you Cas.” Dean whispered in his ear as he had him pressed face first into the wall. The angel’s hands were pinned over his head and he had no room for movement. Dean though had lots of room to grind his hardness into Cas’s ass and he did just that. Cas moaned and attempted to push back against the feeling.  
“Stay.” Dean growled slamming his hips against Cas’s ass and pinning him against the wall that way. Cas panted out a weak cry but didn’t fight.   
“Be a good boy and maybe I’ll give you want you want.” Dean said into his ear as he let go of Cas’s wrists to trail his fingers down the clothed arms. He grabbed the fabric and tore it off.  
“Dean…” Cas whined out in a voice that was pure desire. He was trembling.  
“Do I have to gag you?” Dean hissed against his skin. His teeth bit into the skin between shoulder and neck and Cas threw back his head and groaned. Dean chuckled and continued to strip the angel who was pressed against the wall. His trench, jacket and shirt were easy enough and landed in a crumpled pile somewhere in the motel room. Dean pulled off his own jacket and shirt before reaching between Cas and the wall to grab at his belt. His fingers quickly undid the leather and moved on to the pants. Roughly he slid the fabric down Cas’s legs until he stood there with nothing but his boxers between him and the wall.  
“Beautiful angel.” Dean whispered as he nipped his teeth along Cas’s shoulder. Castiel panted and closed his eyes against the sensations Dean was pulling from his body. When he heard the zipper of Dean’s jeans he felt a new wave of blood go straight to his cock.  
“Dean…please…” Cas begged. Dean stepped out of his jeans and spun Cas around.  
“I said be quiet.” Dean said slapping his hand over Cas’s mouth. His deep green eyes were lust blown and there was a flush on his cheeks that made Cas writhe against him. He wanted contact, needed the friction his body desired.   
“Like being controlled don’t you angel?” Dean asked him taking his hand away to speak the words just over Cas’s lips. Cas nodded but didn’t speak.   
“Naughty little angel.” Dean smirked as he traced his fingers down Cas’s front until he came to the band of his boxers. He teased his finger tips just under the elastic and Cas whined. He wanted to be touched so bad, needed to feel…something.  
“Off.” Dean said and pushed the underwear down and away. Now Castiel, Angel of the Lord, was gloriously and totally naked in front of him.  
“If you move I will drag you to that bed and tie you down, got it?” Dean said and Castiel nodded. Not wasting a moment more Dean sank to his knees and wrapped those pink pouty lips around Cas.   
Cas had never felt anything remotely close to this. His entire body bucked without his consent and he had to sink his teeth into his own lip to stop from crying out. Dean sucked all of him in until he hit the back of his throat. Then slowly and torturously he pulled off. Cas was breathing so hard he was afraid he would soon pass out but it was just so…fucking…good!   
Dean sucked on the angel in front of him again and again. He swirled his tongue over Cas’s head and his fingers squeezed the balls in front of him mercilessly. Just when he knew Cas had to be getting close he pulled off and stood.  
“No, no, no, no…please Dean please…” Cas begged reaching out to grab Dean and pull him against him. Dean growled and in an instant had the angel on his knees in front of him.  
“My turn.” Dean said and Cas wasted no time pulling away the underwear and sucking Dean into his mouth eagerly. His fingers sank into the muscle of Dean’s ass and he pulled him closer still.   
“Fuck Cas…” Dean said between grit teeth. The angel was a natural cock sucker, knowing how far to suck him down and knowing exactly how he liked his teeth in his cock. Dean wrapped his fingers in Cas’s dark hair and pulled until he had Cas sucking and biting at the rhythm he wanted. All the while Cas had those blue eyes of his locked onto Dean’s face.   
“Such a good boy.” Dean praised the angel on his knees as he sucked him into his throat. Dean’s head fell back against the wall and he pushed his cock deeper into Cas’s mouth. The angel had no gag reflex and Dean found that hot as hell. It meant he could really fuck his mouth without worry. And he sure as hell did. Until he felt the familiar heat in his lower stomach that meant he was close to coming. Then he pulled Cas off and dragged him up by his hair to lick and suck at his lips.   
“I’m going to fuck you sore baby.” Dean said pushing Cas back until he fell onto the bed. The angel went with no protest and a look of desire on his face. Dean in control was everything he needed.   
“On your hands and knees angel.” Dean commanded and Cas did as he was told. He watched over his shoulder as Dean climbed onto the bed behind him. His gaze was on Cas’s ass the whole time and Cas groaned as Dean’s tongue came out and licked at his bottom lip.  
“Eager aren’t you?” Dean asked palming Cas’s cheek roughly. Cas groaned and nodded.   
“Beg me.” Dean said trailing his fingers over Cas’s opening. The angel bucked against the sensation and whined deep in his throat.  
“Fuck me Dean, please…I need you Dean, I need you…” he moaned out. Dean reached over to his duffle on the floor and grabbed the lube that he kept there now. Cas closed his eyes as he listened to the pop of the top and then flinched when he felt the cold liquid run down his ass.  
“Should I tease you more or are you ready for me?” Dean asked probing one finger inside. Castiel yelled out in pleasure at that one little intrusion and Dean chuckled.   
“Hold on to the head board.” he said and Cas wrapped his fingers around the metal rods. Giving him no more warning then that Dean sank his cock into Cas with one single thrust. The angel screamed, his body tensing and tightening around Dean’s.   
“So tight baby, always so good.” Dean hissed out as he held still and let Cas adjust.  
“More Dean please!” Cas begged. He was writhing in under the man and his cock was already weeping for release.  
“I’m not going to touch you Cas, you have to come just from me fucking you.” Dean warned and then he was pulling out and thrusting back inside with merciless strokes. Cas’s knuckles turned white on the headboard and he screamed with every move Dean made. Dean smiled. Cas was never a quiet one in the bedroom, his every sound pushing Dean closer and closer to the edge. He reached his hand up and wrapped it in Cas’s hair again. He pulled Cas up and against his chest.  
“So good baby.” he panted in Cas’s ear as Cas’s voice reached a new level with the change in position. Now every stroke of Dean’s cock was hitting his prostate and driving him insane.  
“Fuck me Dean, fuck me harder.” Cas begged the man. Dean pushed Cas back down but this time he was face first into the pillow to muffle those blood heating screams of his. Dean fucked him into the mattress hard and Cas loved every fucking second of it. Heat pooled in his belly and before he could stop it he was coming all over the sheets in under him.  
Dean knew when Cas came, his body tightened almost painfully around him. He knew it wouldn’t be long before he’d be following but he was determined to wring every last ounce of pleasure out of the angel. He gripped Cas’s hips, his fingers leaving bruises in the flesh, and rammed into hin even harder. The bed slammed against the wall and Cas screamed into the pillow.   
“You want me to fill you up angel?” Dean panted out, his body flushed and covered in sweat.  
“Yes Dean, I want to feel it.” Cas answered with a glance over his shoulder. Those blue eyes bored into Dean’s green and that sent him over the edge. Dean threw his head back and shouted at the ceiling while filling up the angel beneath him. Finally when every single drop was pulled from him he collapsed over Cas.  
“You ok?” he panted out as he laid a soft kiss on Cas’s shoulder.  
“Always.” Cas grinned at him. “But I don’t think you made me sore.”  
“Its a long night yet Cas, a long night.” Dean grinned at his angel and kissed him softly.   
In the room next door a wide eyed Sam was staring at the ceiling and reconsidering his actions that had finally gotten Dean to admit his feelings for Cas.


	8. Blood In The Cut by K.Flay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Normally I only do one story for one song but this one inspired two very different stories and I thought I should tell them all. WARNING this story contains self harm and a suicide attempt. Please proceed with caution.

_Guess I’m contagious it’d be safest if you ran_  
 _Fuck that’s what they all just end up doing in the end_  
 _Take my car and paint it black_  
 _Take my arm, break it in half_  
 _Say something, do it soon_  
 _It’s too quiet in this room_  
 _I need noise_  
 _I need the buzz of a sub_  
 _Need the crack of a whip_  
 _Need some blood in the cut_  
 _I need noise_  
 _I need the buzz of a sub_  
 _Need the crack of a whip_  
 _Need some blood in the cut_  
 _I need blood in the cut_  
 _I need blood in the cut_

**DEAN**  
Dean stared at the blade in his hand in curiosity. He didn’t remember picking it up but he did remember the sounds of the screaming it caused. And those screams were what he needed right now. Anything to make him feel something other then misery and pain.  
Dean looked down at the gleaming blade and watched as the blood dripped from the tip and splattered onto the dark concrete floor at his feet. It joined the pool that was spilling from the body on the table. The light blonde hair was stained with the dark red of their own blood and Dean finally looked up.  
The body was carved in pieces, all made so that the victim would suffer through it all but never pass out. Dean was very good at making people pass out but that didn’t serve his purpose today. Today he needed the screams and begging to make him feel.   
‘Feels good don’t it boy? Knowing those people are begging you for their lives, begging you to make it stop, just stop.’   
Dean spun around looking for the demon hissing in his ear. He knew that voice, knew the demon it belonged to was gone and dead. Put there by the same hand holding the bleeding blade right now.  
Turning back Dean saw the the body on the table was useless to him now, the life spilled onto the floor along with the metallic blood. So he put down his blade, lifted the corpse and threw it to the floor with the others. He was getting quite a pile of them here, soon he’d had to do something about that.   
“Oh god, please no!” a voice screamed as he grabbed them from the cage and dragged them to the table. He didn’t listen, just picked them up, tied them down and grabbed his blade. The first cut was the best, the screaming the purest and strongest. The metal sliced through skin and muscles alike, not caring about the pain it was causing. Dean liked the blade. There were other weapons and tools he some times used but the blade was his favourite. It was simple, it was dependable, it was…pure.  
‘Not too deep yet boy, you know that makes them pass out. Got to make this last don’t we?’ the lispy whisper was back in his ear but Dean ignored it. He felt his fingers growing slick with blood and switched hands to wipe them off in his already crusted jeans.   
They were screaming proper now, blood curdling, throat tearing screams that often meant they were right on the verge of absolute surrender. For the first time in years Dean smiled.

 

**CAS**

Castiel didn’t remember picking up the blade. He didn’t remember sliding it along his skin and he didn’t remember the blood filling the cut. But as he watched the blood well to the surface and spill down his white skin he did know one thing: it made him feel. Cas put the small razor back to his arm and pulled it along again. Stinging and then more metallic red liquid pooling and then falling to the tile of the bunker bathroom. It joined the three other drops and Cas watched them distractedly. Shaking his head he put the blade back to his skin and drew it across over and over again. More stinging, more blood and a bigger pool now.   
He did sit on the lid of the toilet though. It gave him the opportunity to pull off his coat completely and roll up his sleeves. More cuts, more blood and finally Cas felt something more. For the first time since this had all started he felt something other then guilt. He felt something other then loneliness and uselessness. He let his fingers go lax and dropped the tiny blade to the floor. Sitting back he let his head fall back against the wall and let the sensations of pain and lethargy fill his mind.  
“Cas? Castiel?!” came a voice from far away and Cas ignored it. It was warm here, warm and dark and soothing. His mind was clear for the first time in months.   
“God don’t do this to me Cas, I can’t do this right now. Cas, Cas?! Come on Cas.” the voice was cutting through the fog. Cas hated it, hated the voice and the person it belonged to. Wait? What? No he didn’t…did he? And that was the root of the problem, no matter how much he wanted to he just couldn’t hate Dean Winchester.  
“Sam, Sammy! Get in here, it Cas.”   
“What…oh my god, what happened?” came another voice, this one not having quite the same impact on his happy darkness as the other.   
“I don’t know but there’s the blade. Help me get him to the bed so we can close these cuts. Fuck, Sam, do you see how deep that one is?”  
“Don’t focus on that now Dean, lets get him fixed up.”   
He was being lifted and his head fell back into an uncomfortable position. Dammit, couldn’t they just leave him alone to enjoy the nothingness? Cas struggled to wake up, to tell them to leave him, to let him go. But all that came through was a moan and his eyelids fluttering.   
“He’s trying to wake up, that’s a good sign right?” Dean asked his brother. Then Cas was being laid on the bed and warm water was being put to his skin. The cuts stung and Cas struggled against it. He wanted to go back to the nothing…back to not feeling all these things. But they ignored him, went about their work of torturous cleaning and stitching. Cas’s world filled with irritating pain and he started to groan.  
“Cas, are you ok buddy? Are you with us?” Dean’s voice was next to his ear and Cas turned towards it. He managed to open one eye and stared at the deep green.   
“Let me go.” he croaked out. Dean’s eyes were filling with tears but there was an anger there as well. Well good, Cas shouldn’t be the only to feel all these emotions. Let the Righteous Man suffer along with the fallen angel. It was only right since he was the one who had made the angel do it all in the first place.  
“No way, never going to happen. You know us Winchesters just can’t let things die.” Dean gave him a weak smile and ran his fingers through Cas’s hair. Cas growled and turned his face away from him. He saw Sam on the other side still patching up an arm. Sam looked at him with those soft hazel eyes.  
“Rest Cas, we’ll talk about this later.” Sam told him. Cas shook his head and just stared at the ceiling.  
Why couldn’t they just leave him alone? Let him do this one last thing. It was so much easier then dealing with all the guilt, all the mistakes, all the…emotions that swamped him every damn minute of every damned day.   
“You can’t leave me Cas, I won’t let you.” Dean whispered against his ear and Cas felt the tears finally escape his eyes and roll down his cheeks. Damn that voice, damn that man. With the last of his energy Cas turned his head to look at Dean.  
“I need you man, I do.” Dean told him and tears were also leaking down his face. Cas looked into his eyes and for the first time thought he might see something close to what he himself felt.  
“Ok Dean.” he said and then gave in to the call of the darkness.

 


	9. Way Down We Go by Kaleo

_Father tell me, we get what we deserve_   
_Oh we get what we deserve_   
_And way down we go_   
_Way down we go_   
_Say way down we go_   
_Way down we go_   
_You let your feet run wild_   
_Time has come as we all oh, go down_   
_Yeah but for the fall oh, my_   
_Do you dare to look him right in the eyes?_   
_'Cause they will run you down, down til the dark_   
_Yes and they will run you down, down til you fall_   
_And they will run you down, down til you go_   
_Yeah so you can't crawl no more_   
_And way down we go_   
_Way down we go_   
_Say way down we go_   
_'Cause they will run you down, down til you fall_   
_Way down we go_

Sam wiped angrily at the tears blurring his vision. He didn’t have time for them right now, not when he had so much work to do. He glanced in his rear view mirror and at the sight of his brother in the backseat he sped the Impala up.  
Mile markers came and went while Sam counted the minutes until he saw the lights of the city ahead. He knew where he was going and he didn’t let up on the gas until he saw the large warehouse come into view. Pulling into the lot he slammed on the brakes and got out not bothering to turn the car off.  
“Come on Dean, I got you.” he said to his big brother as he lifted his weight from the seat and carried him through the doors. Black eyes greeted him but he ignored them all and made his way to the back room where he knew Crowley would be. The King of Hell was nothing if not diligent in his duties.   
He came to two large double door and lifting up one foot kicked them in. Demons scattered at the look on the hunters face but he ignored everything but the man on the throne.  
“Moose.” Crowley said nodding his head in Sam’s direction. Sam laid his brother out gently on the floor, ignoring the way his head lolled to the side with his bright green eyes staring at nothing.  
“Fix him.” Sam said in a deadly voice to the cross roads demon. Crowley looked at Dean’s life less body and then back at Sam.  
“I’m afraid you came to the wrong side of the lines for that Sam. Castiel would have been able to help you but I can not.” he said.  
“Cas is gone, now fix him.” Sam insisted. He felt the tears burning his eyes but wouldn’t dare let them slip in front of the demon.  
“Like I said, I can not. Your brother is beyond my help.”   
“Fix him!” Sam screamed and the entire room emptied of demons. Only the king remained and he was no longer looking at the Winchester with indulgence.  
“I can’t!” Crowley said just as loudly. Sam stormed up the steps and grabbed the little man by the shirt and lifted him up.  
“Fix my brother Crowley, or I swear by all the I believe in that I will take this throne from you. Dean was the only thing keeping me on the good side and if he’s dead then there’s nothing keeping me from taking my rightful place as King.” Sam hissed and Crowley’s eyes widened.  
“Lucifer is in the cage and without him your nothing.” Crowley said but he sounded less then confident.  
“Remember when I was drinking all that demon blood? Remember what I could do? Well looks to me like there’s plenty of demon blood here to gorge myself on.” Sam said and let the man drop back to his throne. Crowley kept his eyes on Sam but straightened his jacket.  
“I will see what I can do.” he said standing and walking to Dean’s body. He knelt down and looked him over. There was a lot of damage to look at. Something had torn Dean from neck to nuts and everything inside had come tumbling out. He dead eyes stared at nothing and his soul was very much gone.  
“Like I said Samuel, nothing I can do. His soul is gone and even I can not repair this amount of damage.” Crowley said standing. When he turned Sam was sitting in his throne and he froze.  
“Then I guess its time to start. And what better blood to christen the new kingdom with than with the blood of the old king.” he said and before Crowley could back up he had lunged forward and snapped some demon chains on him.   
“Sam!” he yelled but Sam was no longer paying attention. He reached inside of his jacket and pulled out the demon blade that he had gotten from Ruby all those years ago.   
“That’s King Sam.” he said quietly through the tears as he plunged the blade into Crowley’s chest.  
In the Cage there was a shudder and Lucifer stopped his tormenting of Micheal to look up.   
“What was that?” Micheal asked looking up as well.  
“Sam has come home.” Lucifer smiled.


	10. Midnight by Tyler Glenn

_God, where the hell are you hiding?_   
_My hands are in the air, it’s so exciting_   
_I’ve been on the run, so I’m not coming Sunday_   
_It’s alright, I’ll probably talk to you at midnight_   
_God, I could never be like you_   
_I can’t change, I can’t change and I don’t want to_   
_I’ve been on the run, so I’m not coming Sunday_   
_It’s alright, I’ll probably talk to you at midnight_   
_I’ll probably talk to you at midnight_

How does one know for a fact that God is real but have no faith any more? This was the question that plagued Castiel, Angel of the Lord, as he sat in the empty church struggling. He sat in the back pew, furthest from the statue of Jesus as he could get. He didn’t feel clean enough to be here.  
“Can I help you son?” came the comforting voice of the churches minister. Castiel looked up and he saw the pureness of the man in front of him.  
“I…I’ve lost my faith.” Cas said looking down in embarrassment. How does an actual angel loose their faith?  
“Don’t worry my son, you’re not the first person in here to have that problem.” the minister said gently sitting next to Castiel.   
“But, I…how do you keep faith in someone who abandons you Father?” he asked the priest.   
“And why do you feel like God has abandoned you?”  
“Because he has Father, he has abandoned us all!” Castiel said a little louder then intended.  
“I know it can feel like that at times my son, but God is never not with us.”   
“But…but theres so much evil in this world Father. So much he could change with just a snap of his fingers or the blink of his eyes.” Cas carried on.  
“Have you ever had children?” the priest asked and Cas looked up at him blinking in confusion.  
“I…I don’t see how that’s relevant.” he admitted.  
“Before I joined the church I was married and I had three children, beautiful strong children who drove me insane on a weekly basis.” the priest was smiling as he spoke.  
“But as a parent I knew that their strong wills would help them in this world. Nothing could tell them what to do and nothing could stand in their way if they wanted something.” he looked at Castiel and there was a sadness in his eyes.  
“One became a doctor, moved to India to help children there. One became a stay at home mother, had two beautiful children of her own, but this was after she struggled with addiction and lost her way in the world. My third child, he also became an addict.” he said.  
“He struggled, my third child. He was addicted to anything and everything and there was nothing I could do to help him. Lord knows we tried. We sent him to rehab, we brought him back into our home so we could watch him constantly. But nothing helped. You see its not a parents job to fix all of their children problems my son. Some times you just have to stand there and let the bad things happen so that they learn.” he said looking at Cas like he was hoping what he was saying made sense.  
“So you’re saying that God lets us struggle to make us stronger?” Cas asked.  
“I’m saying no matter how much you love your children some times they need to make their own way in the world. I lost my son to his addictions but my daughter? She’s strong and she made her way out. I didn’t love any one of them more then the other and I knew that nothing I did as a parent could have saved my son’s life. You can have the best parents in the world my son but some times life just makes you something, or someone, you never wanted to be. I think God is still there, watching over us and waiting to see if we’ll learn our lesson.”  
“But why not at least let us know he’s here? Show us some guidance? You must have at least tried to give your children guidance?” Cas asked frustrated.  
“I did. And so does God. The Bible is our guidance.” the priest said.  
“The Bible is propaganda.” Cas said cynically.  
“Some of it is yes. But if you take it for its core meaning and not word for word then we have everything we need to make our lives good. God just wants us to be good to each other my son.” the Father stood and patted Cas on the shoulder. “I have to go but you’re welcome to stay for as long as you need. I’ll come back if you wish.” he offered.  
“Thank you Father.” Cas replied and bowed his head again. As the priest walked away Castiel sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. He still had no closer answer then when he came here but something about the words the Father had said struck him.   
Was God sitting back and letting them find their own way? Was he waiting to see if his creations would be successful or turn into addicts? Did he love them any less because he refused to interfere? He looked around the wooden church and sighed again. He had so many questions, so many times he had just needed a guiding hand. If God was still watching then he was a bastard.  
“God, Father…I try, I really do. I think we all do, but you left us here with no instructions. How are we to guide and help humanity? Do we be gentle and let them make their own mistakes or do we take a firm hand and lead them down the path they can’t see? And who guides us? Who takes our shoulder and puts us on the right path? Because Father I’ve been looking, I’ve been searching for that path and I can’t find it.” Castiel lowered his head again and there were tears in his eyes. So many years looking for guidance, begging for help and choosing the wrong path. Castiel was tired, he was tired and he was faithless.


	11. Bad Habit by The Kooks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING for suicide attempt and drug use

_Baby got our head down_   
_Baby got our head down to the ground_   
_Looking for a stranger_   
_Looking for a stranger to love_   
_You got to touch your eyes and crush your tears_   
_You gotta let go, come with me_   
_Looking for a stranger_   
_Looking for a stranger to love_   
_You say you want it, but_   
_You can't get it in_   
_You got yourself a bad habit_   
_Oh look at you, walking up and down a pole_   
_I say breathe, stay with me_   
_You say you want it, but_   
_You can't get it in_   
_You got yourself a bad habit_   
_Oh look at you, walking up and down a pole_   
_I say breathe_   
_Oh man, oh man, oh man_   
_You know I wish I had it all_

God how he had missed this, the swirl of nothingness that came with getting so fucking high that he didn’t have to think. Castiel rested his head back against the cool porcelain of the bath tub and let himself float.   
There really was no reason for him to be doing this, he knew that. But some times he just wanted that high, just wanted to be…nothing. The high didn’t demand that he think, didn’t demand that he try to be something he wasn’t. The drugs didn’t question his motives, didn’t demand that they talk talk talk all the fucking time. The drugs just let him be…nothing.   
“Cas? Are you home Cas? Your car is still in the driveway and your boss said you haven’t been to the office in two days.” came a familiar voice that threatened to draw Castiel out of his high. Fuck, he should have locked the door.  
Steps were pounding up the stairs and there was a knock at the bathroom door. Cas opened his eyes and swung his head to look at it.  
“Cas? Are you ok?” the deep gravel voice asked and even though he was high as fuck right now he couldn’t fight the shiver it sent through his body. His traitorous body remembered that voice in his ear while laying over him. Cas squeezed his eyes shut and tried to fight the images and memories that wanted to swamp his high. He pushed the heel of his palms against his eye lids but he didn’t have control of his mind any more.  
Images of naked bodies, of dark blonde hair and green eyes, came to his mind and he fought to push them down. He didn’t want to remember what it felt like to have those strong fingers all over and inside of his body. He hated the memories of that voice panting his name as he swallowed him down. He didn’t want any of it.  
“Leave me alone!” Cas screamed picking up the needle at his side and searching for the baggie he had brought in the room with him. He didn’t know if he was screaming at the man at the door or at the memories.  
“Cas? What are you doing in there? Please don’t be doing what I think you’re doing.” the voice pleaded and there was a jingle to the door knob. Cas let out a snort, at least he had remembered to lock that door. He finally found the baggie and started to tie off his arm again. Soon he’d be back to not thinking.  
“Cas, open the door or I’m going to kick it in!” the man yelled.   
“Leave me alone Dean!” Cas yelled as he prepped his needle.   
“Not going to happen buddy.” Dean said and then there was a kick to the wooden door. It did put up a fight, Cas would give it that, but after three kicks the wood split and Dean was standing in his doorway looking very angry.  
“Dammit Cas.” he dove to the floor and knocked the needle out of Cas’s hands. He grabbed the baggie and promptly flushed every bit of it down the toilet to Castiel’s very loud, very angry protests.  
“Come on, lets get you cleaned up.” Dean said trying to reign in his anger. He helped Cas strip down to nothing and he helped him get in a nice warm shower. Cas sank to the floor of the shower and cried over his ruined high. Dean listened to him sobbing as he scoured the house for more drugs. Where the hell had he gotten them this time? Dean knew it wasn’t hard to find drugs in this town but he thought he had warned all the dealers about Cas. The fact that he was a cop should have been enough to put Cas on the no fly list.  
“Cas? Are you ready to get out?” Dean asked peeking in the curtain and seeing Cas on the floor. He had stopped crying but now stared vacantly at the tiled walls. Dean sighed and shrugged out of his coat. He reached inside and pulled Cas out of the shower. The man was easy to lift, he had stopped eating again. Christ, how had he gone so downhill in the three days since Dean had last checked on him?  
“Let me go Dean, leave me alone.” Cas protested weakly. But the drugs had done their job on him and he was too feeble to make a real attempt to get away.  
“Shut up Cas.” Dean growled out. He got him into his bedroom and went about getting him into some comfy sweats before depositing him in bed.  
“Why are you here anyway? Why are you even around any more?” Cas glared at the man he loved. The one who caused all the pain he was constantly in.  
“Because I love you Cas.” Dean said pushing him unto the bed and pulling the blankets over him. Cas looked so small, so weak in the large bed by himself.   
“If you loved me you’d still be here.” Cas said and he rolled over onto his side away from Dean. Dean sighed. He grabbed his phone to text Lisa and let her know he would be late getting home and then he shrugged out of his shirts. Stripping to just his jeans he lifted the blankets and crawled in next to Cas.   
“Go away.” Cas grumbled trying to pull away from Dean. Ignoring him Dean pulled him into his chest and spooned him tight.  
“Just because I’m with Lisa now doesn’t mean I don’t still love you Cas. I just…I just couldn’t do this any more. It was too much Cas.” Dean said speaking into Cas’s neck.  
“I was too much trouble.” Cas started to sniffle.  
“I can’t help you if you don’t want help Cas. And I couldn’t stand by and watch you destroy yourself.” Dean sighed. He placed one warm kiss on Cas’s neck when he felt him trembling in his arms.  
“Go home Dean, go back to Lisa.” Cas said but he clung desperately to the arm around his waist.  
“Not happening.” Dean replied.  
“I hate you.” Cas sobbed. His high was wearing off and he was crashing hard.   
“No you don’t.” Dean argued. He knew all these signs and knew Cas was going to be miserable for at least two days after this latest slip up. They had warned him about relapses when Cas had finished rehab and Dean was more determined then ever to be here whether Cas wanted him there or not.  
“I wish I could.” Cas sobbed harder. Dean buried his face in Cas’s neck and just held him while he cried. And if he let a tear or two slide out as well? Fuck it.


	12. Shape Of You by Ed Sheeran

“Come on Cas, just once?” Dean laid his best puppy eyes on the angel. Unfortunately his was vastly inferior to Sam’s and Castiel just continued to look at him with a scowl.  
“No.”  
“Please?”  
“No.”  
“I promise I’ll never ask again.”  
“No.”  
“I’ll buy you some burgers.”  
“No.”  
“I’ll let you pick the music in the car.”  
“No.”  
“I’ll let you fly me to our next case.”  
“No.”  
“Cas…”  
“No.”  
“Caaaaaaaaassssssssss…”  
“No.”  
“Please angel?”  
“No.”  
“I’ll let you do that thing you wanted to try later.”  
“Ok.”  
Dean grinned and watched as Cas shrugged off his jacket and laid it across the back of the bar chair. He hesitantly let Dean take his hand and lead him to the dance floor.   
“Loosen up baby, just follow my lead ok?” Dean said putting one arm around Cas’s waist and pulling him into his body.  
“I am not comfortable with this.” Cas continued to scowl.  
“I’m ok with that.” Dean grinned and began to move Cas to the music. Dean wasn’t one for new music but he found that Ed Sheeran was an exception to that rule. And ever since he had heard this song he had wanted to grind up against Cas.   
“I…is this appropriate Dean?” Castiel asked nervously as he curled his fingers into Dean’s arms. He was gently moving his hips against Dean and Dean closed his eyes to enjoy the sensation.  
“Oh yeah.” Dean whispered out. He opened his eyes to see Cas looking at him with a very heated look in those blue eyes of his. His pupils were blown and Dean could feel how the dancing was affecting him. Dean reached up to grab the tie and pull him in for a hot kiss.   
Cas moaned into his mouth and wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck. There were cat calls from the corner where Sam and Charlie were watching them.  
“How much later?” Cas breathed out as he pulled back from Dean’s lips.  
“What?” Dean was confused. The music was starting to end but he just pulled Cas closer.  
“You said I could do that thing later, so how much later?” Cas asked and Dean’s entire body tightened at his breathy plea. He stepped away from Cas, grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the parking lot to the car. Castiel was grinning widely as Dean ushered him into the back seat.  
“Oh yeah.” Dean breathed as he watched his angelic boyfriend’s ass.   
“I guess they’ll be back?” Charlie said watching Dean and Cas rush to the door. Cas didn’t even come back for his coat.  
“They’d better, they’re our ride.” Sam grumped but he was smiling.  
“I don’t want to get in that backseat after them.” Charlie was pulling a gross face. Sam laughed and agreed.


	13. Someone New by Hozier

_And so I fall in love just a little ol' little bit_   
_Every day with someone new_   
_I fall in love just a little ol' little bit_   
_Every day with someone new_   
_I fall in love just a little ol' little bit_   
_Every day with someone new_   
_I fall in love just a little ol' little bit_   
_Every day with someone new_

Dean Winchester didn’t fall in love with the angel in one heart stopping moment, it was little moments spread out over months and years. So insignificant that he didn’t even realize it was happening. There was no burning sexual need, there was no breath taking moment of realization, there was no heart swelling, soul singing, sunlight draped epiphany when he realized he loved Castiel but one day when he was old, tired and ready for the end he looked into those blue eyes that never aged and he just knew.  
It started with little things. Cas’s loyalty always impressed the Winchesters so he guessed that was where it started really. His over riding desire to good in the world was another. Even when Cas messed up, and boy did he ever mess up, he was just trying to be good.   
The first hint that Dean had that his feelings for his best friend were a little more then friendly was when he was trying to teach Cas about modern pop culture. Metatron might have instilled all the awareness for the jokes and references but it didn’t make him understand it all. So Dean made it his personal mission to make Cas watch Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, The Lord Of the Rings and any other movie that played an integral part in Dean’s vocabulary and sarcasm. And for good measure he threw in a few hidden guilty pleasures like The Princess Bride and Pretty Woman. Those movie nights happened when Sam was out doing research or otherwise preoccupied. Dean would drag Cas to the sofa, pop some popcorn and spend the next two hours telling him which parts were the best and when to really pay attention. Of course he needed have told him to pay attention, every time he snuck a glance at the angel he was engulfed in the tv and not paying Dean any attention. Dean was able to really look at Cas as much as he wanted. He studied the way the light from the tv painted colours across his nose and jaw bone. He finally noticed how Cas’s sexed up hair wasn’t just black, it was a deep brown with lighter tones of brown throughout. And he noticed how those dry chapped lips of his widened or thinned with his understanding.   
Another thing Dean remembers that made him love the angel even more was trying to get him to learn to cook. Dean himself was very good in the kitchen and he thought it was something Cas should participate in. Just in case he had to do it on his own some day. So they started with frying bacon. Dean gave step by step instructions on the temperature of the pan, the placement of the strips of bacon, when to tell when it was done just right and how to never, ever touch a cast iron frying pan even if it wasn’t cooking at the moment. This lesson came after Cas needed to heal his hand in frustration. Dean chuckled while the angel complained about not knowing the handle would be so hot. After a few more lessons Dean trusted that Cas could at least make breakfast for himself if he absolutely had to.  
Of course Dean moved on from cooking to baking. Every person on the planet should at least be able to bake a pie in Dean’s opinion. Cookies were good, cake in a pinch, but pie…everyone needed pie. So Dean stole some of Sam’s farm stand organic crap apples and him and Cas spend an entire afternoon making apple pie. Dean did most of the work but Castiel watched him avidly. He even let the angel make the cuts in the top to let the steam out. When he pulled one very golden and flakey apple pie from the oven Cas practically beamed at him. And that right there was another moment of course.   
Dean had always been impressed by people who could fight with style. Why do you think he loved all those old Kung Fu movies so much? So when he had Cas fighting by his side he was always a little stunned at the fluid grace and power Castiel fought with. He knew he was an warrior in Heaven but that wasn’t the same as seeing Cas take on demons or monsters without expression or even much effort. And the way that stupid trench coat swirled around him didn’t help. It was dramatic and Dean hated to admit it got him a little hot.  
Castiel didn’t get Dean’s music. He just didn’t. No matter how many hours they spent in the car listening to classic rock Cas just didn’t get why Dean loved it so much. Then again neither did Sam so he could be forgiven. So to try and get Cas to find some kind of music he liked Dean let Sam install his iPod dock again. And they got something called Spotify. Sam was thrilled to have something other then his father’s old hair metal tapes to listen to. It wasn’t until they were riding down some highway in backwater Florida that Cas actually found something he liked. Sam had let the music go from whatever it wanted and they weren’t really paying attention to it. Until Sam went to change a song and Cas’s hand came over the seat to grab his shoulder.   
“Leave it.” his deep gravel voice came out with a slight blush on his cheeks.  
“Really Cas? This is what you like?” Sam asked surprised.   
“The words are poetry Sam, listen to what the man is saying. And the voice of the female accompaniment is angelic.” Cas explained and Dean smiled to himself.   
“Alright Cas, if you say so.” Sam shrugged and looked back out the window. Dean kept grinning. Cas liked hip hop.  
One thing that did stick out in Dean’s mind about falling in love with Cas is the moment he knew there was something inside of him called jealousy. Dean was a love em and leave em kind of guy so jealousy just didn’t make sense when he was the one most people were jealous of. But one night when they had managed to drag Cas to a bar and have a couple of beers Dean discovered he was indeed a jealous man. At least where the angel was concerned. A little blonde girl was at the bar when Cas went to get the next round of drinks and with one glance Dean knew she was going to make a play. He should know, he had seen it enough. Sure enough after Cas put in his grin order the girl’s fingers found his arm and she gave him a stunning smile. Cas didn’t seem prepared for it, his social awkwardness actually playing in the girls favour. Dean wasn’t close enough to hear what they were saying but he could tell by Cas’s relaxing eye brows that he was happy to be talking to the girl. And as she sidled closer to him Dean knew she was awful happy to be there as well.   
“Dean?” Sam asked watching his brother closely. He glanced up to see Cas and the girl and a smirk came over him.  
“Shut up Sammy.” Dean said not even looking at his brother. He continued to glare at the back of the girls head and when Cas didn’t even notice the pitcher of beer the bartender placed on the bar Dean’s green eyes narrowed in anger. He pushed up from the table and Sam’s hand shot out to grab his arm.  
“They’re just talking Dean.” Sam said trying to calm his brother down. Dean seemed to listen and he sank back into his seat to sulk. Cas finally said good bye to the girl, to her disappointment by the look on her face, and joined them with the beer.  
“Did you get her number?” Dean growled out and he knew he sounded like an asshole.   
“Why would I do that?” Cas asked him completely unaware of Dean’s anger. That seemed to help calm Dean down even more and soon they were back to smiling and drinking.  
  
Time moved on as it always does, apocalypse after apocalypse was diverted or thwarted by the threesome and before Dean knew it he was old. Older then a hunter had any right to be. Sammy aged, found a new girl and settled into a life he had always wanted. It wasn’t prefect, or completely 100% normal, but he was happy and that’s all Dean wanted. As for him? He and his angel continued to criss cross the country saving people, hunting things, the family business. Until Dean got to be too old to hold up any more. He was 64 when everything caught up with him. He was still trying to hunt, on a vampire hunt specifically, when he made a fatal mistake. The blade entered his chest just kicking the very edge of his heart and Dean fell. Cas was there in a blink, killing the vampire and holding Dean in his lap.  
“Hold on Dean, I can heal this.” Cas said when Dean grabbed his hand to stop him.  
“I’m tired Cas.” Dean said as he felt his life pumping out onto the floor.  
“You can rest after I heal you.” Cas said trying to touch his chest. Dean held his wrist firmly.  
“Not his time Cas, not this time.” he shook his head. Castiel looked at him with desperation in his eyes.  
“I’ve had a good life Cas. I’ve saved lots of people, killed Hitler.” Dean grinned and Cas chuckled. “But its time now.”  
“I’m not ready Dean.” Cas said and his eyes filled with tears.  
“I am.” he used his waning strength to put his hand on Cas’s cheek.  
“I’ve always loved you Cas, I hope you know that.” he said. Cas was trying to give him a weak smile but the tears didn’t stop.  
“I’ve loved you since I raised you from Perdition Dean Winchester.” Cas replied laying his forehead against Dean’s.  
“Will you be in Heaven with me angel?” Dean asked with his final breath. Cas opened his mouth to answer but Dean was already gone. Castiel, Angel of the Lord, sobbed like a child as he held the body of the man who had made him live.   
After what felt like forever Cas took Dean’s body to Sam. He had long since gained his wings back and as he flew across the country with Dean in his arms he used the time to compose himself. Sam would need him to be strong. So he was. He was strong while Sam cried, strong while Sam burned Dean’s body and strong while Sam healed. His wife helped with that of course but Cas liked to think he played a part as well.  
When Sam’s life was truly moving on Castiel said his good byes and flew to Heaven. He made his way down a long hall and placed his hand on the door knob. With one final glance back at his home he pushed open the door and went inside.  
“What took you so long angel?"


	14. Fear And Loathing by Marina And The Diamonds

_I've lived a lot of different lives_   
_Been different people many times_   
_I live my life in bitterness_   
_And fill my heart with emptiness_   
_And now I see, I see it for the first time_   
_There is no crime in being kind_   
_Not everyone is out to screw you over_   
_Maybe, oh just maybe they just wanna get to know ya_   
_Now the time is here_   
_Baby, you don't have to live your life in fear_   
_And the sky is clear_   
_Is clear of fear_   
_Don't wanna live in fear and loathing_   
_I wanna feel like I am floating_   
_Instead of constantly exploding_   
_In fear and loathing_   
_Got different people inside my head_   
_I wonder which one that they like best_   
_I'm done with tryin' to have it all_   
_And endin' up with not much at all_   
_And now the time is here_   
_Baby you don't have to live your life in fear_   
_And the sky is clear_   
_Is clear of fear_   
_Of fear_   
_Don't wanna live in fear and loathing_   
_I wanna feel like I am floating_   
_Instead of constantly exploding_   
_In fear and loathing_   
_And when the time comes along and the lights run out_   
_I know where I will belong when they blow me out_   
_Don't wanna live in fear and loathing_   
_I wanna feel like I am floating_   
_Instead of constantly exploding_   
_In fear and loathing_   
_I wanna be completely weightless_   
_I wanna touch the edge of greatness_   
_Don't wanna be completely faithless_   
_Completely faithless_   
_When the time comes around_   
_When the lights will go out_   
_When the time comes around_   
_When the lights they go out_

“Ok Winchester you can do this.” Dean pep talked himself as he drove his Baby towards the store where he knew ‘Steve’ would be working. He could do this, he had to.  
He was tired of being alone, he was tired of lying to himself about everything he was feeling. He was determined to haul his head out of his ass and finally, finally, do something completely and utterly selfish. Would it work? Who knew? But Dean knew he had to try.   
The highway fell away in under the wheels of the Impala and Dean became more and more nervous. He had to talk himself out of turning the car back around and going back to Sam but he knew if he did that he’d live the rest of his life loathing himself. There were very few people who knew Dean Winchester for what he really was and he was currently driving towards one of them. Even Sammy only knew Dean the Big Brother, not Dean the Man.  
Dean was sweating by the time he pulled into the parking lot of the convenience store. He parked the car and white knuckled the steering wheel. Could he do this? Could he go in there and tell him how he really felt? Dean looked through the large glass window and just watched him.  
Cas looked the same as always, he didn’t expect any difference. But the closer he looked the more changes he did see. Cas no longer hunched over himself, he stood prouder then he had when he was an angel. He looked at everyone and everything clearly and Dean grew jealous of the other people on the end of that too blue gaze. He even smiled at the occasional customer and Dean smiled along at that toothy grin. Before it had to be pulled out of him but now it was a little more natural.   
Cas was happy and that made Dean’s ass freeze to his car seat. Did Dean have any right to barge in there and ruin it for him? Would he ruin it or would he be welcome with his heavy baggage? Did Cas even feel the same way towards him? Sure everyone said he did and everyone thought it was long overdue but what if they were wrong?  
Cas suddenly looked towards him and Dean’s breath froze in his lungs. Those blue eyes were suddenly focused on him and the immediate smile helped to thaw Dean where he was. He raised his hand and gave Cas a small wave. Cas waved back but then was drawn back to his customer.   
Dean opened the door and got out of the car. His legs were trembling and his heart was racing but it was now or never. He could do this. He was a hunter, one of the biggest baddest ones around and when monsters heard the name Winchester they ran. Heaven and Hell both knew him by name and reputation and they trembled. He could do this!  
Dean went to the door and opened it to let out a woman before he pushed inside. Cas smiled at him but was busy serving people so Dean looked around nervously and got in line. Slowly he shuffled his way closer to the man who was making his heart pound and his breath hitch.  
“Hello Dean.” Castiel said and his voice washed over Dean. It helped push away the fear and loathing Dean lived with constantly and Dean knew he was doing the right thing. Instead of answering the ex-angel Dean reached over the counter, grabbed him by that stupid blue vest and pulled him in to crush his lips against his.   
Cas’s lips were soft and dry against Dean’s but after a seconds hesitation he got with the program and kissed Dean back. Dean released his vest to trail his hands up to cup Cas’s face and deepen the kiss. Soon Cas was grasping at the shoulders of Dean’s jacket and trying to pull him closer. When Dean finally had to pull back for breath he laid his forehead against Cas’s.  
“I’m sorry it took me so long.” he said honestly to his angel. Cas looked into his green eyes and smiled.  
“I was willing to wait.” he replied and then he was kissing Dean again and the rest of the world fell away.


	15. Ready Steady by Louden Swain

_Are you ready steady on?_   
_It's hard to tell_   
_Hard to tell_   
_Who's leading who on?_   
_It's hard to tell_   
_I'll never tell_   
_What's your address?_   
_You left it so long ago_   
_Along with your mess_   
_Washed out with the undertow_   
_Living in sheets_   
_Loving like thunderstorms_   
_Forgiving the thieves_   
_For not really taking more_   
_Who do we blame for the things that we both took for granted_   
_It's hard to tell_   
_I'll never tell_   
_The light and the fights in the streets have all risen and landed_   
_And it's hard to tell_   
_Hard to tell_

Cas hated this, he hated feeling like he was disposable all the time. He stared at his crumpled sheets and took a deep breath. Letting it out he grabbed a corner and began the work of stripping the bed of its dirty sheets. When he shoved them into the top of the washer he was overwhelmed with the scent of Dean and he started to shake. Yet again he was the one left behind to deal with the mess that the Winchester had left behind.

“Sorry I can’t stay longer.” the deep gravel voice of Dean washed over Cas and he let it push down the shame he was fighting at the moment. He was still sweaty and sated from their tryst but Dean was buttoning up his jeans and grabbing his jacket.  
“Its ok.” Cas said throwing an arm over his eyes so Dean wouldn’t be able to see the lie.  
“I’ll text you later.” Dean said laying a quick good bye kiss on Cas’s lips before leaving. Cas lay there and when he heard the Impala’s deep growl pull out of his driveway he let the first tear slip.

*  
“I’ve needed this.” Dean sighed as Cas kissed his way down his flat stomach and into the waist band of his boxers.  
“No talking.” Cas instructed him, his heart not being able to take that right now. When it was just physical, no emotions, he could compartmentalize and he could survive this.   
He pulled the underwear down just enough to wrap his lips around Dean’s hard length. The soft skin was a wonderful contrast to the hardness of his erection. Cas hummed and swallowed him down as far as he could. Dean growled his pleasure and sank his fingers in the soft dark hair on Cas’s head. The light pull directed Cas to go slower or faster, depending on how Dean was feeling. It was familiar and Cas clung to the familiarity of it. He could do this, he could give Dean what he needed. And if he destroyed himself in the process? It was just the price to pay to be what Dean wanted him to be.

*  
“Lisa will be back tonight.” Dean said as he handed Cas the joint they were sharing. Cas took a deep long draw before holding the smoke in his lungs. Letting it out slowly he glanced at Dean.  
“And?” Cas asked letting the minute high wash over him. It wasn’t near the high he wanted but he couldn’t go there now, not ever again.  
“And I probably won’t be able to get back for a few days.” Dean shrugged. Cas nodded but refused to show anything. Let Dean think he was just fine with being the “other woman”.  
“I wish I could…” Dean’s words trailed off as Cas passed him back the joint.  
“Me too.” Cas smiled at him weakly. He was already pushing his mind ahead to the things he had to do when Dean left. First it was the sheets that needed to be changed, then it was on to a hot shower to wash away Dean’s smell.  
“Some day I promise.” Dean said leaning over to lay a quick kiss on his cheek. Cas didn’t even bother to acknowledge that statement. It was a lie he was used to hearing now. They both knew it would never happen.  
“I’ve got to go. I need to clean up and get Ben from school before Lisa’s plane gets in.” Dean said pushing up from the bed. Cas admired the way the muscles in his ass clenched with his movements and he couldn’t resist reaching out to pinch one. Dean yelped and gave him a saucy smile over his shoulder.

*   
“Are you sure?” Cas asked Sam as they went for their jog around the gym track. The university let the staff use it for free and they used it quite often in the dreary Seattle weather.  
“Yeah, apparently Ben’s father wanted to come back into the picture. Lisa said she had to at least try, for Ben.” Sam explained.  
“And Dean?” Cas asked trying to stay impartial to the subject.  
“He’s not happy as you’d expect. He’s raised that kid for the past two years and now he’s expected to just walk away and let this other guy come in. Its hard.” Sam sighed. Sam slowed to a walk and Cas pulled up beside him.  
“Is he ok?” Cas asked pretending he hadn’t gotten a bunch of drunken text messages all last night.  
“You know how he copes.” Sam said unhappily. Of course he wouldn’t be happy with Dean going back to the bottle instead of dealing with his emotions. When you watch your father drink himself to death its a little hard to accept it from your older brother. Sam looked worn and worried.  
“I’ll keep an eye on him if that’ll help Sam. I know you’re busy with Jess and the baby.” Cas offered.  
“That…that would be great Cas.” Sam gave him a grateful smile. “But you don’t have to. Its not your job any more.”  
“Come on, we’ve got to shower before class.” Cas said trying to distract the tall man from his troubles.

*  
“The fuck you doing here?” Dean slurred as Cas pushed open the door and walked on in his house like he lived there. Not any more Cas thought sarcastically to himself.  
“Taking care of you because Sam is worried.” Cas said shutting the door behind him and looking around. The house was a big mess of empty liquor bottles and pizza boxes.  
“Don’t need your help, or Sam’s. Don’t need any one.” Dean stumbled back into the living room to flop onto the sofa.  
“Of course.” Cas sighed picking up the bottles and placing them on the island counter. He grabbed a few of the pizza boxes and piled them on the full garbage can.  
“Don’t need you.” Dean said and Cas froze. He shook himself and went on cleaning up as best he could.  
“When was the last time you ate something besides stale pizza?” Cas asked and Dean’s shoulders shrugged off the sofa.  
“I’m going to make some eggs and you’re going to eat.” Cas told him but Dean ignored him. Cas went to the fridge and dug around for ingredients.   
By the time the eggs were ready Dean was sitting on the sofa glaring at the kitchen.  
“Come on.” Cas said pouring up some juice to lay on the table with the plate. Dean growled but pushed himself up and sat down in front of his meal. No words were exchanged as Cas went about cleaning up the kitchen and then taking out the garbage and recycling. When he was finally done Dean had eaten all his eggs and was scrounging in the fridge for something else.  
“I can run to the store.” Cas offered but Dean shook his head.   
“I’m not helpless.” he said standing and slamming the door. Cas jumped at the unexpected noise.  
“I’m just trying to help Dean.” he said as Dean advanced on him with angry eyes.  
“Well you can’t help!” he yelled hitting the wall behind Cas’s head. Cas held himself still.  
“You can’t help and you shouldn’t be here Cas. I’ve screwed you up enough in the ten years you’ve known me. You should be screaming at me, you should be kicking my ass. You should be slamming your door in my face every time I come knocking. Or loosing my number or blocking me.” Dean raged not moving his green eyes from Cas’s blues.  
“I’d never do that.” Cas whispered and Dean shut his eyes to take in a deep breath.  
“Why Cas? Why?” he asked dropping his hand and slumping his shoulders.   
“You know why.” Cas said finally moving. He pushed Dean back enough so that he could go the fridge and start taking out things to make dinner. If Dean was still hungry then he’d feed him. He could do this.  
“Say it.” Dean said from the spot he hadn’t moved from. Cas’s shoulders tensed but he ignored the statement.  
“Castiel, say it.” Dean said and this time he was right behind Cas. Cas shook his head. Dean grabbed him around the waist and spun him so that he had him pinned to the counter.  
“Say it Cas, I need to hear you say it.” Dean pleaded and his lips were mere inches from Cas’s.  
“I won’t say it Dean.” Cas breathed out starting to get angry.   
“Why not?” Dean asked and he was leaning in closer.  
“Because you don’t deserve it.”

*  
Ben still came over, Cas saw his bike at the house as he drove home from work. That was good, Dean still needed someone in his life that would make him feel like a role model. Sammy was all grown up and had a family of his own now and that had left a large chunk in Dean’s armour. Hopefully Ben would help.   
Cas pulled in to his driveway and instead of going inside to drop his trench coat and bag he walked back around to the garden. This was his paradise, his escape from the world that seemed intent on knocking him down and out. It was the main reason he had bought this house when his life had fallen apart three years ago. The sun was high in the sky still and Cas shrugged off his coat. He rolled up his sleeves and got to work weeding the garden like he had planned. The work made him sweat and he knew he’d have to send his shirt for dry cleaning to get out the stains. But he didn’t care.   
When he sat back and admired his work he saw a few bees buzzing around the chrysanthemums. They were fat and fuzzy and Cas smiled.   
“Its good to see you smile.” came the voice from his gate. Cas looked over his shoulder at Meg and his smile dropped.  
“What do you want?” he asked his neighbour. He was being unusually gruff but he had just wanted to be with his flowers today. His flowers and his bees.  
“Dean just dropped something on your step, I thought you’d like to know Clarence.” she said holding up an envelope and smirking. Meg didn’t like Dean, and Cas knew exactly why but he refused to acknowledge the feelings she had professed.  
“Thank you.” Cas said standing and wiping his hands in his pants. More dirt that he didn’t care about. He took the envelope and Meg watched him impatiently.  
“And?” Cas asked her refusing to open the envelope in front of her.  
“You’re no fun.” Meg rolled her eyes but stepped back and started to walk back to her own house. Cas made sure she was out of sight before he went back to his garden. He sat in the midst of the flowers and bees and opened the plain unmarked envelope. He pulled out the large stack of papers and almost dropped them in the dirt.  
Cas pushed them back inside quickly and rushed into the house. He grabbed the phone and before he knew it he was dialing Sam’s work number.  
“Hello?” Sam asked quickly picking up.  
“He signed them.” Cas said fighting the tears that wanted to come, either from happiness or sadness he still wasn’t sure.  
“Signed what? Who?” Sam asked obviously distracted.  
“Dean, he signed our divorce papers Sam.”


	16. Numb by Louden Swain

_I heard it when you said you were leaving_   
_You tore the band aid off and its bleeding_   
_My tongue is in my cheek cause I’m seething_   
_My heads spinning into space cause I’m reeling_

_And its hard to think_   
_cause you push me to the brink_   
_and I’m trying to blink_   
_but I’m numb_

“You can’t be serious Sam.” Castiel asked the youngest Winchester who was throwing his clothes into a duffel bag.  
“I’ve never been more serious Cas. Now stop doing my brother’s dirty work and either help or leave. If Dean wants me to stay then he can come tell me himself.” Sam said angrily. He was picking out the few books of lore he really wanted to take with him.  
“You know Dean can’t talk about his feelings Sam. But you also know how much you mean to him. You are the centre of his entire world Sam.” Cas was pleading. Sam’s shoulders slumped and he sighed.  
“I know Cas. And its not fair to any of us that Dad made Dean think of me before himself even. He loves you Cas and if things are going to work out then I can’t be here. What happened yesterday just proves it. I’ll go, Dean will sulk and eventually he’ll learn to put his own wants above me. And maybe you’ll be here for that or maybe you’ll get tired of waiting and move on but this is something I have to do. I have to let him live for himself Cas.” Sam explained to the angel.  
“You can’t just leave Sam. We need you here, he needs you here.” Cas said. He hung his head and fought the tears that wanted to come. Torn between the two Winchesters Castiel didn’t know who to support.  
“No he doesn’t Cas, he has you now. Just watch him, make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid this time. Please?” Sam asked putting his hands on the angels shoulders and making him look up. The deep blue of Cas’s eyes was swimming in unshed tears.  
“If you’re not here then who will help me? I’m not human Sam, I don’t know how to help him.” Cas asked.  
“You don’t need to be human to love him Cas, I think we already know that.” Sam gave him a little smile of encouragement.  
“But I love you as well Sam.” Cas said.  
“Not the same way Cas, no where near the same.” Sam said and pulled Castiel into a hug.  
“This is all my fault.” Cas sniffled against Sam’s shoulder. He was so weak, he couldn’t even stop Sam from leaving.  
“None of this is your fault Castiel, never think that. I need to be my own person and unless I get away from Dean then nether of us can be that.” Sam said. He pulled back from Cas and grabbed his hag off of his bed. A quick look around the bunker bedroom and then he was walking towards the doors. Dean was slunk down on the sofa staring at a blank tv but Sam didn’t even stop to look in his direction.  
“Take care Cas, you have my number if you need me.” Sam said patting Cas’s shoulder before dropping his key to the bunker on the table. A few steps, the squeal of a door and Sam was gone.   
Castiel stood looking up at the stairs feeling lost. That was it, that was his family falling apart. He stood there and wished with all his being that he could go back to yesterday when they were all sitting around the breakfast table happily eating pancakes and teasing each other. But so much had changed since then. One stupid kiss, one stupid touch and his whole world fell apart around him.  
“Forget him Cas, come watch a movie with me. I’ll make you remember which brother loves you more.” Dean said and his voice wasn’t as light as he might have been trying to make it.  
“I didn’t forget.” Cas said quietly still unable to move.  
“You didn’t but he did. Sam knows better then to touch my stuff.” Dean said and it was that callous comment that almost broke Cas. He was an Angel of the Lord, not some doe eyed girl to be fought over by two brothers. He wasn’t a possession to be claimed.   
“Cas?” Dean asked as Cas pounded up the stairs. He ignored Dean and pushed his way outside. Sam was already gone, having taken Cas’s car and gone on his way. But Cas didn’t care about that. He raised his face to the sunlight and revealed in the warmth it provided. It reminded him of home, and for the first time in a long time he didn’t mean here with the Winchesters, he meant Heaven.   
“Cas?” Dean’s voice came from the bunker doorway and Cas turned to look at him.  
“I’m going home Dean.” Cas said and Dean closed the space between them quickly.  
“Cas, baby, come on. This between us and Sam isn’t that bad. He’ll come back, he always does.” Dean said leaning to try and wrap Cas in a hug. But the angel stepped back.  
“No Dean.” Cas said. Instantly he saw Dean’s face harden, his shields came crashing down and he glared at the angel.  
“Go then, go on! Run just like everyone else in my life. But if you leave don’t ever come crawling back begging for me to take you back. Run on back to Heaven with all the other angels who don’t have hearts.” Dean growled out.  
“There’s a reason humans and angels can’t love each other Dean. It just took me longer to see it then others.” Cas said but he had to admit that leaving the Winchesters wasn’t as painful as he always thought it would be. Instead he felt lighter then he had in years. Dean had him and didn’t know what to do with it, Sam had wanted him but didn’t know how to get him. And now Castiel was taking away their choices. And without him here to cloud their vision they would see that family really was the only thing you had.  
“I love you Dean Winchester, you were always the brightest and most perfect soul I have ever seen. But now I know that angels aren’t meant to feel love, not like this. Good bye Dean.” Cas said and flew off to Heaven where he could rejoin his own family and become an angel once again.  
“Fucking angels.” Dean said and his eyes were stinging from the tears he refused to let fall. Instead he grabbed his phone and called the one person in his life that might understand what had just happened.  
“Sam, Cas is gone. For good. Come home please brother."


	17. Talk Too Much by Coin

_You know I talk too much_   
_Honey, come put your lips on mine_   
_And shut me up_   
_We could blame it all on human nature_   
_Stay cool, it's just a kiss_   
_Oh, why you gotta be so talkative?_   
_I talk too much, we talk too much_

_‘Why was he talking so much? I mean here we are in my closed up quiet cafe, no one staring at us, a cozy little sofa under our asses, and he just…won’t…shut…up!_  
 _When Sam asked me out I was a little hesitant, cause well, he’s gorgeous and smart and funny and shy and I loved all of it. But now that we’re on our actual date he seems so nervous and that’s also really cute. Maybe he hasn’t dated much? But how can that be? Look at him! Tall, long hair you can really wrap your hands in, deep hazel eyes that look right into your soul…oh my god I want him. But maybe he doesn’t know what to do on a date? Could Sam really be so unused to dating?_  
 _And now he’s talking about his brother again. I swear there’s no way Dean could be as awesome and Sam makes him out to be. Its just a little older brother hero worship right? Of course now he’s talking about Dean he’s also talking about the other one, Castiel. What kind of name is Castiel? He mentioned its an angel name so maybe he’s from a weird religious cult family? Either way its interesting the way Sam talks about the two. I think they might be in love with each other but Sam hasn’t come right out and said so. Are they together? Hmmm, that would be so cool. Maybe I could introduce them to my gay friends Dan and Micheal, they haven’t had another couple to do things with in ages._  
 _Ok, wait, he just asked a question. What made me want to open my cafe? He mentioned Stanford pre-law but dropped out due to his family. Are they not into education? Is Sam going to go back and get his degree? He seems way too rugged to be a lawyer. Like some sexy lumberjack that I just want to climb…wait, too early to think like that. Calm down girl, its your first date. Maybe he’s a traditional guy, wants to wait until he knows you or something. But he said he’s only in town for a few days. What the hell does he want from me cause if he keeps peeking at me from under his lashes I might just jump his bones here and now in the coffee shop._  
 _God that scruff is hot. I wonder what he looks like in the morning? I bet his hair is crazy and all over the place. Like sex hair….oh god don’t think about Sam and sex hair cause its been WAY too long for you girl. I wonder if he’s dominating in the bedroom? He kinda looks like he’d be a big ol’ pussy cat but looks can be deceiving. Like who knew you’d like being tied up and tied down? Oh god, stop thinking about sex!_  
 _He looks like he’s running out of things to say. Maybe he’s getting bored? Maybe he’s waiting to make a move? Should I sit a little closer? Should I put my hand on his arm? Christ, since when did I act like a virgin scared to death of boys? Well, since Sam fucking Winchester came into my shop looking like 8 fucking feet of sex god, that’s when._  
 _Fuck it, I’m going to make a move…soon…maybe?’_  
“Grace?” Sam asked looking at the petite brunette who was watching him avidly. He loved the way her dark brown eyes took in all of him, like she was wondering what was on he inside. It had been a long time since a girl had looked at him like that. Usually it was drunken bar girls who wanted to get their kicks and hit the road. Kinda like Dean used to me. But Grace, she was kinda shy. And seemed so smart and easy to talk to.   
In the blink of an eye Grace had moved from her side of the little sofa to Sam’s lap. She grabbed his face and planted her lips on his in a soft, nervous kiss. Sam, glad he had put down his coffee cup, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her back eagerly. Her lips were soft and warm and the kiss deepened so that Sam’s tongue licked inside of her mouth. She straddled his waist and trailed her hands into his hair like she had been thinking about doing since she had first seen him. Sam moaned into her mouth and she found herself grinding on him. Oh my god he felt amazing.  
“Sam…” she panted as she pulled back to look at his lust blown eyes.   
“Yeah?” he asked just as breathless.  
“You talk too much.” 


	18. Simple Man by Jason Manns & Jensen Ackles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *I know this isn’t the original version but its the version that inspired this song

_Mama told me when I was young_   
_"Come sit beside me, my only son_   
_And listen closely to what I say_   
_And if you do this it'll help you some sunny day"_   
_"Oh, take your time, don't live too fast_   
_Troubles will come and they will pass_   
_You'll find a woman and you'll find love_   
_And don't forget, son, there is someone up above"_   
_"And be a simple kind of man_   
_Oh, be something you love and understand_   
_Baby be a simple kind of man_   
_Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"_   
_"Forget your lust for the rich man's gold_   
_All that you need is in your soul_   
_And you can do this, oh baby, if you try_   
_All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied"_   
_"And be a simple kind of man_   
_Oh, be something you love and understand_   
_Baby be a simple kind of man_   
_Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"_   
_Oh yes, I will_   
_"Boy, don't you worry, you'll find yourself_   
_Follow your heart and nothing else_   
_And you can do this, oh baby, if you try_   
_All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied"_   
_"And be a simple kind of man_   
_Oh, be something you love and understand_   
_Baby be a simple kind of man_   
_Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"_   
_Baby, be a simple, really simple man_   
_Oh, be something you love and understand_

The sun was setting and for once Dean was watching it go down with a sense of accomplishment instead of regret. There was so much Dean regretted in his life but today he put all that away and let his happiness take over. He slowly drank the beer in his hand and let the fleeing sunlight warm his face.  
“Hey Dad.” came the voice of his son. Dean glanced over his shoulder at the boy with a smile.  
“Hey kid, whats up?” he asked as Robby sat down next to him. The kid had Dean’s light brown hair and freckles but he had his Mom’s deep brown eyes. Eyes like an angel.  
“Not much, just thought I’d join you.” the pre-teen said smiling at his father.   
“Is this where I give you life lessons and we talk about girls?” Dean teased the kid and Robby let out the chuckle that sounded exactly like his father.  
“Nah, Mom already gave me that talk.” Robby said and Dean almost choked on his beer. Damn, where had he been when that talk took place?  
“So whats on your mind kid?” he asked putting his beer down between his dirty work boots.  
“Where do you go Dad?” Robby asked in a quiet voice. It was an innocent question but they both knew it was going to be a hard answer.  
“Well Robby, that’s a long story.” Dean sighed. He squinted at the setting sun and tried to soak up the last bit of warmth he could.  
“I know you used to go away with Uncle Sam and Uncle Cas but only you came home last time. Please, I need to know.” Robby pleaded. He was an annoying smart kid sometimes Dean thought to himself.  
“Did your Mom ever tell you what me and your Uncles do Robby?” Dean asked the kid.  
“Sure, you hunt monsters. Just like your Mom and Dad did, and hers. Its a long tradition.” Robby said proudly.  
“One I don’t want you continuing.” Dean said quickly. Robby looked at him confused.  
“I want you to listen to me kid and I want you to actually hear what I’m saying. Got it?” Robby shook his head all rapt attention to his father for once.  
“Hunting monsters is what me and your Uncle Sammy have done since we were kids, younger then you and your sister even. But it isn’t what I want for you kids. I want you to live your life Robby. Go to school, as boring as it may seem, and get good grades. Graduate, go to college and get a job. I know its not as exciting as what I do but trust me kid exciting is highly over rated. I want to grow old seeing you work, fall in love and live a normal life. I want you to get a pretty wife who makes you crazy, like your mom. I want to see my grandkids, I want to be there when they’re born and I want to be there when they get their own lives. I never, ever want you to sleep in a crappy motel room or wonder if you’re going to live to see sunrise. I want you to have everything that me and Sammy didn’t. Do you hear me kid?” Dean put his arm around Robby and pulled him close.  
“Hunting monsters may be a family legacy but it isn’t one I want to pass on. Hunting dies with me Robby, promise me this.” Dean said and Robby just looked into his father’s deep green eyes. He saw all the regret, all the pain and all the sorrow they held and shook his head.  
“Yeah, I can do that Dad.” he assured his father.   
“Hunting killed my Mom and Dad. Hunting killed your Uncle Sam and your Uncle Cas. Now we both know Cas is up there in Heaven winging on but he still died down here.” Dean said looking towards the bottom of the clouds that the sunset had painted a brilliant orange. “Hunting will not kill another person I love Robby.”  
“What about the monsters Dad?” Robby asked putting his face against his father’s chest.   
“The monsters will still be there Robby. Its not your job to worry about them. There are plenty of other hunters out there.” Dean said scrubbing his hand over his face. He knew that the world expected a Winchester to keep on killing but he’d be damned if he let it happen. He had two kids and he’d do everything in his power to make sure they never picked up a blade or gun. Which was why they had their mother’s last name and no tie to him at all. It was safer for the world not to know Dean Winchester had people he cared about.  
“What if they get you Dad?” Robby asked the one question that haunted him every time his Dad went away.  
“Then its the way I go Robby. Never, ever think you have to avenge me or whatever stupid crap your Mom might tell you. She’s from a hunting family and she got her own notions. But promise me you’ll listen to my wishes kid. No hunting.” Dean said squeezing the boy a little tighter.  
“And Jess?” Robby asked about his sister.  
“I’ll give Jess this talk too kid, don’t you worry. I don’t care if I got to make a deal with Crowley or Lucifer himself, you or your sister will never be hunters.” Dean said only then realizing just how much he meant it.  
“How can I live a normal life knowing whats out there Dad?” Robby asked looking down at his feet. It was a question he thought about a lot and he wasn’t quite old enough to be able to answer it himself.  
“Because your happiness means more to me then anyone else’s. Its time we started being a little selfish Robby.” Dean said glancing down and giving the kid a smile. This was a heavy talk and he didn’t want to weigh him down with grown up thoughts just yet. He was still a kid and he should be able to think kid thoughts.  
“Alight Dad.” Robby said finally after thinking it over. If his Dad wanted him to be normal then he’d at least try. “But you know Jess isn’t going to roll over as easy as I do.”   
Dean let out a light chuckle but the more he laughed the louder it got. Soon him and Robby were letting out deep belly laughs which brought Robby’s mother to the door.  
“Everything ok out here you hyenas?” she asked with a smile to her son. Dean looked back at her with laughter still on his lips.  
“Yeah, yeah we’re good Beth.” Dean said hugging his son against him again before letting the boy go. Robby ran past his mom who watched after him lovingly.  
“Want to tell me what that’s about?” Beth asked coming and joining Dean on the stairs of her back porch. Her long brown hair was pulled up in a bun but there were a few strands falling freely around her lovely face. Dean reached over to tuck them behind her ear.  
“Just giving some life lessons Beth.” he said as she nudged him with her shoulder. They might not be together but they still loved each other dearly. They had two kids together and that meant more to them both then any ring could.  
“Not planning on running off just yet are you Winchester?” Beth asked him with a sparkle of mischief in her eye.  
“No mame.” Dean smirked at her. He reached over to put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to his side.  
“Good because your daughter has made you a pie.”   
“By herself?” Dean asked wearily. He remembered all too well the last pie that Jess had made for him, and his stomach clenched at the memory.  
“She’s eight and very proud of herself Dean. At least try it?” Beth chided him.  
“Daddy, Daddy, come on, I made a strawberry pie!” came the vibrant voice of his daughter from the kitchen. Dean braced himself, and his stomach, and smiled to Beth.  
“Mmmmmm, strawberry, my favourite!” he said with a small wink before pulling himself off the stairs and going to the kitchen where the little brown haired girl was holding out a plate to him proudly.  
“You got to watch for the green though, I kinda forgot to take them off the strawberries.” she said and Dean saw one stalk sticking out of the piece of pie she had cut. Ah hell, he had lived off of burgers and diner grease for 30+ years, surely his daughters baking wouldn’t kill him…would it? 


	19. Hermit The Frog by Marina and the Diamonds

_Yeah I feel it coming on_   
_When I've been static for too long_   
_And an explosion comes in time_   
_Before I go and cross the line_   
_They say you used to be so kind_   
_I never knew you had such a dirty mind_   
_Well, I went to the doctors believing_   
_The devil had control over me and_   
_I was finding it hard to breath in_   
_Finding it hard to fight the feeling_   
_When my heart just burst like a glass balloon_   
_I let it fly too high and shattered too soon_   
_I was the wrong damn girl in the wrong damn room_   
_I broke my glass balloon_   
_I let go of my glass balloon_

She was absolutely crazy and absolutely breathtaking in that craziness. The way she smiled while covered in blood was both horrifying to him and mesmerizing. When she danced naked in the moonlight, celebrating death he feared for his life but he couldn’t even contemplate running. She was his beginning and his end and he was eagerly going towards the darkness.  
Sam had found the girl in a bar, her hair as black as night and her eyes the color of storm clouds. He had heard Dean wax poetic about Cas’s sky blue eyes but he knew they didn’t compare to the hard grey of his little killer. She was everything he had never wanted and now he couldn’t even think about being without her. She had been the first to approach but she had been targeting the angel not him. Dean was quick to inform her of her mistake so her eyes travelled over to Sam’s tall lean frame. Her eyes darkened and she licked her lips. At that very tiny motion she caught his heart and now he would follow her to hell and back.

Dean wasn’t happy, he was never happy when Sam gained something outside of themselves. But Sam had followed after Marina happily when she asked him to join her on the road. The Impala or her little red Chevy, what was the difference? So he had bid farewell to his family and when she passed him the keys he smiled. He still didn’t know at the time, not entirely, but he had an idea. She would disappear for hours and come home intoxicated on some high he couldn’t name.   
“Marina, where do you go?” he asked her one night after a vigorous round of sex. He lay panting in the bed while she danced around the room to a tune only she could hear. She was smiling widely and her eyes were wild.  
“Everywhere, no where.” she replied with a smirk.  
“Are you a demon?” he asked her unable to even raise his head with the question.  
“No my love.” she said not finding the question odd at all.   
“Good.” he sighed and let his eyes slide closed.

But the next time Sam followed her. He had years of hunting under his belt and knew how to follow without being seen. Or so he had thought. There was no way he could have ever followed her if she didn’t want to be followed. She was like the night, dark and silent in her pursuit of prey. It wasn’t until she had her victim drugged and chained that she looked over her shoulder. Sam ducked behind a beam in the large room to hide and she started her work while humming a song.   
He had watched as she pulled a long thin blade from her boot and began to carve into the man in front of her. He started to wake and she taped his mouth shut. Sam didn’t miss the way she shivered in delight when he did let out a scream though. He felt sick but at the same time he had known hadn’t he? He was always drawn to evil, hell he was teetering on that edge himself. But could he just stand here and let this happen?  
“Sammmmmmy…” her voice was light and teasing as she drew her blade along the man’s jawline. Blood welled and spilt and she giggled.  
“Why Marina?” he asked stepping closer to see her smearing the dark liquid between her fingers.  
“Because I can.” she shrugged and his conscious gave a shudder.   
“This is wrong.” he said but didn’t move to stop her.  
“Why?” she asked tilting her head in his direction. It reminded him of the angel.  
“Because human life isn’t something you should play with.” he lectured her but it felt hollow even as he said it. How many human lives had he and his brother taken in the hunt?   
“Oh Sammy.” she sighed and the man screamed behind his gag. Sighing she shoved the knife in his neck killing him instantly.  
“Life is nothing, something they tell us to coddle and protect. But what’s the point if we’re so hollow we feel nothing?” she asked walking over to him. Her hips swayed in the tight jeans she wore and he licked his lips.  
“You have no right.” he said quietly.  
“I have every right.” she said leaning up to press her lips to his. He groaned at her taste, the feel of her lips intoxicating. He sighed and his eyes slid shut.  
“I take the right Sam, I demand the right. This little tiny body is all they see and they let themselves get taken.” she explained as he kissed down her neck and nibbled her shoulder.  
“You’re insane.” he said but he was addicted to her.   
“Yes.” she sighed as he slid the shirt from her shoulders and kissed his way down her chest. He sank to his knees in front of her.   
“But you like it don’t you Sammy, because we’re the same kind of crazy aren’t we baby?” she pleaded running her bloody hands through his long hair.  
“God help me but yes.” he sighed while nipping at her stomach.  
“Good boy Sam.” she grinned.

It wasn’t long after that she asked him to join her. She wanted bigger and badder prey and she couldn’t do it all herself. He hesitated, he wasn’t a killer, but in the end he followed her and he carried the body she chose. Because he was a good boy.  
The first time he had to stop her before she did too much damage. It was easy to dispose of a body, it wasn’t easy to clean up the mess she was creating. She sulked and pouted but listened. Then she had scrubbed his body clean in a steaming hot shower. She slid the soap over every inch of his skin trailed by her kisses and tongue. She praised him of his strength and his obedience and he melted into her touch.   
The next time she begged him to join her. Had panted with desire while he sank the blade into the victims chest. He refused to carve them up like she wanted. He might be a killer but he wasn’t a torturer. This time she didn’t wait to get rid of the body instead riding him in the same room as the cooling body. He has thrown up that time, his own sense of decency burning its way up his throat and onto the floor.  
But the third time, she had guided his hand while showing him where to cut. She cooed and praised as he drew blood to the surface of the screaming man. It was always men, she refused to even look at a woman. When Sam finally handed her the knife to finish the job she locked eyes with him and didn’t blink as she drew it across the man’s throat slowly. She stripped while the man still struggled against death and Sam fucked her into the cold concrete, demanding control this time. And she gave it easily, telling him the entire time how good he was to her, how much she loved him.

But this wasn’t love, this was insanity and it wasn’t long before his brother was calling him to warn him. The FBI was close and Dean wouldn’t let him get caught even if he was a monster now. So he had packed up Marina and fled to somewhere quiet and safe until the heat died down. Sam was good at running and hiding, had been doing it his entire life. Marina pouted and paced the cabin but she didn’t argue.  
“I need it Sam.” she moaned against him one night as her body closed around him wet and warm.  
“No.” he said thrusting up into her. She threw her head back and let him sink teeth into her pale perfect skin. Blood welled to the surface but just left a bruise rather then spill. Sam enjoyed marking her, claiming her as his own.  
“Please Sammy, please.” she begged as she rode him. Her hands tangled in his hair and she called out his name again and again.  
“Its too dangerous.” he argued though his brain was loosing the ability to think.   
“I won’t get caught Sam, I promise…I need it baby.” she continued but he shut her up with his mouth.   
“I won’t loose you Marina, I can’t.” Sam said when it was over and they lay together sated and sleepy.  
“I’ll never leave you Sam, I love you.” she soothed him with a kiss.  
So when she left the next night Sam knew. He knew what she was doing and he let her go anyway. He didn’t join her, he knew he drew more attention to her then she needed, but he didn’t leave the window until he saw her thin frame sauntering up the driveway with a satisfied smile on her face. That night he fucked her roughly, forcing her to admit how stupid she had been. But it didn’t matter, she needed the kill.

“You got to get away from her Sammy.” Dean was pleading in his ear as they drove some highway in some state. Sam didn’t know where they were any more, none of that mattered as long as he had her next to him. Like right now when she had her head buried in his lap. She licked and sucked at him while he drove and tried to concentrate on what his big brother was saying.  
“I can’t do that Dean.” he replied as she hollowed her cheeks and sucked him in greedily.  
“She’s going to get you killed Sam.” Dean was almost screaming into the phone.  
“Where’s Cas?” Sam asked him trying to change the topic. But really, what else was there for him to say?  
“He’s here, he’s worried about you too Sam. Just come home man.” Dean begged.  
“I’ll see you soon Dean, take care of yourself.” he said hanging up the phone and throwing it out the window. It shattered on the pavement and Sam put his hand on Marina’s head pushing her further down.

It ended as Sam always knew it would, in a pool of blood. But he didn’t expect his own brother to be the cause of it.  
They had been in some little New England town when Dean caught up with them. Sam had no idea how he had found him, probably used some angelic mojo or demon deal. But he had burst in to their hotel room to find them naked and writhing together.  
“Get dressed Sam.” he said grabbing Sam’s pants and throwing them in his direction.  
“Go away Dean.” Sam had growled attempting to cover up Marina. But she just glared at his brother as she stood. Her naked body was beautiful to Sam and he felt the deep flare of jealousy that his brother was getting to see it too.  
“Yes Dean, go away. He doesn’t need you any more, he has me now.” she said flaunting her nudity at the older Winchester. Her body was her first weapon and one she had wielded to her advantage since she first knew what happened when she did.  
“You are one crazy bitch, even worse then the demon he used to fuck.” Dean sneered at her.  
“Why does everyone tell me I’m crazy like I don’t know?” she sighed letting her hands trail over the leather of Dean’s coat. Sam growled but she ignored him.  
“What is wrong with you lady?” Dean asked as her hands found their way into his coat.   
“I know what I want and I take it.” she stood on her tip toes to nudge Dean’s nose with her own. Sam jumped up from the bed in anger. No one touched her but him and Dean was only lucky he was holding back.  
“You kill for fun and that ain’t right.” Dean replied but his voice was dropping the closer she got to him. Now she had her chest pressed tight to his and was licking along his pouty lips.  
“Oh its all kinds of right Dean, you should try it some time. But then again, maybe you already have?” she asked pulling back slightly to smirk at him. His eyes narrowed in anger but she just laughed. A deep rolling laugh that echoed in the cheap motel room.  
“What are you doing Marina?” Sam asked as he could do nothing but watch her.  
“Well if one Winchester is good then two must be better right Sammy? Wouldn’t you love to have your brother back? Joining us on the road just like when you were kids?” she asked as her hand dipped below Dean’s waist. Sam stepped up and tried to pull her away but she shrugged off his hand.  
“Wouldn’t you like to be back with your brother Dean? Taking care of little Sammy again?” she asked in a whisper against his mouth. Dean’s eyes were closed by now and he had a haunted look of need on his face.   
“Marina!” Sam yelled and she chuckled. When she pulled away from Dean she had his long hunting knife in her hand.  
“Come on Sam, you know you’re the only one for me.” she said pointing the knife at a very surprised Dean. His eyes were narrowed on the blade.  
“Don’t Marina, please.” Sam begged her as she tailed the blade down Dean’s shirt cutting it open as she went.   
“He’s trying to take you away from me Sammy.” she said and there was anger in her voice now.   
“I won’t leave Marina, just please don’t hurt Dean.” Sam pleaded stepping up to press into her back.   
“He won’t leave us alone Sam, the only way to keep you is to get rid of him.” she said and the point of the knife sank into Dean’s chest. He hissed but it wasn’t a deep wound, just a warning.  
“He’ll leave us alone Marina, won’t you Dean? You’ll go and you’ll stop looking for me. Right?” Sam asked his brother.   
“I can’t do that Sammy.” Dean said even through the pain. He was glaring at the Marina.  
“See Sam, he doesn’t want you happy, he wants you obedient. But I’m the only one you obey right baby?” she asked with so much fear in her voice. She was as afraid of loosing him as he was of her.  
“Please Marina, don’t do this.” Sam begged and now tears were filling his eyes. He knew how this had to end but he didn’t know which one it would be. Either way Sam was breaking and he didn’t know if he could be put back together after this.  
“I can’t let you kill him Marina.” Sam said and sank the knife into her back. Marina gasped, her hands fluttering up to her chest to where the blade had emerged. It was the blade she had bought Sam to celebrate his first kill. It was long and slender and meant to do exactly what he was using it for.  
“Sammy…” she sighed as he pulled it out and she fell to the floor. Her eyes were already vacant and her blood spread out around her.  
“Sam, Sam are you with me Sam?” Dean’s voice was coming from far away. Sam looked from the girl on the floor to his brother but didn’t actually register any of it. All he felt was the warmth of the blood pooling around his toes.   
“Cas, I need you Cas.” Dean was praying and the angel fluttered in behind him.  
“What happened?” Castiel asked looking to the body on the floor.  
“Later, now I need you to help me with him.” Dean said grabbing Sam’s clothes and trying to force them on him. But Sam was numb, completely and utterly unaware of anything but the sudden hole in his chest.  
“Its ok Sammy, I’ve got you now. I’ll protect you.” Dean was saying as he led him from the room. He had his pants on some how and he knew Cas was back in the room doing clean up. He knew all this but he didn’t register any of it.   
“Alright Sam, lets get you home.” Dean said starting up the car and pulling away from the motel.

 


	20. Sugar Queen by Band of Heathens

_Yea, you fallin off her hips_   
_Wishing you was in her jeans_   
_She never talk too much_   
_But she just know what she'd say_   
_She got space in her teeth_   
_Where she hides her words away_   
_She knows she looking good_   
_She don't care if she's understood_   
_Yea, she even talks dirty when she's on her knees to pray_   
_Swinging from a cage, acting half her age_   
_No time for games, she know just what she needs_   
_(knows just what she needs)_   
_She went looking for another man_   
_And she found him where I stand_   
_I love that sugar, love my sugar queen_   
_Yea, the people start talking when she walking on down the street_   
_Dropping them jaws with every single one she meets_   
_She likes to get her thrills_   
_On the edge of the window sill_   
_All the people gather round but she coming home with me_   
_Oh yea, I love my sugar, love my sugar queen_   
_Yea, I love my sugar, love my sugar queen_   
_Swinging from a cage, acting half her age_   
_No time for games, she know just what she need_   
_(know just what she need)_   
_You know she looks so good in fur_   
_You got to hear that pussycat purr_   
_Oh I love that sugar, love my sugar queen_

“Wow.” Dean said eyeing up the woman who was dancing on the floor in front of them. Sam was just as interested but he knew when Dean had his eye on a woman then it was best for him to step back. Older brother dibs and all that. So as much as he wanted the woman who was currently drawing the attention of half the bar just with her hips he turned away and ordered a drink.   
“I tell ya Sammy, older women, they just got something the kids don’t.” Dean smirked as he turned back around to join his brother.   
“Its called experience Dean.” Sam replied shortly. He didn’t want to think about the woman, not when Dean had his eye on her. It was best to push her out of his mind. Even if he was already day dreaming about those dark brown locks wrapped around his hand as he…ok, no, not thinking about it.  
“I mean, I’m not saying she’s old, but she sure looks like she knows what she wants.” Dean continued.   
“She’s not a teenager if that’s what you mean.” Sam said knowing his brother wouldn’t let this rest. God damn it, how did they end up in a bar with her? Why couldn’t they have gone to that college bar down the road where Dean would have picked up some co-ed and he could have gone back to the motel room in peace? Now he had to watch as Dean hit on the woman here. And she’d probably lap it right up cause god knows every woman did. Dean just had a way with them, a gene that seemed to skip right over Sam. He tended to get bogged down with feelings and words and jesus he hated himself right about now.   
“She’s coming over.” Dean elbowed his brother and Sam looked over his shoulder to see that indeed the woman was sauntering her way over to the bar. She was wearing very tight low hanging jeans with a random band tank top that showed off every damn curve she had and Sam had to stop himself from drooling. Her hips swayed dangerously and men were flocking to her side. She ignored every one of them and went straight to the bar.  
“Can I buy you a drink?” Dean said as soon as her ass hit the bar stool. She glanced over at him and Sam caught sight of dark brown eyes as she looked him up and down. Her lips were in a thin line like she was so used to this bullshit and tired of it already. But then her eyes flicked over Dean’s shoulder to him and he found himself straightening up to his full height even though he just wanted to crawl in to the corner and hide.  
“Sorry short stuff, but when I’m thirsty I’m looking for a tall drink.” she said in a voice that was laced with whiskey and cigarettes. Sam’s body stood at full attention and he grinned at her.  
“Oh, well alright, I’ll leave you to it then. Here’s the keys to Baby Sammy, have a good night now.” Dean said slapping his brother on the shoulder and walking away to find another conquest. Then Sam was left at the bar with her.  
“I’m Sam.” he said introducing himself as she slid over to stand in front of him. God she was beautiful and dangerous, just the combination Sam liked.  
“You can call me Sugar.” she said reaching out to grab Sam’s drink and throw it back. She slammed the glass back on the bar and then grabbed Sam’s hand. She began pulling him towards the door and Sam followed with a big stupid grin on his face. He didn’t notice that over half the bar was glaring in his direction.  
Sugar didn’t say another word even as Sam showed her the Impala and she climbed inside. He got in the driver seat and waited for instructions.   
“Here’s my address.” She said throwing her phone into the seat next to him and Sam instantly hardened again. It was surprising he could think with all the sudden blood rushing to his crotch. He looked at the directions and then they were off. Sugar grinned as she took her phone back and slid it into her pocket.  
“So, uh, I guess you’re from around here?” Sam asked trying to lighten the atmosphere in the car.  
“Now honey we don’t need to bother with all this small talk do we?” she said looking over at him saucily. Sam shook his head and shut up. The drive was quick and by the time he parked the car in her driveway she was already out of the car and heading towards the door. Sam locked up the Impala, because Dean would have a shit fit if he found out his didn’t, and followed numbly.   
As soon as the door was shut he was shoved up against it and Sugar was climbing him like a redwood. She gave a little jump and Sam barely had time to grab onto her ass as she wrapped her legs around his waist. Her lips, her soft delicious lips, were then pressed against Sam’s and he was kissing her back. Tongues began to slide against each other and Sam turned them so that she was pressed against the door instead. Her nails were digging down his back and Sam growled into her mouth.  
“Bedroom?” Sam gasped as he pulled back for a breath. Sugar was trying to work his coat off and he was struggling not to drop her. Instead he pressed against her hips and pinned her to the walls with his own. Then she was able to strip him bare on top while he did the same. Her bra was a black silky thing Sam would be sure to appreciate if he hadn’t been so damn desperate to get it off.   
“I’ll buy you a new one.” he finally said and ripped the straps to get it off. Sugar laughed and that went straight to Sam’s crotch too. He was finally able to get his mouth on her tits and she moaned letting her head fall back against the wall. He pushed aside the long silver chain she wore so that he could suck and lick his way from one tip to the other and his hips were thrusting against hers all on their own. He was so hard it hurt.  
“First door on the left.” Sugar breathed as she wrapped her fingers in his long hair and pulled. Sam loved the tingle that left behind and waited until she did it again. This time he stood up and carried Sugar to her room.   
He tried to drop her onto the bed but she dragged him down with her and he ended up on top of her with her tongue in his mouth again. Not that he was complaining, christ that woman could kiss. Her hands were all over him, his shoulders, his back and then into his jeans and squeezing his ass.   
“Oh darling, what an ass.” she sighed against his mouth and Sam smiled.   
“Take off these damn pants.” Sam demanded trying to get her chain belt off and failing. Sugar let out a laugh and Sam eased back so that they could both strip off. When he looked back at her she was completely naked and laying on the bed looking up at him from her elbows. She was delicious and Sam didn’t know if he had ever been harder in his life.  
“My god.” he breathed out as he lay down over her again. Sugar just smiled, reached down and smacked his ass. He pushed himself back on his knees to run his hands over her legs.  
“Come on sweetie, don’t keep me waiting.” she teased him by running her hands down her taut belly. His eyes tracked it closely and he licked his lips.  
“Want to taste you.” he mumbled before dropping to kiss along her belly. Sugar let out a little growl and it stoked his fire even hotter. He licked along her sharp hip bones and she began to pant a little. Good to know he was affecting her as much as she was him.   
“Come on Sam, don’t be a tease.” she urged him on and with no further warning he practically dove in between her legs. Sugar cried out as he licked her wetly. Sam groaned low in his throat, god she tasted so damn good! He licked and sucked at her eagerly all the while Sugar panted and writhed in under him. He pinned her hips down with his large hands and Sugar fisted her hands in his hair. He mouthed and nibbled until Sugar was screaming and quivering in under his mouth. With one last swipe of his tongue Sam brought Sugar to her orgasm. She trapped his head between her thighs as she arched high off the bed and screamed his name to the ceiling. When she finally came down she was panting hard and had the sexiest grin on her face that Sam had ever seen.  
“Wow.” Sam said crawling up her body where he just stared at her with a sense of pride on his face.  
“Oh get that smirk off your lips Sam. My turn.” Sugar said and with no more warning she rolled over to straddle Sam and pin him to the bed with her hips. Sam moaned as he felt how wet and hot she was against him.  
“Think you’re the only one with oral talents do ya darling?” Sugar kissed him quickly before moving down his body. Sam was hard and awaiting her attention but she teased him by stopping to nip at his hip bones along the way.  
“Christ!” Sam cursed as she wrapped her fingers around him and squeezed none too gently. It was like she knew, just some how knew, that Sam was never one for being tender in the sack. Maybe once, with Jessica, he may have been but now it was about dominance and aggression.  
Sugar pulled him out of his thoughts by finally, dear blessed Jesus finally, wrapping her plush pink lips around him. Sam’s hips bucked up and Sugar just relaxed her jaw and took him as deep as she could. His cock hit the back of her throat and Sugar swallowed around him.   
“Sugar!” Sam yelled as his hands fisted in her hair. He tried not to buck, he tried not to pull or push, but she was taking all of his control away from him. Sam was a wild thing under her motions and soon he had to pull his thoughts together enough to warn her he was about to go.  
“Fuck, baby, you got to stop…now.” Sam growled even though his body demanded he just fill up her mouth with his seed.   
“Alright cowboy, now you should be fun to ride.” Sugar said with a final swipe of her tongue up his hard length. Her breath was even raspier then it was in the beginning. Sam twitched and fought his orgasm.  
“You are evil.” Sam panted closing his eyes and willing his dick to calm down, just a little so he could breath.  
“Oh darling, no one can prove that.” Sugar grinned and before Sam could open his eyes she was sinking down onto him. Sam gasped, his hands shot to her hips and she was so small his fingers almost touched around her back.   
“Oh fuck!” he gasped out and Sugar just looked down at him with an angelic look of innocence as she let him catch up with her.   
“Good?” she asked as Sam’s grasp on her hips relaxed from bruising to holding. He was still panting and sweat had broken out on his upper lip but he nodded at her. With a grin and a sparkle in her brown eyes she smiled at his concentration.  
And then Sugar began to move. Oh god did she ever move…it was like the song she had been dancing to in the bar was written into her bones and now she was dancing on him. Her hips rolled and swayed and all Sam could do was hold on for dear life. Not that he wasn’t involved, he tried to meet her movements with thrusts of his own but Sugar was having none of it. She shoved him back to the bed and took his large hands and put them on her tits. Sam could work with that. He kneaded and pinched at her nipples while she threw back her head and rode him like he was a mechanical bull.   
She used every inch of her tiny body to ride Sam into absolute oblivion. His mind could think nothing but ‘Sugar’ ‘amazing’ ‘fuck’ and ‘close’. Soon he was just chanting those things over and over while she began to bounce herself on him even harder. Her nails dug into his chest and Sam grunted at the pain.   
“Come on Sam, fill me up baby.” Sugar begged him and that did it, that sent him over the edge. With a deep shout he came and squeezed her hips so hard that there were for sure bruises left there.   
When he did thrust up into her one final time Sugar yelled out her own orgasm to the ceiling. Sam had an absurd thought that he hoped Dean didn’t rag him about this but then remembered Dean was no where to be seen.   
Sam’s rattled brain focused as Sugar collapsed on top of him. She panted against his chest and Sam stroked her hair gently. They lay like that for a while until both of them were breathing more stable and Sam felt Sugar’s fingernail tracing over his anti-possession tattoo. He had been soft for a while now but because Sugar didn’t move he was still inside of her.  
“Hailey.” Sugar said while still tracing his tattoo. Sam glanced down at her.  
“What?” he asked.  
“My name is Hailey. My friends call me Sugar because my parents own a sugar cane plant down south.” she moved her head so that her chin rested on his chest. Her deep brown eyes were warm and soft and Sam felt himself slipping into some feelings.  
“Hi Hailey, I’m Sam.” Sam grinned and she laughed lightly.  
“Staying the night Sam?” she asked finally stretching and getting off of him. There was a mess to clean up, sweaty skin to wash, but Hailey just flopped down next to him and curled up into his side. Sam moved so that he was able to wrap her in his arms and pull her close. God she was so small.   
“If you’re ok with that.” he commented but his eyes were already slipping shut.   
When he woke up he was aware of the little ball of heat cuddling into him chest and that he was in still tired in a bone weary way. He glanced down to look at the little brunette that his arms were wrapped around and smiled to himself.  
“I can hear you smirking, go back to sleep Sam.” came the raspy reply and Sam chuckled.   
“I need to let my brother know where I am, I have his car.” Sam said even though the last thing he wanted was to move right now.  
“If you dare try to root for your phone I will tie you to this bed and castrate you. I grew up in farm country Sam.” she said nuzzling in further. Her skin was soft and warm against him so Sam gave up the fight. They lay in silence until Sam was sure Hailey was asleep against him again. He kissed the top of her head and sighed happily.  
“Can I keep you Sugar?” he whispered against her ear.  
“I thought you already were.” she replied sleepily.


	21. Vor í Vaglaskógi by Kaleo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vor í Vaglaskógi translates to Spring in Vaglaskogur. I heard this song sung in its original Icelandic so any trouble with the translation is mine and mine alone :)

_The night is ours_   
_Spring in the wood of skies_   
_We head to the heath with our tent, where the berries grow_   
_Take me, dear friend to the mirth of yesterdays_   
_Where our creek runs free and the birch will blow_

_Light in the mountains_   
_Scent from our dearest fountains_   
_The wind is counting your hair in the light aglow_

_The dew comes forth_   
_Our valley is swept with peace_   
_Our dreams come true, who sleep in the wood of skies_   
_On the berry hearth, the last touch of sunlight dies_   
_And the calm is deep where the quiet waters flow_

_Light in the mountains_   
_Scent from our dearest fountains_   
_The wind is counting your hair in the light aglow_

_Light in the mountains_   
_Scent from our dearest fountains_   
_The wind is counting your hair in the light aglow_   
_The wind is counting your hair_

Not a single word was spoken as he hiked through the trees and finally came upon the meadow where everything had started all those years ago. The place where two people had broken through their walls and issues to finally come together. He smiled thinking about the excitement and slight flush on his brother’s face when he had told him of the night.   
A camping trip, something his city addicted older brother had never wanted to do in his entire life, but once the angel brought it up he had agreed reluctantly. When the three of them set out to find the perfect place the seraph had flown on ahead and declared a more perfect place didn’t exist, not one that the humans could get to anyway. So they hiked and they pitched their tents and they had drank beers in the sinking sunlight before a fire was started and weiners were roasted. The little stream that came down out of the mountains was a constant background babble to their conversation.  
Once darkness settled neither of the men wanted to sleep, instead spending almost the entire night reminiscing and trying to impress the angel with stories of hunts. It was a perfect night and only when the sun began to rise did any of them dare to break the spell. But sleep was necessary for the humans and so they retired to their own tents. He didn’t miss how the angel looked around cautiously before slipping into the tent of his brother.  
“We’re here guys.” he said quietly as he rolled out his sleeping bag. The weather promised to co-operate so he had forgone a tent for the night. A warm summer wind stared the grass around the site and he closed his eyes to enjoy it. He missed his friends, his family that had been here the last time and tears flowed freely down his face. There was no longer any one to hide them from.  
He opened his hazel gaze to watch as the sun began its decent below the horizon. It was beautiful here, calm and quiet, the only sounds around him the rustle of the grass and the babbling of the water. Still as a statue he sat on his sleeping bag and remembered the two men who had meant so much to him, one a brother and one a friend. Two men who had built him up, supported him when he had done so much to deserve the opposite. All the while attempting to come to terms with their own emotions and demons.   
“Alright guys, you ready?” he asked the little urn in front of him that contained the two most important people in his life. Two men who had been taken from him too fast. He popped the top and poured out the ashes into his hand. That had been one of their last requests, burn their bodies together and spread their ashes here in the most important spot to them.   
So while the sun set on the little glen Sam raised his hands and let his brother and his angel fly back into the universe. The golden light caught on every speck of ash and highlighted as it rose up on that summer breeze. Sam cried, he smiled when he thought about Dean ribbing him for being such a girl and how Castiel would automatically come to his defence. He laughed out loud as some ash blew back into his face like they were actually telling him to give it up. It was good to laugh again even if it pained his heart to be there alone doing it.   
After letting them go Sam slipped off his clothes and washed himself in the cold stream. It was a rebirth for the Winchester and when he emerged he felt more alive then he had in weeks. His breathing was ragged and his long hair dripped onto his chest. He didn’t bother with his clothes yet, instead just stretched out on his sleeping bag and watched the stars come out.  
Sam didn’t know if he would sleep that night, he rarely did these days, but he was content enough to sit and contemplate the universe opening above him. And to say goodbye to his family.


	22. No Good by Kaleo

_Can't fight the temptation_   
_When you get the vibration_   
_Won't do you no good_   
_Won't do you no good_   
_You better start running_   
_When you hear the man coming_   
_Won't do you no good_   
_Won't do you no good_   
_No we don't mind_   
_If you don't mind_   
_Hell I never mind!_   
_Now let the moment break you_   
_Let the feeling come take you_   
_Won't do you no good_   
_Won't do you no good_   
_And you know I got feelings_   
_Won't you hit me right, you know you might as well_   
_Won't do you no good_   
_‘Cause he won't do you no good_   
_And I said kiss your baby goodbye_   
_Come on, love, it's alright!_   
_Heaven knows they wanna break you apart, yeah_   
_Kiss your baby goodbye_   
_Come on, love, it's alright!_   
_You never know unless you give it a try_   
_Oh baby_   
_'Said do you no good, yeah!_   
_And you can tell I got feelings_   
_You try to shake it off, I know you won't_   
_You won't do you no good_   
_Today won't do you no good_   
_And I said kiss your baby goodbye_   
_Come on, love, it's alright_   
_Heaven knows they wanna break you apart, yeah_   
_Kiss your baby goodbye_   
_Come on, love, it's alright_   
_You never know unless you give it a try, oh yeah!_

Dean and Castiel sat in their little booth discussing the case Sam wanted to work on when Dean noticed the guys at the bar eyeing them and laughing. The minute Cas noticed him noticing he noticed too. He tensed with his hand around his beer and suddenly looked very uncomfortable.   
“Its fine Cas.” Dean assured him because Cas had become ever suspicious of any and all attention since he had gotten his grace back. It was like the warrior in him had gone into overdrive.  
“If you insist Dean.” Cas growled out in that rocky voice of his that immediately made his dick twitch in his jeans. Dean gave him a little reassuring smile and Cas gave him a weak one back. They went back to talking about the case.  
The next time the men looked and laughed it was clear to them both it wasn’t fine. They were egging themselves on for something and Dean felt any of the feel good vibes from his beer disappear instantly.  
“Maybe we should just leave.” Cas suggested picking up on the tension in Dean.  
“Hell no Cas, we have as much a right to be here as them.” Dean said angrily. He knew what was going on, had seen it in enough bars all across the country but what he couldn’t figure out how they knew.  
Sure Dean and Cas were together, and didn’t make any attempt to hide it, but they made no obvious moved in public to confirm it either. Neither of them was real comfortable with PDA so it wasn’t hard to act like just two friends out for a beer.  
“Want another?” Dean asked draining the rest of his beer and nodding to Cas’s. Castiel drank the rest of the beer and handed the empty to Dean with a nod of his head. Dean may have forgotten himself for a minute and gave Cas’s hand a squeeze before heading to the bar.  
“Fucking fags.” he heard behind him as he motioned for the bartender.   
“What was that?” Dean asked turning around to see the apparent leader of the group sneering at him. He could have rolled his eyes at the walking cliche that was the over weight biker glaring at him.  
“I said, fucking fags. Should be drug out into the street and shot.” he went on with encouragement from his friends behind him.  
“You might want to take your friend home there fellas, before he says something he’ll really regret to someone who won’t be as forgiving as me.” Dean said even though his entire body was tensed to start swinging. Homophobia was one part of his relationship with Cas that he didn’t like.  
“Like who fag? Your pretty little boyfriend?” another of the group challenged him.  
“Oh believe me, you don’t want my boyfriend to get involved in this.” Dean said with a proud little smirk towards his avenging angel. Cas immediately stood and made his way over to him.  
“Ah pretty little thing like that probably likes it a little heavy handed right? Enjoys being pushed down and fucked.” the leader piped up again.  
“Or is it the other way around fag?” he asked getting all up in Dean’s personal space. Castiel actually growled but Dean gave his hand a squeeze.  
“Look guys, I don’t want to start this shit ok? I just wanted to come out and have a nice relaxing drink with my boyfriend. So how about we forget this ever happened and go our separate ways?” Dean offered one last chance for them to walk away. Despite the obvious tension in the air one of the other bar patrons slipped some money into the juke box and the air filled with some random music. (this is where the song comes in)  
“Scared fag?” the leader hissed right in Dean’s face and Dean frowned at the reek of cigarettes and alcohol coming from his mouth.  
“Dean?” Cas asked looking between his boyfriend and the aggressor.  
“Looks like we’re going to have to go a little Swayze up in this Roadhouse Cas.” Dean said and then he was decking the guy to lay him flat on his ass.   
The entire bar took a gasp and the air stilled dangerously. Dean smirked at Cas but Castiel was glaring at the group of drunk guys who were staring at their laid out leader. Dean was pretty confident that by taking out their alpha he had diverted the actual fighting but like a bubble popping all sound and action returned to the bar in the form of the gang of men jumping to avenge their leader.  
It was awesome, in Dean’s opinion. A full blown bar fight that involved honky tonk music, thrown chairs, smashed beer bottles and best of all his amazingly sexy boyfriend who was taking out drunks like they were butterflies. Dean was punched, kicked, pushed and even jabbed with a pool stick but Cas was weaving his way through the fight like he was bored. Dean even saw him pull back a smiting hand once and damn if that wasn’t sexy as all hell.   
But of course all good things had to come to an end. Dean and Cas found themselves back to back laying out bikers when the sound of sirens grabbed everyone’s attention. The bar cleared out pretty fast after that, most of the patrons probably none too eager to tangle with the law. Castiel grabbed Dean’s hand and hauled him from the bar to his precious car.  
“Dean, are you alright?” Cas asked as Dean unlocked the car just in time to see two squad cars tear past them. Lucky enough Dean had parked far enough away that they wouldn’t think he was involved in the fight at all.  
“I’m fine Cas, you?” Dean asked as they slid into the car.  
“I did not sustain any injuries.” Cas said and Dean looked over. When Cas went all prim and proper on him it wasn’t a good sign.  
“Whats wrong?” he asked his angel reaching across to turn his face to look at Dean but he refused to meet his eyes.  
“I…I hate the stigmatism humans have towards gender and sexuality.” Cas sighed. True, being a multidimensional wave length didn’t anchor itself to gender but Cas seemed really bothered by his vessel some times.  
“Hey, Cas look at me man.” Dean pleaded and Cas finally faced him.  
“Nothing and no one will ever make me feel like what we have is wrong ok? Sure I was hung up on it for a while but I’m good now, great even. It doesn’t matter to me what some hick in a bar thinks. What matters is what you think. And you love me right?” Dean asked him. Cas’s eyes immediately flicked up to his and the look of absolute adoration was enough to make Dean smile.  
“Of course I love you Dean.” Cas said and Dean gave the back of his neck a little squeeze.  
“So it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks does it angel?” Dean said and put his hands back on the steering wheel and started the car.  
“We were just assaulted by a large bunch of people Dean, why are you so happy?” Cas inquired but he was grinning despite himself.  
“I just defended your honour in there man, it felt good!” Dean outright laughed.  
“My honour?” Cas was confused.  
“They spoke shit about us and I defended us. It was a good night baby.” Dean reached over to flick in his favourite old rock tape and gunned his Baby down the highway. It was a good night.


	23. S&M by Rhianna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMUT...pure SMUT

_Feels so good being bad_  
 _There's no way I'm turning back_  
 _Now the pain is for pleasure_  
 _'Cause nothing can measure_  
 _Love is great, love is fine_  
 _Out the box, out of line_  
 _The affliction of the feeling leaves me wanting more_  
 _'Cause I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it_  
 _Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it_  
 _Sticks and stones may break my bones,_  
 _But chains and whips excite me_  
  
Dean had no idea how he had gotten roped into going to a fetish club. Well, he kind of did but he really didn’t. Benny had called him out for a few beers and before he knew what was happening there was a crowd of about fifteen of them pounding back tequila and out came the sex brags. No one really believed Dean hadn’t been to the new club in the city and that was how he ended up squeezed into a cab between Benny and Victor on the way to what was probably the riskiest place Dean had ever set foot in. And he was no saint by any means. Hell Sam always pulled a bitch face whenever he crawled in from a one night stand wearing last night clothes and a stupidly satisfied look on his face.  
“Here we are guys!” the cab driver said enthusiastically as they all started to fall out of the cab. Benny paid the man, probably tipping him well for not making any of them puke on the ride over, and then they were standing in line waiting to get into the little tiny door that was marked with one red sign. It was in a foreign language that Dean didn’t know how to read but the bouncer was a good indication it was indeed a club.  
“Uh, Benny, what should I expect in there?” Dean asked a little nervously as the cool October air started to break through his drunk fog.   
“No worries brotha, I’ll make sure you don’t wander off to the really freaky stuff. Its just like a strip club but more leather.” Benny smiled at him with an arm around his shoulder as the line hustled forward. Dean looked around to make sure all of their group was still together and had to laugh seeing Garth bent over puking out the tequila already. But like the trooper he was he wiped his mouth and stood back up grinning and rearing to go again.   
Then it was Dean’s turn to hold out his hand to the overly large bouncer who stamped his hand with a discreet star. He couldn’t see much going into the place, it was dark and lit minutely with red lights all along the hall. There was an atmosphere of liquor and sex though that made Dean feel a little more like he was in any other bar. Until he hit the main room that was.   
Here it was all raised platforms with dancers draped in costumes that ranged from interesting leather corsets and heels to full body latex suits with only little air holes for their noses. The bar was lit with a blacklight, which Dean thought might be a horrible idea for a place like this, and the bartender had so many piercings she looked like a jewelry display. Her hair was also dyed a neon blue and spiked on top of her head where it didn’t move even though she was flitting back and forth to the booze.  
“We getting a room first or some drinks?” Victor asked Benny over the pulsing music. Dean was swallowing his discomfort but he desperately wished he hadn’t listened to his friends. He wasn’t against a little kink in the bedroom, everyone had experimented with a little tie up play right? But some of the people he saw on the floor here made his skin crawl.   
“We’d better get poor Dean here a drink before he runs for the door.” Benny chuckled pushing his friend towards the bar. Soon Dean had a cold glass of liquor in his hand but no inclination to drink it. The guys were all chatting and laughing and looking around but Dean was too uneasy to relax that much.  
“Loosen up man, its only a bar.” Benny said nudging his shoulder and taking in his panicked look.  
“Look at those people Benny!” Dean squeaked out.   
“They’re happy, the ones they’re grinding on are happy, who are we to judge?” Benny asked him seriously. Dean looked over at his friend and thought maybe he didn’t really want to know why Benny was so comfortable in a place like this.  
“Come on Dean, first show is on us!” one of the newer mechanics Meg said raising her glass and howling at the music. Before he could ask what she meant he was lead to a little door and shoved inside.   
Inside the room was one single chair and it faced a very large piece of glass. The shade was lowered on the glass but Dean knew what this pace was, it was a private show room where men (or women he didn’t judge) could have a show in comfort while they probably jacked off. He looked at the chair cautiously but it looked like maybe it was wiped down between shows? It was shiny and smelled like lemons.   
The shade started to go up so Dean swallowed his discomfort and sat down. Hell it was only a stripper, and he’d seen plenty of those in his life. Men and women, it didn’t really matter to him. So he tried to relax and at least give the performer his attention.  
It wasn’t just one performer Dean came to realize quickly, there was one tied up on a stool and HE looked very excited to be there already. He was lean but toned, his strong muscles bulged where he was tied up. His ankles and wrists were bound with black rope and across his chest was some kind of x in the same rope. It looked like it was almost cutting into his skin but hell if he didn’t care why should Dean? He was completely naked and Dean licked his lips in appreciation of his…assets. Pulling his eyes away from the large dick in front of him Dean looked over the rest of the man. He was fair skinned and had a dark mop of hair that was already looking sexed up. His eyes were blindfolded and he had a little strip of cloth over his mouth.   
Movement made Dean’s eyes move to the other person in the room with the man. This one was a woman and she wore dominatrix gear if Dean had to guess. He did like the way her thigh high boots looked on her darker complexion but other then that Dean couldn’t for the life of him ever remember anything about her later. He was completely enthralled with the man.  
“Are you ready for your punishment?” her voice was like whiskey though and must have been piped in thorough some speakers because she sounded like she was right behind Dean. He actually jumped at her voice but when he saw the man nod he relaxed into his seat again.  
The woman reached down to take off the gap he was wearing and already the man was panting. He had large soft looking lips and Dean imagined they would feel fantastic sucking on his…  
“When I ask you a question you answer with yes mistress. Do you understand?” she asked and snapped a riding crop against her palm. The man groaned and panted harder.  
“Yes Mistress.” he said and his voice washed over Dean like magic. It was deep and gravelly and Dean’s dick stood straight to attention.   
“Good boy. Now tell me your name.” she demanded rubbing the crop over his exposed nipples. Little groans escaped his lips and Dean caught himself palming himself through his jeans.  
“Castiel.” he panted. Good god, even his name was exotic and sexy.   
“And are you going to be a good boy and take your punishment Castiel?” she purred and Dean felt it vibrate in his own ear.  
“Yes Mistress.” Castiel answered eagerly. With no more preamble the woman raised the crop and brought it down across Castiel’s back. He arched and hissed against the pain but his hard on didn’t wain in the slightest. Four strikes and then she let Castiel catch his breath. He was panting and straining against his binds.  
“Did you enjoy that Castiel?” she asked him and he nodded quickly.   
“Do you want me to continue?” she asked him but this time her eyes flicked up to meet Dean’s through the glass. He found himself nodding just as fast as Castiel.   
This time the crop came down across his chest leaving red welts wherever it landed. The woman grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled his head back painfully. His nipples looked tortured and Dean rubbed his own in sympathy. That made him groan in earnest though, his nipples being more sensitive then he could ever remember.  
Five strikes this time and by the end of them Castiel was moaning out loud. Each strike of the crop had him gasping. His cock was now leaking pre cum and Dean couldn’t resist undoing his jeans to cup himself. He was rock hard and even the roughness of his own palm felt good.  
“Are you getting close Castiel?” the woman whispered and he had to visibly swallow before answering.  
“Yes Mistress.” Castiel answered and Dean groaned.   
“Beg me Castiel, beg me for more.” she demanded. Walking behind him she grabbed the criss cross of ropes over his back and pulled him into a painful looking position. But Castiel didn’t seem to mind at all, he just groaned harder and his cock gave an eager little twitch. By now Dean had surrendered and had his own dick out in the open and in his hand.   
“Please Mistress, let me cum.” Castiel begged and Dean gave himself a good hard stroke at that. Oh that voice, begging for release…it could be very dangerous.  
“One more round of punishment Castiel. If you can hold out through that then I’ll let you come.” she said and ran her gloves hand over his chest as she let him sit back up. He arched into her touch.  
This time the strikes were on his strong thighs. Dean watched as the muscles clenched and twitched with each strike of the crop. And with each strike Castiel cried out. He dick was red and swollen by now and Dean knew he must be close. Dean himself was stroking himself harder and faster knowing there was no way he was walking out of this room without getting off.   
“Good boy Castiel.” the woman congratulated him after giving him his last strike. She moved behind his back and looked towards Dean but Dean had all his attention on the man in between them. Castiel was begging now, his voice a deeper level then it had been all along. The ropes were straining against his skin.  
“Would you like to come Castiel?” she asked him in a whisper that again seemed to go right to Dean’s ear. His legs tensed up and his back arched forwards as he got closer to his edge.  
“Yes Mistress, please Mistress…” Castiel begged and Dean let his head loll back momentarily as he felt the deep heat of his orgasm building in his stomach.  
“Are you close Castiel?” she purred and Dean’s head snapped forward to watch Castiel nod. His dick was practically dripping pre come now and Den licked his lips again.  
“Come on baby, let it go.” the woman said as she reached down to his balls and squeezed them. Her other hand reached up to tear away Castiel’s blind fold and his eyes locked on Dean’s just as he came.  
Dean had never seen eyes so blue before. Blue like the sky, blue like perfectly warmed water at the coastline, blue like the most coveted gemstone. And they looked deep into Dean’s. Dean shouted out as he released into his hand and at the same time Castiel screamed out his own release. They didn’t break eye contact even when they both sat there panting and coming down. The woman smirked and kissed Castiel on the cheek before reaching over to press a button. Immediately the shade began to lower and Dean was scrabbling to see into Castiel’s deep blue gaze one final time. Castiel seemed to feel the same way and he stayed locked on Dean’s eyes until the shade lowered and Dean was left in the little room by himself and covered in jizz.  
“So how was it Dean?” came a voice from the crowd of his co-workers as Dean emerged from the little room flushed and embarrassed. Benny threw an arm around his shoulder and slipped a drink into his hand which Dean guzzled. He was exhausted and drained.  
“It was…interesting.” Dean croaked out. They laughed at that and Dean had a sneaking suspicion that none of them had ever been inside a private room before. Well, maybe Meg, but none of the others. They wouldn’t be ribbing him like this if they had.  
“Well its nice to see you popped your cherry Dean.” Meg gave him a smirk and he just flipped her the bird. He was too tired to engage her right now.  
“So what did you see Dean?” Garth asked slurring his words heavily. He had obviously been drinking more while Dean was away.  
“That’s personal Garth, just between the man and his performers.” Meg grinned again. Oh yes, Meg had been in one of the rooms before. They all migrated back to the bar at that point and Dean slammed back a few more drinks. Even though he seemed to be at a stand still the time did eventually pass and before he knew it Benny was looking at his watch and talking with Victor.  
“Victor is heading on home Dean, if you want to get out of here.” Benny said into his friends ear. Benny knew Dean better then almost any one and he knew when Dean had had enough. Dean looked and his friend and nodded graciously. He said his good nights to his friends and followed Benny and Victor outside to wait for a cab.  
“Just so you know not all the people who perform here are workers.” Benny told Dean as he lit up a cigarette and puffed into the night air.  
“What?” Dean asked confused as Victor hailed a cab.  
“There are people who pay to be tied up. Part of their price is that they wear a blind fold and are displayed during their act.” Benny continued.  
“How the hell do you know so much about this Benny?” Dean asked him in surprise.  
“There’s a lot about me you don’t know Dean.” Benny said not looking at his friend.  
“You’ve been there…” Dean didn’t exactly make it a question.  
“There’s only one cab available Dean, we’ll have to share it back to the block.” Victor said cutting off any further conversation between Dean and Benny.  
“What block are you going to?” Came a deep voice from the doorway. Dean spun around in shock to see Castiel pulling on a coat and coming out into the cool night air. Dean flushed a deep red and his mouth fell open.  
“Uptown, 3rd and Oak.” Victor supplied.  
“I’m not far from there, mind if I split the cab?” Castiel asked and then his eyes fell to Dean. His steps stuttered and he flushed as well.  
“Yeah man, no problem.” Victor said sliding in to the front seat. Castiel jogged around he cab and slid in to the back just as Benny was snapping his fingers in front of Dean’s face.  
“Like I said man, some of them pay to be there.” Benny smirked and shoved Dean in the car. Immediately he locked eyes with Castiel again.  
“Hi.” Castiel said holding out his hand to Dean. “I’m Castiel, but my friends call me Cas.”  
“Hi Cas, I’m Dean."


	24. US-Studie by Von wegen Lisbeth

_If I could rewind time and make amends_  
 _If I could some how hear your voice again_  
 _and hold you gently in the morning_  
 _what I wouldn’t give_  
 _Say the word and I will turn around_  
 _and run run run to you_  
 _Oh just to feel your breath against my skin_  
 _If I could some how taste your smile again_  
 _what I wouldn’t give_  
 _Say the word and I will turn around_  
 _and run run run to you_  
 _I try to pry my heart away_  
 _its true your loves crazy glue_  
 _so say the word and I will turn around_  
 _and run run run to you_  
 _what I wouldn’t give_  
 _to be us…us again_  
 _say the word and I will turn around_  
 _and run run run to you_  
  
“Why can’t you just say it Dean?” Castiel demanded of the man he loved. The man he knew loved him too but he just couldn’t say it. And right now Castiel needed to hear it from him.  
“Because I just don’t do that shit Cas!” Dean ran his hands through his hair in frustration. Why did the angel need to drag this out now? It wasn’t exactly an ideal situation to be having a relationship discussion.  
The sky was heavy with dark clouds and dry lightening cracked across the horizon steadily getting closer. The air was thick with the pressure of the incoming storm. The rocky ground they stood on was offering no isolation from the wind wiping their coats around them, Castiel actually looked majestic with his stupid trench coat tearing around his legs and Dean hated that he could notice that even now in the middle of shit like there were in.  
“Why?” Cas demanded as the storm clouds rolled in closer and faster. This was going to be one hell of a storm.  
“Why should I Cas? You know I…you know how I feel.” Dean’s voice caught in his throat.   
“I know you appreciate my body and the things we do with it. I know you enjoy the abilities that I control as an angel. I know you think of me as family. But how can I know if you never tell me?” Cas said and his voice was just sad. It was a simple thing he was asking of Dean. After all the hell, literal and figurative, that they had gone through together why couldn’t the man give him the one thing he needed?  
“We’re about to have a fucking demon army on our asses Cas, we don’t have time for this.” Dean was starting to get panicked now. Cas was making demands of him for once in their relationship and Dean just didn’t know how to make him see it. He did love the angel but the people he loved tended to end up dead. If he said it, it became real, it became something to be ripped from him.  
“I don’t care about demons Dean!” Castiel yelled and his true voice carried on the air currents to make Dean flinch.   
“I think I’ve been very forgiving Dean. I have never pushed you for more then you were willing to give. I waited for you to be comfortable before letting my feelings known, I waited for you to initiate a physical relationship with me. I waited for you to let other people know about our partnership. But I can not wait any longer Dean. I need to hear you say it.” Cas said. He bowed his head and released his wings from their hiding place. The wing snapped the feathers and he had trouble actually keeping his wings at his sides.  
“I will not be your play thing Dean. I am an angel of the lord, a warrior, and I will not, no can not, let you control everything about me. I should be proud of who I am and what I have accomplished in the name of good. But you continue to make me doubt myself. If you can’t even tell me how you feel then I take it to mean you don’t share my feelings and I would rather be fighting in heaven then here with someone who doesn’t love me.” Cas said. He waited then, gave Dean a chance to fix this, save them both from the heartache looming on the horizon with the incoming lightning. But all Dean did was open and close his mouth repeatedly.   
“Good bye Dean Winchester, I truly do love you.” Cas said and threw back his head to emit a strong blue white light that was the angel fleeing his vessel. Jimmy Novak slouched to the ground in a heap and all Dean could do was stare after the disappearing light as Cas disappeared.

“I can’t believe you Dean!” Sam was raging, actually yelling at his older brother for the first time in their lives. Sam had bitched at him before, had chewed him out for his many stupid mistakes, but this was the first time Dean had actually seen him in a rage.   
“Shut up Sammy.” Dean sighed dragging his hand down his face. He looked over where they had Jimmy perched up in a chair waiting to see if he would wake up or if Jimmy Novak was truly dead. And of course Dean was holding out hope that those blue eyes would open and it would be Castiel looking back at him.  
“No Dean I won’t shut up, not this time. I’m tired of your emotional constipation ruining every thing good in your life. You had it man, you had the perfect guy and you let him leave just because you’re too fucking scared to grow a pair. Three little words Dean, that’s all he wanted. I’m sure you’ve said them to other people besides me. Hell I know for a fact that you loved Lisa, did you ever say it to her?” Sam continued.  
“I told you never to talk about Lisa again.” Dean warned his baby brother.   
“And I’m ignoring your warning you pathetic little soldier.” Sam spat at his brother.  
“Jesus Sam, its my relationship that just imploded, what the hell are you so upset about?” Dean slammed his fist on the table.  
“Because did it ever occur to you what I was offering Cas when I accepted your relationship? You gained a boyfriend but I gained a brother. He was just as important to me as he was to you Dean. And I was jealous you asshole. You had everything I’ve been fighting for my entire life! Someone who accepted you for all your flaws and stupid attitude. Someone who was willing to do whatever it took to be with you.” Sam said also slamming his fist on the table.  
“Sammy…”  
“Fuck you Dean.” Sam stood up to his full height and strode from the room angrily. He seemed to take all the air out with him and Dean sank deeper in to his chair. He felt his eyes stinging and kicked out in anger. His toe connected with the table leg and sent it against the wall further. He stood up then and fled down the hall to his room because if he stayed in the kitchen then he’d end up breaking it apart just like he did every thing in his life.  
Being in his room probably wasn’t the best idea either, because it wasn’t only his room now it was Cas’s too. Or at least it was until about three hours ago. Now it was the room where he would constantly be reminded that he wasn’t enough, he wasn’t strong enough, smart enough, loving enough, to keep his angel. The angel who had a habit of throwing his dress shirts across the back of the chair at the desk instead of hanging them up. The angel who’s ties ended up around the posts of the bed instead of in the closet where Dean had installed a tie hanger just for that reason. The angel who insisted that Dean install a tv in their room so he could watch nature documentaries while snuggled up against Dean in bed. The angel who had taught him how to let himself go and be free with someone who would accept whatever that was. The angel Dean loved more then he loved anything in the world. The angel who was now gone.  
Dean grabbed the desk chair and threw it across the room, smashing it to pieces on the wall and tearing the shirt in the process. It fluttered to the floor while Dean continued to destroy all the furniture in the room until his eyes came to rest on the bed. The bed where he not only shared his body with Castiel but had shared his heart. Three little stupid words and he could still have Cas in the bed with him. Three little words and he could have made his angel happy, could have made him stay.  
Dean didn’t deserve Cas, he didn’t deserve to be happy. He deserved to suffer and suffer alone after all the pain and evil he had loosened upon the world because he was too weak to give himself up. He was too afraid of loosing his brother, of being alone, so he fought against the better options, the better choices, all to find another way to survive. No, Dean Winchester did not deserve the redemption that Castiel offered in his touch.  
When Dean came back to himself he realized he had torn the bed to pieces. The frame was broken and cracked against the concrete walls and the mattress was ripped and spread across the floor. The memory foam he had adored so much was shredded. The only thing that was unbroken in the whole room was Castiel’s little cactus pot on the knee wall. The pathetic little plant with one solitary flower that Cas had fretted and fawned over when it had bloomed a pretty purple blue color. He had been so happy about that stupid little flower. His face had lit up and his big gummy grin had spread across his face. He had hugged Dean and gave him a big sloppy kiss on the cheek he was so happy to finally see the cactus thriving in the bunker.  
“Cas…” Dean cried out cradling the pot to his chest like a baby. It was so sad and small and pathetic and it was all he had left of Cas’s.   
“Cas, I’m so sorry.” he sobbed over the plant. His tears were hot and heavy across his cheeks and he knew he looked like a baby. But he didn’t care, not in the slightest. If he was going to loose everything then who cared if he cried like a loser in his broken room?  
“Cas, I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to be the man you needed me to be. I’m sorry I couldn’t see how much I was still hiding from you, from us. I’m sorry I drove you away when all I wanted was to hold you close. I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry.” Dean ranted out not caring who heard him. Well that wasn’t true, he hoped one angel still heard his words. Dean closed his burning eyes and sent out his prayer to his angel.   
‘Castiel, angel of the lord, I love you. I love you more then my pride, I love you more then my ego. I love you more then my brother, I love you more then myself. Please, come back to me angel.” he prayed stronger then he had ever prayed before in his life. He hoped his prayer would ring out across angel radio and that every angel on the planet heard his words and knew that he meant them. He wanted to the world, above and below, to know that he loved the angel Castiel and that he would do anything to have him back.  
Dean’s head snapped up when he heard his door open. As it slowly opened and revealed Jimmy standing there Dean’s heart stopped in his chest. Was it Jimmy or…  
“Hello Dean.” came his angel’s voice and Dean dropped the pot in his hands. He threw himself into Cas’s arms and wrapped himself around the man. He kissed his cheeks, his mouth, his eye lids all the while murmuring the three words he had been so hesitant to say hours ago.  
“I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…” fell from his lips every time he spoke and Cas was grinning his big true smile when Dean finally pulled back to look at him.  
“I love you too Dean.” he said and placed a gentle kiss on the hunter’s lips.


	25. Coastline by Jesse Taylor

_I'm gonna run to the water_   
_where i'll find what I want._   
_With the mist in the air_   
_that's clinging to my lungs._   
_Don't let go,_   
_just hold on to me,_   
_hold on to me._   
_I'm gonna run,_   
_I'm gonna run to you._   
_I'm gonna run,_   
_I'm gonna run to you._   
_Where the ocean meets the coastline._   
_Where the ocean meets the coastline._

Dean didn’t know how Sam had convinced him to do this. He was the least qualified person to be on a surfboard at the crack of ass-o-clock waiting for the ‘“perfect wave” as their hippie, but frigging smoking hot, instructor put it. But because Sammy had some kind of strange baby brother hold on Dean here he was. In a wetsuit…on a surfboard…in the middle of the god damned Atlantic. Well, off the coast of Cali but it felt like the middle of the god damned Atlantic.  
“Stop scowling Dean.” Sam grinned over at his brother totally taking joy from his discomfort.  
“Shut up Sammy.” Dean replied flipping his off and then grabbing at his board frantically as he began to tip to one side.  
“Boys, can we not ruin this beautiful sunrise with bickering?” the instructor, who’s name was Cas, said over his shoulder but he was grinning too. And water was running down his cheek from his soaking wet mop of dark hair of course. Causing Dean to stare at the drop until it disappeared into his neckline. If Dean hadn’t of been slightly on the edge of hysterics due to his unreasonable fear of sharks under his feet, he may have been sporting an uncomfortably noticeable chubby in his wetsuit.   
“Are we just going to float here for the day? Because I can enjoy laying on a beach rather then risk drowning if that’s the case.” Dean grumped as his board treated to tip again.   
“Once the sun is up it’ll be safer to try some of the smaller waves Dean.” Cas said in his smokey whiskey gravel laced voice.   
“Then why in the hell did I get up at 4 am?!” he asked indignantly.  
“Because that’s when Sam and I usually come to the beach so we can scope out the best places.  
“I hate you guys.” Dean pouted. He did have to admit the sunset was beautiful but he had seen one too many sunrises growing up in Kansas. The water was cool against his skin but even that wasn’t too bad. He was truly just grumpy because he knew, just knew, Sam had used his unrequited crush on Cas to trick him in to coming surfing with him. Even though he knew Dean had a fear of water, also thanks to growing up in Kansas.  
“Alright boys, looks like we’re getting some good ones coming on now. Ready?” Cas asked over his shoulder at Dean. Dean got lost in that blue eyed stare for a moment before nodding his head yes when he totally wasn’t ready. Hell, he could barely even stand on the board let alone try to actually surf. This was going to end badly.  
  
*  
It ended badly. It ended with Dean being dragged onto the beach with a stomach full of sea water while Cas and Sam argued about taking him to the hospital to get the gash on his head looked at. That argument stopped when Dean began to puke up the water. They rushed him into the backseat of his Impala (oh god Baby’s seat with salt water on them) and took him to he nearest emergency room.   
That was how he ended up with a not so friendly Doctor scolding him on the merits of proper surf training before attempting to be a hero and showing off for his friends. Dean was bright red and sputtering when the Doctor left with instructions of rest for the entire week.   
“I’m sorry Dean, I didn’t think you’d be that…”  
“Awkward? Terrible? Idiotic?” Dean supplied for his brother while Sam lowered his head in shame.  
“You said you’d surfed before.” Cas piped up from the backseat and Dean shot him a glare over his shoulder.  
“I did not.” Dean argued but again Sam looked guiltily away from the wheel.  
“Sammy.” Dean said to his brother in a warning growl.  
“I…I just wanted you to come and try it Dean. I know you and if you try something you’re more likely to enjoy it than not. You’re pretty stubborn that way.” Sam burst out.  
“Sam!” Cas was rolling his eyes in the backseat. He had a towel wrapped around his now mostly try frame but his hair was still damp and stuck every which way. The piercing in his lip shone brightly in the sun steaming through the back windows.  
“I know Cas.” Sam sighed. No one else spoke until Sam pulled in to his driveway. Cas’s old Continental was parked on the street.  
“I’m sorry to ruin the morning guys.” Dean said as he pulled the ice pack away from the bruise on his forehead. He felt miserable and like he needed at least three showers to get all the salt water off of him.  
“Its not your fault Dean.” Cas said glaring at Sam over Dean’s shoulder.  
“It really was a beautiful sunrise.” Dean said trying to make the guy forget about Sam’s idiocy. Sam fled to the house where he could escape the blue eyed judgement.  
“It was.” Cas agreed. He ran the towel over his head and when he emerged he was a spiky haired hedgehog and Dean laughed.  
“You know Dean I teach a beginners class if you really want to learn. I know its not really your thing but…”  
“That sounds great Cas!” Dean cut him off. Did he really want to learn to surf? No. Did he want an excuse to hang around the lean toned angel in front of him? Yes. And there was some other crap about bonding with Sam over surfing in there as well.  
“Awesome.” Cas said “I haven’t got a class started yet and I know you’ll be going back to Kansas in a couple of weeks but I can do some one on one instruction if you’d like.”   
One on one…with Cas…in his wetsuit…oh yeah.  
“If its not trouble.” Dean managed to squeak out.  
“No trouble at all. I know you don’t really get up to much while Sam is working during the day. It can be a little boredom relief for both of us.” Cas grinned as he opened the door to his pimp-mobile as Sam and Dean had taken to calling it.  
“Sounds great man, thanks.” Dean closed the door and waved as Cas took off.  
“Dean’s in loooooooooove.” Sam’s sing song came over the railing and Dean spun around to glare at his brother.  
“Shut up asshat, you almost got me killed this morning!” he shouted chasing up the stairs after Sam. His brother might have at least four inches on him in height but Dean was still stronger and he got Sam in a headlock in seconds.  
“I did not! Besides Cas is a certified lifeguard, he wouldn’t have let you drown. He might have even had to give you mouth to mouth.” Sam teased as he squirmed against his brother’s hold.  
“Shut up Sam!” Dean squeezed on his brother’s neck.  
“Alight, alright, I give.” Sam squealed and Dean let him go.   
“Bitch.” Dean grinned.  
“Jerk”

*  
Cas’s surfing instructions were obviously meant for little kids on their boards for the first time and Dean was loath to admit that was a good thing. After just three lessons Dean was standing on his board with much more confidence and even attempted a wave. A tiny wave but a wave. When he successfully surfed it to the beach Cas was beaming at him from his own board.  
“That was great Dean!” he high fives the other man. Dean was beaming and so freaking proud of himself that he forgot to be awkward around his crush. Not that Cas was just a crush any more. Spending multiple mornings and afternoons with the guy had moved Cas from crush to friend. Not that Dean still didn’t want to peel him out of that wetsuit and lick his entire bod head to toe. Oh no, that was still there.  
“Thanks Cas. I can’t believe how great of an instructor you are. The kids must pick it up pretty fast too.” he said climbing back onto his board and enjoying the lull of the waves.  
“That’s what their parents pay me for.” Cas grinned. “Its getting near lunch, you wanna go grab something?” Cas asked him.  
“Sure, sounds good.” Dean was happy with his success and decided he didn’t want to push his luck. So they made their way in and stripped off their suits. Or at least Dean got part way stripping off his suit before Cas revealed inch after inch of creamy delicious looking skin and distracted him. Dean was surprised to see a full color back tattoo of an angel on Cas’s back. It was done in beautiful water colors of blues and purples. Dean opened his mouth to ask about it when Cas pulled his suit down the rest of the way and revealed the tightest pair of black shorts Dean had ever seen in his life. Immediately his cock twitched to life in his suit and he flushed.   
“Dean?” Cas asked looking back at the guy with a smile on his face.  
“Nice tattoo.” Dean said turning and getting out of his suit. His face was flaming and he didn’t need Cas to see that.   
“Thanks.” Cas said pulling on a pair of shorts. At least Dean hoped that was what he was hearing behind him. He didn’t know if he could handle the idea of Cas stripping off completely naked out here on the sand with him. He rushed his way into his own clothes and then him and Cas were cruising the food trucks for something to eat. They ended up with some kind of fancy fusion burger for Dean and a weird vegan wrap for Cas.  
“I really love it here.” Cas said as they sat in the sand sharing a meal. The water was glistening brightly under the high sun and the wind was just warm enough to keep it tolerable.  
“Its great.” Dean agreed. “Sam really loves it here too.”  
“You think he’ll stay?” Cas asked.  
“Yeah, he’s pretty set at getting the full time position with the firm he’s at. And really, there’s nothing back home for him.” Dean said.  
“What about you?”   
“Well, I mean I’m awesome, but Sam can’t just live in the middle of butt fuck no where because of his brother.” Dean grinned his overconfident smirk at Cas who laughed.  
“I mean why are you still there? You don’t seem to like it much, you’re out here with Sam every few months.”   
“Well, you know, its where I belong I guess.” Dean shrugged.  
“No it isn’t.”   
“No?”  
“You belong where ever you feel happy. That’s why I’m here in Cali instead of back home in Alaska.” Cas said around a bite of his wrap.  
“You’re from Alaska?” Dean was surprised. Cas certainly didn’t look like his typical ideal Alaskan.  
“Yeah, my family has lived there since before we were a part of the States. Its cold, its dark and its scary most of the time.” Cas explained.  
“I can only imagine.” Dean agreed.  
“But I knew it wasn’t for me. I wanted the warm, the water and the freedom that life in the lower 48 could offer.”  
“How in the hell did you learn to surf in Alaska?” Dean asked him.  
“Very carefully.” Cas chuckled.  
“Seriously?”   
“Its not winter all the time, but my window of opportunity was very small. I’ve gotten much better since I came here.” he admitted.  
“I bet.” Dean laughed. He thought back to his simple life in Kansas and he had to admit Cas was right, he wasn’t happy there. He went to work, he went for beers with his co-workers, he took home the occasional girl, the occasional guy, but he wasn’t happy. He missed Sam.  
“So why not come out here? You know there’s plenty of work and I’m pretty sure Sam would let you have a room at his place.” Cas asked him again.  
“Gee Cas, if I didn’t know any better I would think you want me here more often.” Dean teased him. Cas smiled and looked away. When he looked back he shocked Dean by leaning in to him and kissing him.  
The kiss was a surprise therefore Dean didn’t get a chance to enjoy it. Before he could register more then warm lips, salty sea smell and holy fucking shit Cas is kissing me, the kiss ended.  
“Wha…” Dean sputtered and Cas looked embarrassed.  
“I’m sorry, I just thought…” Cas began but Dean wrapped his hand around his neck and pulled him back in for more.  
This kiss, now this kiss was a kiss. Their lips were moving against each other eagerly, Cas’s hand going to Dean’s thigh to steady himself. Dean’s hand stayed around Cas’s neck and began to play with the hairs there. They forgot where they were, the people around them, and even their food as they moved against each other. Tongues were brought into it quickly and Dean moaned at the way Cas tasted of veggies and some kind of underlaying Cas taste. He wanted more and he wanted more…now.  
“Perhaps not in front of the children?” Cas grinned as he pulled back from the kiss and met Dean’s lust blown green eyes. He stood up and offered his hand to Dean. He took it offered hand and let Cas lead him to his car.

*  
“Are you sure this is all you took?” Sam asked as he carried the last duffle bag up to Dean’s new room. There were surprisingly few things in the trunk of the Impala for him to carry.  
“I don’t need much Sammy.” Dean shrugged. It hadn’t been hard to leave it all behind he remembered. The hardest part about leaving Kansas had been saying good bye to the gravestones that marked his parents graves. And leaving Bobby of course.  
“Well, welcome to Cali big brother.” Sam said dropping the bag and patting his brother on the back.   
“Welcome home Dean.” Cas said coming in the door with a little potted cactus. He was dressed up today Dean decided, a pair of worn blue jeans and a even more worn AC/DC shirt, stolen from Dean on his previous sleep over, instead of just his board shorts.  
“Hey you.” Dean said going over to kiss his boyfriend and accept the strange welcome gift. He placed in on the window sill of the large window. Sam had insisted he take the large attic room where most of the light came from in the morning. That way he’d be easier to get up at 4 am for surfing.  
“Well I’ll leave you to it.” Sam said with a stupid smirk on his face. He went on down the stairs leaving Dean and Cas to unpack and get reacquainted.  
“I missed you.” Cas said pulling Dean against him and kissing all over his neck and face.   
“I missed you too.” Dean sighed happily wrapping him in his arms. Now he felt better, now he felt complete, now he felt at home, now he was happy.


	26. Broken Smile by USS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little End!Verse Destiel for some feels

_I got this sensation in my chest_   
_It pulls like vines ‘cross my solar plexus_   
_A self-esteem lower than the state of Texas_   
_My courage’s shooting blanks at a bulletproof vest_   
_I’m restless_   
_A wave is coming_   
_It’s coming_   
_It’s, it’s coming on_   
_A wave is coming_   
_I turn and run_   
_Broken smile_   
_All I hate I’ve become_   
_One more hit, then I quit_   
_Yesterday I baked an eighth_   
_You devil clouds, you blow away_   
_Yesterday I prayed and prayed_   
_You devil clouds would blow away_   
_Same old shit, more or less_   
_Getting higher than the peak of Mount Everest_   
_Spinnin’ like the pieces in a game of Tetris_   
_And burning every bridge that can possibly exist_   
_I’m reckless_   
_A wave is coming_   
_It’s coming_   
_It’s, it’s coming on_   
_A wave is coming_   
_I turn and run_   
_Broken smile_   
_All I hate I’ve become_   
_One more hit, then I quit_   
_Yesterday I baked an eighth_   
_You devil clouds, you blow away_   
_Yesterday I prayed and prayed_   
_You devil clouds would blow away_   
_I got these old issues unaddressed_   
_Deliver me from evil via Federal Express_   
_Rock bottom’s up_   
_Happy hour, what a mess_   
_I’m crashing like a tidal wave in cardiac arrest_   
_Broken smile_   
_All I hate I’ve become_   
_One more hit, then I quit_   
_Yesterday I baked an eighth_   
_You devil clouds, you blow away_   
_Yesterday I prayed and prayed_   
_You devil clouds would blow away_

Dean tried to hate the former angel but he didn’t have the capacity for it any more. In truth if he still loved anything it was Castiel, but it wasn’t the pure love they had shared in years past, now it was a dark and twisted thing. Neither of them really cared for the other any more but neither could live without the toxic symbiosis they had established.  
“Another?” Cas’s wasted gravel voice asked as he picked up one of his many boxes to rummage for some more weed. It was amazing how when nothing else would grow in this cursed wasteland Cas had managed to cultivate a pretty decent marijuana crop.   
“Sure.” Dean shrugged even though he was already riding high on his last blunt. Today had been hard, they had lost three more people in the fight against the Croats, so he forgave himself for needing the extra help tonight.  
“So did you burn em?” Cas asked lighting up and passing over the joint. Dean sucked the smoke into his lungs and held it there for a while.  
“What’s the point?” he asked exhaling and watching Cas’s blue eyes through the plume of smoke.  
“I’ve been saying that for a while now.” Cas grinned back. His longish hair fell into his face and he swung it back.  
“You look like Sam when you do that.” Dean grinned and tucked the lock behind Cas’s ear.  
“Good ol’ Sammy.” Cas sighed. It was only when Dean got really high that he was willing to talk about his brother. Even with the devil inside of him Dean felt something for the only blood he had left on the planet.  
“You know he used to toke in college? He always said it was only once but I knew.” Dean smiled sadly down at his own lap.  
“I can’t picture Sam doing something like that.” Cas said honestly. Of course a few years ago he’d never have been able to picture Dean or him doing it either.  
“He was trying to fit in. Always was.” Dean told his old friend.  
“It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t.” Cas said taking Dean’s hand in his. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was the lose of more people today, but either way Dean didn’t pull away. But Cas knew that, he had known it as soon as Dean stomped in to his cabin and drove out all the other girls there. Tonight he was looking for something old and comforting.  
“Maybe I always knew something was off about him. He wasn’t a thing like me or Dad. I thought maybe he got it from Mom but…”  
“Sam never had a choice about any of this Dean. Heaven fucked him up as soon as he was conceived.” Cas squeezed his hand.  
“Fucking heaven.” Dean growled out and the squeeze he gave Cas back wasn’t as friendly or comforting as Cas’s had been.   
“I’m sorry Dean.” Cas said. He had said it so much the words were always on the former angels lips.  
“Fuck you Cas.” Dean grunted pulling his hand back. He finished his joint and then sat staring at his hands for a while.  
“If you want.” Cas shrugged. Dean’s eyes flicked up at him, he green a darker shade now.  
“Why Cas?” Dean asked after a few more minutes of silence between them.  
“Why what?”  
“Why do you still offer me that? Why offer me anything? I broke you Cas, I tore you from Heaven and I never once said I was sorry. This whole damn mess is my fault and still you offer everything. Why?” Dean demanded moving closer to the man. Cas watched him close the space between them but wasn’t able to meet his gaze.  
“You know why Dean.” he breathed out quietly as Dean grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back into the wall.  
“Tell me Cas.” Dean growled against his lips. His breath was warm and smelled of weed and Cas closed his eyes to enjoy it.  
“I love you Dean.” Cas said and like the apology it was always on the tip of his tongue, ready to be offered any chance he got.  
Did it fix anything? No. Did it ever soothe the tidal wave of guilt that Dean carried constantly? No. But it did make him feel something and at the end of the world feeling something, anything, was a miracle in itself.  
So Dean closed the distance between them and took what little comfort he could in the body of the former angel.


	27. Nepal by USS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a little bit of a USS kick as you can tell lol

_On this slip trip_  
 _Trying to get a grip from my brain I rip_  
 _Government microchip_  
 _Here I am I don't understand why_  
 _Fusion of allusion equals infinite confusion but_  
 _We're all the same blood_  
 _Built in the same frame_  
 _Stuck in the same mud_  
 _Cheating at the same game_  
 _We're all the same nerve_  
 _Feeling the same pain_  
 _Stuck in the same curve_  
 _Rushing through the same vein_  
 _When I was higher than Nepal_  
 _I must've been peaking_  
 _When you were banging on the wall_  
 _I must've been sleeping_  
 _Old pain go now_  
 _Out of my head_  
 _This place is lower than a crawl_  
 _I must've been seeking_  
 _On this bleak streak_  
 _Calibrate and tweak_  
 _Shifty shadows sleek_  
 _Formaldehyde and seek_  
 _Neuropeptide_  
 _Systems override_  
 _Faith is multiplied, quantified_  
 _Trust angel mechanic guide_  
 _We're all the same blood_  
 _Built in the same frame_  
 _Stuck in the same mud_  
 _Cheating at the same game_  
 _We're all the same nerve_  
 _Feeling the same pain_  
 _Stuck in the same curve_  
 _Rushing through the same vein_  
 _When I was higher than Nepal_  
 _I must've been peaking_  
 _When you were banging on the wall_  
 _I must've been sleeping_  
 _Old pain go now_  
 _Out of my head_  
 _This place is lower than a crawl_  
 _I must've been seeking_  
 _I must've been seeking_  
 _Oh pain go now_  
 _Oh pain go now_  
 _If love's the apex of all religions then_  
 _Why do we kill each other like hungry pigeons brother?_  
 _This socialistic battle_  
 _White collar bred cattle_  
 _Greed riding horse back_  
 _Morals riding side saddle_  
 _When I was higher than Nepal_  
 _I must've been peaking_  
 _When you were banging on the wall_  
 _I must've been sleeping_  
 _Old pain go now_  
 _Out of my head_  
 _This place is lower than a crawl_  
 _I must've been seeking_  
 _I must've been seeking_  
 _I must've been seeking_  
  
_needneedneedneedneedneed_ that was all that was ringing through Dean’s head as he struggled to breath. He slammed his door and slumped to the floor grabbing handfuls of his dark blonde hair and keening low in his chest. Everyone always needed him for something!  
Dad needed him to look after Sammy, Sam needed him to be strong in the face of all the shit the world threw at them, Mom had needed him to let her go…all this NEED and no one actually WANTED him!  
“Why can’t any one want me?” Dean whined out as tears drew hot angry lines down his cheeks. His entire body was wire tight and his bones ached from it. All this life he had been what others needed…whatever that may be. And now he was going to hyperventilate alone in his room smothered by that need.   
“Dean?” he heard a deep angelic voice ask and even that was too much, just someone else to need him.   
“Cas.” Dean groaned out as his eyes squeezed shut harder. “I can’t.”  
“You can’t what Dean?” Cas asked and Dean felt a soft hand on his shoulder. He tensed even more and tried to draw away.  
“Dean, please, talk to me.” Cas almost begged. He was attempting to pull Dean’s hands out of his hair but Dean fought him.   
“Everyone needs something from me.” He gasped out in a shuddering breath. Cas looked down into those green eyes and saw the panic there.   
“Not everyone.” Cas reminded him gently. He took both his hands in his and just held them.   
“Even you Cas, you need me to be the Righteous Man, be strong and good in the face of Hell.” Dean argued.  
“I don’t need you to be anything Dean, I just need you.” Cas told him honestly.  
“More need.” Dean said his chest heaving and the tears not slacking at all. He angrily wiped at them. Men didn’t cry.  
“Dean, Dean, listen to me.” Cas said dropping his hands to reach out and cup his cheeks in his own palms. Dean finally looked at him and he saw so much in those deep blue eyes of the angel. All things Dean wanted but didn’t know how to ask for.  
“I know you don’t want to hear this Dean but I love you for you, not for who you’re supposed to be. Not who the world needs you to be. I love the man in under all the masks you wear for everyone else. I see you.” Cas said. Dean felt his breath escape his lungs in a slow steady stream as he really listened to Cas.  
“You…” he asked looking from one eye to the other in search of the catch.  
“I love you Dean Winchester. From the first minute I touched your soul in Hell I have loved you.” Castiel told him honestly.   
“Cas…I…” Dean struggled with his words but he did notice he was no longer gripped by the tight panic that had tried to overtake him moments before.  
“What do you need Dean, what do you want?” Cas asked him and that brought the panic back. What did Dean want?  
“Cas, I need…” he lowered his head in shame. He wasn’t allowed to want things, he wasn’t allowed to need anything but what he was allotted in life. He was a tool to be used. First by his Dad, then by Heaven. He had been built to be a perfect soldier, doing what he was told with deadly precision. He couldn’t want because he had everything he needed…didn’t he?  
“Tell me Dean.” Cas demanded pulling his chin back up again. Dean let him, let Cas ease the tension in his shoulders and let his mind clear.   
“You Cas.” he breathed out in a whisper. God help him but he needed the angel in front of him. He needed him so bad he didn’t know how’d he survived this long without him.   
“Are you sure Dean? I can give you want you need but you have to be sure. I won’t let a moment of weakness on my part ruin what we have.” Cas said.  
“Not your weakness, mine.” Dean said lowering his head again. He knew he wasn’t strong, he knew he wasn’t good. He didn’t deserve the happiness he felt Cas could give him. He turned his body away from the angel and started to stand up.  
“Dean.” Cas said reaching out to pull him back and into his lap. Dean sat there surprised at being manhandled.  
“I want you Dean, all of you. If you want that too all you need to do is tell me.” Castiel said turning his chin so that Dean had no where to look but at him.  
“I’ll disappoint you.” Dean whispered in shame.  
“Never.” Cas argued.  
“I’m not good enough.”   
“For me you are perfect.” Cas replied. When Dean didn’t argue Cas let his hand wander to the back of his neck and pull him closer. But he didn’t close that final inch between them, he wanted Dean to do it himself. He would let the hunter be the one to make the final decision.  
Dean hesitated. This was one step that he couldn’t come back from. If he took what he wanted from Castiel then there would be no more brotherhood with him, no awkward weird friendship, no easy camaraderie. It would change everything. But Dean needed this, for once Dean needed something and he would take it.  
With no more hesitation he closed the distance between them and placed his lips against Castiel’s. The kiss was soft at first, both of them overcome with just the momentousness of the movement. This was it, this was them taking the next step together. But Dean settle for just overcoming his fear. Now that he felt Cas’s lips on his he needed to know more. He needed to know how he tasted, how he sounded, how he would give under Dean’s touch. Or would be push back, would he the one to make Dean submit? Deep shame came rushing in after the desire that thought brought.  
Dean gripped the back of Cas’s neck and tilted his head so that he could kiss him further, harder, deeper. He licked at his lips until Cas opened and let him inside. He groaned at the taste of angel on his tongue and Cas let his hands wander over every inch of Dean he had been aching to touch.   
Cas knew this body, he had rebuilt him inch by precious inch. He had recreated every freckle, wrinkle and scar. He had lovingly held him as he worked, letting Dean’s soul slide inside of his grace where he was soothed from the horrors of Hell. Castiel had fallen in love with the Righteous Man in those moments and now that love came crashing back in overwhelming waves. He gripped Dean’s shirt and held him impossibly close.   
“Cas…need you.” Dean breathed out as he pulled back enough to gasp in a deep intake of air. His head was swimming with pleasure and his lips were wet and pink.  
“You have me Dean, for as long as you need me.”  
Later when the lust was slacked and they just lay there holding each other in the dark and stuffy room Dean let voice to his inner most fears and desires. Castiel listened intently and even gave him some of his own thoughts. They laughed gently with each other, kissed tenderly and Dean sighed happily. Soon the world would come crashing back in on him, people needing him to be the saviour he hated but right now in the arms of Castiel Dean was content and satisfied. He let Cas stroke his hair gently while telling him of his very long and very lonely angelic life. Some where between his words and his touch Dean fell asleep and when Cas looked down at him he smiled. This was good, this was where he had always meant to be. The monsters, the angels, the demons…all of it could wait because right now he was exactly where Dean needed him to be.


	28. Near To The Wild Heart Of Life by The Japandroids

_The future’s under fire_   
_The past is gaining ground_   
_A continuous cold war between_   
_My home and my hometown_   
_I was destined to die dreaming_   
_When one day, my best friend_   
_With passion and pure provocation_   
_Summoned me and said_   
_“You can’t condemn your love_   
_To linger here and die_   
_Can’t leave your dreams to chance_   
_Or to a spirit in the sky_   
_May your heart always be ardent_   
_Your conscience always clear_   
_And succumb to the city and surrender, baby_   
_I’ll be waiting here”_   
_And it got me all fired up_   
_To go far away_   
_And make some ears ring from the sound of my singing, baby_   
_(Oh oh, oh oh)_   
_And it got me all fired up_   
_To go far away_   
_And make some ears ring from the sound of my singing, baby_   
_(Oh oh, oh oh)_   
_So I left my home_   
_And all I had_   
_I used to be good but now I’m bad_

“Christ Sammy…” Dean grumbled as they pushed their way into the dark and noisy bar. It was a typical bar but there was punk music blaring from the speakers in the ceiling. Sam started to bob his head with the tunes and Dean glared at him.   
They were in town on a case, one that Dad had deemed easy enough for Dean to take his little brother along. Sam was only 16 and Dean hated the idea of having to babysit. His brother was a pretty good kid but the longer he moved his head to this crap music the more Dean wished he could just shove him in the trunk. Punk music, Christ he just didn’t get it.  
“Its not punk Dean, its rock. You know rock, like Zepplin and AC/DC?” Sam argued when Dean grumbled about the music.  
“You shut your mouth Sammy, this is not rock.” Dean growled.  
“Come out of the 80’s Dean, welcome to the modern age of music.” Sam grinned. It was hard to forget Sam was still a kid, even if he was taller then most trees.   
Dean decided it was easier to ignore the argument Sam was laying out for him and ordered some pub grub for them both. Might as college barflies and the campus bar seemed the logical place to start.  
“Alright folks, lets bring on the reason you’re all here tonight. Please welcome back Heaven’s Rebellion!” came a woman’s voice across the air as she used the mic on a stage to announce some live entertainment. Dean rolled his eyes but Sam clapped eagerly as a group of four guys took to the stage in typical punk attire. There was lots of ripped jeans, piercings and died hair cut in horrible styles. There were tattoos and chains and a general bad attitude in the band but there was one, who just so happened to take the mic in his hand, who caught Dean’s eye. He was about Dean’s height but because of the muiltiple piercings in his face and dark eye liner Dean couldn’t tell his age. His black hair was shaved on the sides and styled into a blue mohawk.   
“Hey folks, I’m Cas, that’s Balthazar on the bass, Alfie on guitar and backup vocals and Gabe on the drums. Ready for some music?” came a deep gravel voice that made Dean shiver in his leather. His eyes widened at the reaction. What the hell? Dean didn’t do guys.  
Immediately a guitar heavy rift followed by fast drumming flowed through the air quickly followed by Cas’s smoky voice. Dean found himself ignoring the food in front of him even though two minutes ago he had been starving. He was enthralled by Cas and his voice. He was passionate in his singing, even when he was looking down at his fingers on the guitar strings. He hunched over the instrument but there was no hesitation in his words or tone.   
“Dean?” Sam called through the loud music. Dean blinked but didn’t look away from the stage.  
“They’re pretty good right?” Sam asked and Dean gave him a quick nod. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Cas. His slim body was covered in clothing but Dean could see tattoos peeking up his collar and along his arms. Strong toned arms that had no trouble what so ever slinging around that guitar.  
“Yeah, good.” Dean replied absently to his brother. He didn’t look away so he didn’t see Sammy let a big grin spread across his face while he looked between Dean and the band. Maybe Dean wasn’t such a perfect little Winchester after all.   
The band played a half dozen songs, some Dean had heard before and some he hadn’t. He found himself tapping his foot along with the music but didn’t look away. Sam ate the food and grinned the whole time. And when the band left the stage for a break the younger brother stood and wandered away before Dean could catch him.  
“Dammit Sammy.” Dean growled finally coming back to his senses to see Sam walking towards the stage. He jumped up and followed just to make sure the bean pole didn’t get himself jumped by a punk.   
To Dean’s surprise he saw Sam talking to some of the band members. He grabbed his brother’s elbow to let him know he was there.  
“Hey Dean, I was just telling these guys how awesome they are.” Sam said introducing him to the band members. They were all there except Cas.  
“I hear you’re not a big punk fan Dean-o?” the one called Gabe said around a lollipop hanging from his mouth. He was the strangest little guy, all bright orange hair and dark eye make up. Dean wasn’t sure how to handle him.  
“Not really, but you guys are something else.” Dean said honestly.  
“Its Cas, he brings all the love.” Gabe shrugged giving Sam a wink. What the hell?  
“Let me guess, you like country music and good ol’ rock n roll?” Balthazar, much taller then Gabe, asked Dean in a British drawl. He was the least punky of the entire group. His blonde hair was cut short and styled just right and he wore all black clothing with no rips or chains. There were tattoos showing through the deep v of his shirt though.  
“Dean’s a fan of the 80’s rock.” Sam said and smiled at his brother.  
“I listen to other stuff too Sam.” Dean scolded back.  
“When?” Sam countered and Gabe chuckled.  
“Well its nice to know we can convert someone to a more refined taste.” Balthazar said raising his beer to salute Dean.  
“We’re on in five guys.” Dean heard that deep gravel come from over his shoulder and had to fight a shiver. He looked around to see Cas sauntering over to them with two beers in his hand. He handed one off to Alfie, tall and silent Alfie, and looked at Dean and Sam curiously.  
“Hey Cas, meet two new fans, Dean and Sam.” Gabe introduced them and Sam leaned over to shake Cas’s hand. Dean would have offered too but he couldn’t seem to bring himself to look away from the brilliant blue of Cas’s eyes.   
“That’s always nice to hear, we don’t have much of a fan base yet.” Cas smiled back with a little quirk of his eyebrow at Dean. Dean who still hadn’t said a word and was only now able to look away from Cas’s eyes to take in his lip piercings and tattoo on his neck. It was some weird symbol that tugged at Dean’s memory.  
“Hey man is that Enochian?” Sam asked of course being the gigantic nerd he was.  
“Very nice, its not often people know that.” Cas said pleased at Sam. Dean cursed his brother in his head.  
“What does it say?” Sam went on.  
“Its an Enochian protection glyph. Keeps watchful eyes at bay.” Cas explained. He was talking to Sam but he let his gaze wander over to Dean every once in a while.   
“Ok gang, time to get back to work.” Gabe sighed and grabbed his sticks twirling them in his fingers.  
“Good luck.” Sam said to him with a grin and Gabe winked at him again.  
“Nice to meet you Dean.” Cas said sliding closer to the elder brother. Dean felt his face flush and Cas grinned even wider.  
“If you ever get your voice back how about you buy me a beer before the night is over?” Cas asked placing his empty beer in Dean’s hand. Dean looked up surprised at the request but nodded quickly.   
“You’re amazing.” Dean blurt out and then ducked his head in shame. Jesus, could he be any more of a creeper?  
But Cas just laughed deeply. He reached out and surprised Dean by pulling him in by his jacket for a quick kiss. Dean froze as the soft lips met his and before he had a chance to react Cas was walking away with a grin on his face. He jumped up on the stage and grabbed his guitar.  
“Did you miss me folks?” he asked into the mic and dropped a wink and a smirk in Dean’s direction. The crowed clapped and whistled before the music started again.   
“Come on lover boy, lets sit down before you pass out.” Sam said throwing his arm over his brother’s shoulder. He couldn’t help but laugh at the little grin Dean was trying to hide. Dean Winchester was blushing like a school girl and Sam would enjoy every damn minute of this. He knew as soon as Dean came back to his senses he’d be shoving all this gay love straight down to the bottom of his boots and Sam knew he had to be careful about how he handled this or Dean would shut down. Without John there to keep him on the straight and narrow Sam hoped Dean could at least explore what he saw between him and Cas. It was his job to make Dean realize there was life outside of hunting and John Winchester wasn’t the end all be all Dean had idolized him to be. Despite the fact that he was only 16 Sam took that job very seriously.


	29. My Life Would Suck Without You by Kelly Clarkson

_'Cause we belong together now, yeah_   
_Forever united here somehow, yeah_   
_You got a piece of me_   
_And honestly_   
_My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you_   
_Maybe I was stupid_   
_For telling you goodbye_   
_Maybe I was wrong_   
_For tryin' to pick a fight_   
_I know that I've got issues_   
_But you're pretty messed up too_   
_Either way I found out I'm nothing without you_   
_Being with you is so dysfunctional_   
_I really shouldn't miss you_   
_But I can't let you go_   
_Oh yeah_

How in the hell can one little woman have so much damn energy after spending the majority of the night before fighting tooth and nail with him? These thoughts ran through Sam’s mind as he watched his girlfriend dance around her kitchen in her underwear and one of his button ups which singing loudly to Kelly Clarkson. She had her pretty red hair in two pigtail braids and she was using the spatula for a microphone. Sam couldn’t help but smile as he leaned against the door frame watching her. Was this really the same girl who had screamed at him at 3 AM while tears ran down her face?  
“I know that I’ve got issues, but you’re pretty messed up too…” she sang swinging around and pointing to Sam with a wink. He couldn’t help the smile that came across his face regardless of trying to stay upset with her. She was just so full of energy, and so…passionate.  
“How are you even awake yet?” Sam asked walking in to the sunlit room to see the pancakes she was making being flipped when perfectly golden.  
“Can’t sleep the day away Sammy.” She grinned and went back to singing.   
“Abby, come on. We didn’t finish our argument last night.” Sam said and she glared over at him.  
“Of course we didn’t, because its not an argument we can finish.” She said reaching over to turn down the radio. She plated two large pancakes and handed them over to Sam before shooing him away from the stove.  
“Abby…” Sam sighed sitting at the table and rubbing his eyes. He was exhausted and Dean would be here any minute to get him.  
“Don’t Abby me Sam Winchester!” she said turning around and pointing at him with the spatula.  
“You are the one that won’t tell your brother about this. You are the one who insists he can hunt and take care of me and a baby. You are the one who…forgot to take the pill and got us in to this situation.” She finished throwing her hands in the air and turning back to the stove.  
“Yes Abby, I’m the one who forgot to take her birth control and now have a love child with a hopeless hunter in her belly.” Sam said unable to stop the smile from returning.  
“Shut up Sam.” Abby growled. She angrily plated her own breakfast and shut off the stove.  
Sam got up from the table and went to where she was just staring at the stove. He reached around her to take her plate from her hands, placed it on the counter, and then wrapped those long arms around her. He placed one hand on her lower stomach and kissed her hair.  
“I promise I will tell Dean.” He sighed and placed his cheek on the top of her head. “I promise that I will be here for you. And I promise you and this baby that nothing on this earth could stop me from loving you both.”   
“We don’t need promises Sam, we need you.” Abby said quietly. She turned so that should could wrap her arms around Sam’s neck and let her fingers trail in his long hair.  
“We have time Abby, we have time to figure this out. I can’t just leave my brother out there alone. You don’t know Dean like I do, he can’t be alone.” Sam said gently.  
“He won’t be alone Sam, he has Castiel. Even if he doesn’t want to admit it.” Abby said.   
“Maybe if I could get him to admit he loves Cas then maybe I could leave. But Abby, do you really think even I’m capable of that? He’s so damn pig headed when it comes to Cas.” Sam said shaking his head.  
“I know my love.” Abby sighed and laid her head against Sam’s chest. She listened to his steady heartbeat and it soothed her ragged nerves.  
“I love you Abby, and this little person we created.” Sam said moving his hand to her belly again. She placed her much smaller hand over his.  
“We’ll figure this out.” He said kissing her.   
Little did either of them know that Dean stood in the hallway listening to every word they said.


	30. Wasn't That Drunk by Josh Abott Band

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> done for a request on Facebook :)

_I was tipsy when you kissed me_  
But that ain't why I kissed you back  
I'll be honest, I've wanted to do that, to do that, do that  
Oh so long and oh so bad  
Then last night, it happened so fast  
I'd do it over, I wouldn't think twice  
'Cause lying here sober, it still feels right

 _I know we were laughing saying whatever happens_  
We can blame it on the wine when the sun comes up  
If you're thinking it's because we were drinking  
Well, that don't mean that it don't mean much  
'Cause it did and it does  
The truth of it is I wasn't that drunk

            ‘Ten years, Jesus how did that happen?’ Dean thought to himself as he looked around the horribly decorated gymnasium. There were balloons and streamers and all the typical cliché of school dances in the years of his teenage years. Dean glanced from the decorations to the little groups of people who were mingling and trying to remember why they actually liked each other in high school.

            Dean shrugged uncomfortably in his jacket, an honest to god jacket that Sammy had left at home during his big move and that actually fit Dean, and made his way straight to the open bar. One of the only reasons he had agreed to come to this thing of course. He hadn’t particularly liked high school. Even at that young age Dean had preferred to be under the hood of a car helping Uncle Bobby. But when the invitation had shown up in his mail he had the momentarily insane flash of blue eyes and black hair and had said hell yeah! Maybe it was the six pack he had downed with Benny after work that assisted in that fantastic decision?

            ‘Why in the hell would he even be here? He ran from this place as soon as he could.’ Dean thought while getting his beer and turning to see if he recognized a single person from his graduating class. There was the usual blonde cheerleaders who had married their jock boyfriends, or some version of them, and now had 2.3 kids and the mom haircut. There was also the nerds who were now rolling in Silicone Valley money and had only come to rub it in those cheerleaders noses. A few former goths and emos wandered around giving the decorations slight sneers which meant they hadn’t actually grown out of their phases as much as they liked to pretend. And of course there was the

‘good’ students who had actually come to see the teachers that had inspired them along the way. Dean thought they were the only ones who might actually enjoy this thing. A glance at his watch told him he had only been here ten minutes and already he was planning an escape.

            “Dean? Dean Winchester?” Dean heard a voice that both made him smile and reflexively brace himself for a prank. He glanced to his side and saw that Gabriel hadn’t

really changed all that much. He was still short, still smirking and still had that twinkle in his eye saying he could equal parts torture you or be your best friend.

            “Gabriel! How the hell are you man?” Dean asked patting him on the shoulder. He was actually surprised to find that he was happy to see the little trickster. They had had a strong friendship in high school after Dean had helped him prank the school’s lacrosse team after they had harassed one of the smaller kids in school. Dean had been all for beating the crap out of the team captain but Gabriel had a much better plan. They had served three months worth of detention but it was worth it to see the punk cringe every time Gabe or Dean walked past him in the hall. And apologize to every kid he had ever bullied as well.

            “I never would have expected to see you here tonight.” Gabe said honestly as they both turned back to watch the crowd.

            “Sammy made me come.” Dean sighed.

            “How is the ol’ Samsquatch? Still growing?” Gabriel asked and Dean smirked at the nonchalance in that question. Dean had been the only one to know that Gabe was gay in high school and had been sworn to secrecy when he found himself enamored with Dean’s younger brother.

            “Nah, he stopped thank god. Became a lawyer and lives on the coast. Single.” Dean said chuckling as Gabriel blushed.

            “Good for him.” He said as easily as he could.

            “What about you Gabe? Any special someone?” Dean asked. He was dying to get to his real questions but didn’t want to appear over eager.

            “Me? Nah, no lucky guy yet. Thought there was in college for a while but he turned out to be Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right.” Gabriel said lightly. He lifted his hand and waved as someone recognized him..

            “Thank god we’re not too old yet hey buddy?” Dean drained the rest of his beer. He ordered another before Gabriel spoke again.

            “He’s here you know.” Gabe said not looking at Dean. Instantly Dean froze with his beer part way to his lips.

            “Where?” he asked before flinching. So much for not sounding too eager.

            “I knew it!” Gabe said triumphantly as he looked over at Dean grinning huge.

            “Gabe.” Dean warned.

            “I told him you’d be here. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to risk it but I convinced him to join me. Right now he’s talking to his old English teacher, Mrs. Bale.” Gabriel said.

            “How is he?”

            “He’s grown.” Gabe shrugged.

            “Is he…”

            “He settled down with a guy about five years ago. But it recently fizzled and he moved in with me. He works at the University now, got his own place after a while.”

            “That’s good, good for him.” Dean couldn’t think of anything else to say.

            “He never got over it Dean-o.” Gabe said finally turning and looking at Dean. Dean lowered his head in shame, ten years of it.

            “Me either.” He admitted to his former best friend. Gabe looked at him seriously, a rare occurrence. Dean hoped he found what he was looking for in his face.

            “I won’t let you hurt him again Dean. He’s my brother.” He said.

            “I was young Gabe, young and stupid. So fucking stupid.” Dean hoped Gabe could hear the sincerity in his voice. He just might have because after a minute he nodded.

            “I just don’t understand it Dean. Three years you two made heart eyes after each other and then when you _finally_ hook up you have your big gay freak out and blame it on the liquor. Do you know he still won’t touch the stuff? And won’t date anyone that drinks either.” Gabe raised his eyebrow at Dean’s beer. Dean felt his hand drop.

            “Damn.” He said as his breath rushed out of his lungs.

            “Yup.” Gabe agreed. He put down his empty glass and rubs his hands together.

            “Well that’s enough serious time for me. Time to go find some jocks who still think they’re the shit.” He said and wandered off into the crowd. Dean watched him go. He raised his beer back to his lips but instead of drinking it like he planned he lowered it back down again. He let his fingers slip from around the bottle and something in him just knew he’d never touch another one.

            “Hello Dean.” Came from over Dean’s shoulder and instantly Dean both tensed and relaxed as that gravel tone washed over him. God he had missed those words on those lips.

            “Cas.” Dean said turning around to look at the man he had become. He still had messy black hair, amazingly blue eyes and those soft pink lips but Cas had grown into his body. He was no longer skinny and gangly but looked toned and lean. And with a few extra inches in height so that he was almost as tall as Dean. A dark blue dress shirt was rolled up to his elbows and he wore a vest over it. It was adorably both dorky and hot.

            “How are you Dean?” Cas said with a small nervous smile. Dean felt his palms beginning to sweat.

            “I’m good Cas, you? Gabe said you’re teaching at the Uni.” Dean said surprising himself with actual honest to God grown up conversation.

            “Yes, American Literature. Yourself?” Cas asked. When a group of people came up behind him trying to get to the bar Dean followed him away from the bar and into a quieter corner.

            “I took over Uncle Bobby’s garage after he had the accident. He still does a lot of the paperwork, the wheelchair doesn’t interfere with that of course, but I do all the actual running of the shop.” Dean said. For a kid who had barely scraped by enough to graduate high school he was pretty proud of himself for having that much.

            “That’s great Dean. I’m heard about Bobby’s accident, it’s a shame.” Cas said politely.

            “It took him a while but he’s ok with it now. The hardest part was convincing him that he couldn’t live in that house with its thousand stairs. Finally got him to downgrade to a single level and turned the house in to the office.” Dean said kind of proud of that.

            “He’s lucky to have you to take care of him.” Cas said and Dean blushed.

            “Hell it was a little selfish to be honest, I just wanted to be able to turn the upstairs into an apartment for myself.” Dean said with his lopsided grin and Cas chuckled.

            “Whatever works for everyone.” He shrugged. They fell in to some drawn out silence and it was threatening to smother Dean.

            “Look Cas I’m sorr…”

            “You want to get out of he…”

            Both spoke at the same time and then stopped. Dean couldn’t believe what he had just heard. Did Cas just ask him…

            “My place isn’t too far from here, would you like to see it?” Cas asked and there was something in his voice that Dean couldn’t understand.

            “Uh, yeah sure.” He said completely taken by surprise. Cas nodded once and then turned to walk out. Dean followed in confusion.

            Cas led him to a small little house on the further side of town near the University and as Dean pulled his Impala in behind Cas’s eco-friendly green planet conscious nerd-mobile he started to panic. Why had Cas invited him back here? Was it for what Dean hoped it was? Or was he just going to show off how well he had done without Dean? How good his life was despite Dean Winchester fucking him over so completely? Dean wouldn’t blame him if it was the later.

            “Would you like something to drink? I only have water and soda.” Cas asked as they hung up their jackets and Dean looked around the small cozy little living room.

            “Water is fine thanks.” Dean said as he looked at the little framed pictures on the bookcase. Dean recognized Cas’s family, he had grown up with them after all. Gabriel was always the black sheep but his family had loved him none the less. Castiel of course was the baby and therefore loved just a little bit more.

            “Here you are. Sorry I don’t have any beer or anything.” Cas apologized coming in to the room and offering Dean a cold bottle of water.

            “No problem man, I should probably drink more of this anyways.” Dean gave him a weak smile. He pointed to the family picture in front of him.

            “How is everyone?”

            “Mom and Dad are great, enjoying life without kids in the house. They started their own little hobby shop a couple of years ago. Michael is some corporate big wig out in New York and Anna just had baby number three. Her and her wife run a non profit for LGBT youth.” Cas explained. “And you know Gabriel of course, nothing ever changes with Gabe.” Cas smiled.

            “I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.” Dean chuckled and Cas agreed. He had drifted closer to Dean as he spoke and Dean looked over to see that he was almost close enough to touch.

            “Cas…” Dean said before he could talk himself out of it. He needed to do this, he needed to make Cas understand just how sorry he was.

            “Don’t Dean.” Cas said not looking at him. His brow was furrowed and there was a little crease that Dean hadn’t seen before.

            “I know you don’t want to hear it Cas, probably would rather forget me altogether but…”

            “I never forgot you. As much as I wanted to.” Cas finally looked at him and Dean swallowed at the raw emotion he saw there.

            “I just wanted you to know…” Dean began lowering his head and letting the water bottle drop to the table.

            “We were kids Dean.” Cas said sounding drawn away. Dean squared his shoulders and looked up him.

            “That was no excuse Cas, no excuse for how I treated you. You were always there for me, more than anyone else in my life and I just threw you away. I freaked out and I’m more sorry than you can ever know. I never forgave myself.” Dean said. Cas looked down and away from him but Dean reached out to grab his chin and lift his face.

            “I loved you Cas, I always loved you. But of course being the emotionally stunted punk I was I didn’t know how to handle that. So I did something unforgivable and I’m sorry.” Dean said finally, finally!, getting out the words that had been on his tongue for ten years. Cas looked back and forth between his eyes as if looking for any sign of insincerity.

            “I can only beg forgiveness and hope that by some miracle you can be my friend again. I’ve missed you Cas, so fucking much.” Dean sighed. He hadn’t dropped his hand and without thought stroked over the slight stubble that Cas had.

            “I couldn’t ever be your friend again Dean.” Cas said and Dean’s heart dropped. Of course he couldn’t. Why in the hell was Dean stupid enough to think Cas would ever want to be friends with him after what he put him through?

            “I need more.” Cas said and Dean stopped all movement.

            “What?” Dean asked but then Cas surged forward and was kissing him and Dean couldn’t do anything but react. He closed his eyes, let his hand come up to Cas’s waist and just kissed him back.

            Ten years hadn’t changed a damn thing about Cas’s lips except now he was more sure of what he was doing. He kissed Dean with hunger and passion and so much more. Dean actually swayed on his feet and he felt Cas smile against his mouth.

            “Shut up.” Dean growled and kissed him harder. He felt Cas’s fingers grip the lapels of the stupid suit jacket and pull him closer.

            “Wait, wait…” Cas said suddenly pulling back and panting. He rested his head against Dean’s forehead and refused to open his eyes.

            “What?” Dean asked running his hand back over Cas’s neck and into that soft black nest of crazy hair.

            “Have you been drinking?” Cas asked hesitantly.

            “One beer. I promise.” Dean smiled shyly as Cas finally looked up.

            “I…I won’t survive another drunken mistake Dean.” Cas said in a small voice that tore at Dean’s heart.

            “It wasn’t a mistake Cas.” Dean assured him and then leaned in to whisper against his ear “And I wasn’t that drunk.”

            “Thank god.” Cas turned his head and captured Dean’s lips again. This time there was no pulling back, no stopping and no hesitation. Dean showed Cas just how much he had missed him over ten years and when they finally lay in bed exhausted but smiling he reached across the few centimeters of space between them and took Cas’s hand in his.

            “I want more too.” Dean admitted.


	31. Born Yesterday by Hollerado

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a direct sequel to Chapter 28 Into The Heart Of The Wild by Japandroids

 

**WARNING: lots of smut**

            “I can’t believe you actually dragged me half way across the country to see Cas.” Sam grumped to his brother who was looking through the crowd in search of his part time…boyfriend? Lover? Fuck Buddy? Whatever. All Dean knew was that in the two years that he and Cas had been meeting up when their paths met across country was the best damn thing he had ever had. He had opened up to the singer like no one else and in return Cas had showed the real him to Dean.

            “Deal with it bitch.” Dean said offhandedly. When he saw Gabriel and Balthazar chatting over a drink he beelined for the men.

            “Hey Dean-o!” Gabe greeted the green eyed young man and then gave the most lecherous smirk possible to Sam.       

            “Cool it Gabriel, still straight.” Sam rolled his eyes and tried to hide behind his much shorter brother.

            “Some day Samoose, some day.” Gabriel sighed and placed his hand over his heart. Now that Sam had reached the age of consent the little drummer was relentless in his flirting.

            “I assume you’re looking for our glorious leader.” Balthazar said ignoring the pathetic show being put on by his friend. By now they had all become quite good friends and Dean knew that the British snark hid a lot of intelligence and sincerity.

            “Yeah.” Dean nodded and Balthazar pointed him to the small hallway passing the bathrooms.

            “Still getting his hair perfect.” Alfie said coming in close to their group and speaking for once. He was tall and silent and Dean thought he would be perfectly in place in a library instead of seedy dive bars.

            “Thanks Alfie.” Dean said and abandoned his brother without a second thought. Sam sighed as Gabriel sidled up close as soon as the older Winchester was out of sight.

            Dean didn’t hesitate to enter the small room that he assumed was a dressing area for the featured band. It was typical of all watering holes in its wood and aged furniture but the man sitting in front of the mirror was the only thing Dean really saw.

            Castiel was beautiful, as beautiful as Dean remembered. He was pierced, tattooed, dyed and clad in a mix of leather, denim and dark cotton. His hair was a little longer then Dean remembered, instead of the mohawk he was originally sported his hair was more natural now, still spiked on top of his head but in a natural way instead of with tons of hair product. The blue was growing out and just graced the tips of his black hair and Dean thought it looked damn good.

            “Hello Dean.” Cas’s deep rumbled greeted Dean the same way it always did. And that deep rumble went straight to Dean’s crotch, the same way as it always did.

            “Hey Cas.” Dean said with a lopsided grin before shutting and locking the door.

            “Wasn’t sure if you’d make it tonight.” Cas said standing and pining Dean with his intense blue stare.

            “Me either. Took a lot of fast talking to get Dad to let me go off on my own again so soon.” Dean admitted. He was still standing against the door like he was scared to get any closer.

            “But you’re good at fast talking aren’t you Dean?” Cas smirked his own sultry smile. Then Dean was crossing the room and planting a deep desperate kiss against those perfect lips.

            Cas’s tongue found its way into Dean’s mouth as they grabbed at each other desperately. Clothes was being tossed to the floor with no regard for what might be on the floor already. Soon enough Cas had Dean straddled over his lap on the dilapidated couch and Dean was moaning in need.

            “Missed you so damn much baby.” Cas rumbled against Dean’s throat as Dean reached down to stroke him roughly.

            “Missed you too Cas, need you so much.” Dean said breathlessly and rutted himself against Cas.

            “Want you Dean.” Cas panted as he reached back to tease at Dean’s hole. Dean pressed back against Cas’s fingers and shivered in anticipation.

            “Lube, in my pocket.” Dean replied and then huffed as he remembered this his pants were half way across the room though.

            “Gotcha covered babe.” Cas grinned as held up a little travel packet of lube with a wink.

            “Did I ever tell you that you’re perfect?” Dean sighed happily watching Cas rip open the packet with his teeth before slathering his fingers in the lube.

            “All the time.” Cas smirked. Then there was no more talking, Cas’s fingers entering Dean and prepping him quickly and expertly. Dean writhed on top of Cas’s long and strong fingers until he couldn’t take it any more.

            “Now Cas, please.” He begged. He flushed at the tone of his words, Dean Winchester didn’t beg…anyone for anything. Cas didn’t hesitate to give him what he needed thought and in seconds he was pushing up against Dean. Moans filled the air as Dean seated himself on Cas’s cock and took his time to adjust to the welcome burn.

            “Fuck…” Cas groaned against Dean’s chest as he lay his head there and waited for Dean to feel comfortable.

            “Yes please.” Dean replied and lifted himself up an inch or two. Pulling Cas into a filthy kiss he dropped himself back down.

            “DEAN!” Cas cried out as his entire body tensed with pleasure. He reached up to sink one hand into Dean’s short brown hair and gripped it tightly. Dean groaned and rode Cas hard and fast. Each time he dropped back onto Cas’s length Cas pushed up against him and hit that magical spot inside of him. It didn’t take long for either of them to reach the edge.

            “Going to come Cas.” Dean panted as he sank his blunt nails into the birds on Cas’s shoulders.

            “Fuck yes.” He panted back almost there himself. He loved to know that Dean would go first though, it made it so much sweeter when he came himself.

            “Cas...Cas…Cas…fuck Cas…CASTIEL!” Dean shouted as he painted Cas’s chest with rope after rope of come. His hole clenched around Cas tightly and immediately Cas was shouting Dean’s name and filling him.

            “Holy fuck, how does it keep getting better?” Dean said breathlessly as he slumped against Cas on the couch. His entire body was covered in sweat and he felt flush.

            “Because we only see each other every couple of months.” Cas chuckled wrapped Dean in his arms while trying to catch his breath.

            “Which sucks.” Dean complained still unwilling to move.

            “Royally.” Cas agreed. He reached over the side of the couch and came up with one of Dean’s shirts and cleaned them up enough so that Dean could snuggle into him. Not that Dean would ever call it cuddling. Even if they were laid on the sofa side by side and so close together that Cas had Dean’s hair in his mouth and nose.

            “Hey, is this new?” Dean asked as they lay still wrapped up in each other. He ran his finger along a tattoo that he didn’t remember seeing the last time they had been together.

            “Uh, yeah.” Cas sounded almost embarrassed.

            “What does it mean?” Dean asked knowing it was Enochian but still not having taken the time to learn the language he didn’t know what it said.

            “Dean.” Cas said quietly.

            “What?” Dean asked looking up at him with a soft smile on his face. God, Cas would never get over how fucking beautiful the Winchester was.

            “No, that’s what it says, Dean.” Cas explained. He watched Dean nervously for his reaction.

            “You tattooed my name on you?” Dean asked looking back down at the symbol with new awe.

            “You’re a part of me now.” Cas said trying to gauge Dean’s reaction. He could take this either really well or really bad.

            Dean lay there quietly. This was…big….huge! Cas had gotten something permanent with his name on it…on his fucking skin!

            “Dean, don’t freak out.” Cas said pulling his chin up so he could look into the green depths.

            “I…well, I kind of am.” Dean admitted. He felt Cas tense against him.

            “Cas…I love you.” Dean said and he watched Cas’s eyes grow big. The blue was still crazy brilliant but it was the joy Dean saw in those depths that made his mouth slid into a smile.

            “You do?” Cas asked him and Dean blushed.

            “Well, yeah. And you know I hate all this chick flick shit so can we just move on?” Dean said dropped his head to Cas’s chest and kissing his symbol. He pushed off of the sofa and searched for his pants.

            Strong arms wrapped around his middle and he was pulled against Cas’s chest.

            “I love you too Dean.” Cas whispered in Dean’s ear. The tension that Dean didn’t realize he was holding drained out of him and he turned in Cas’s arms to kiss him tenderly.

            “I really have to tell my Dad.” Dean sighed and laid his forehead against Cas’s.

            “I can be there if you want me to.” Cas offered.

            “I…I think I’d like that.” Dean gave him a small smile. Then there was some pounding on the door.

            “Alright pull on your pants, its show time Cas.” Gabriel called through the door and Dean chuckled as Cas rolled his eyes.

            “Coming Gabriel.” Cas called back.

            “Too much information little bro, too much information.” Gabe called back and Cas actually blushed.

            “Will you be here after the show?” Cas asked as they began to get dressed. His hair was now sex mussed instead of styled but Dean stopped him when he tried to fix it.

            “I’ve got three whole days before Dad expects to see us again.” Dean told him and damn that felt good.

            “Awesome.” Cas smiled and pecked Dean on the lips before unlocking the door and walking out to the stage.

            “And here they are folks, Heaven’s Rebellion!” was the introduction as Cas and his bandmates took the stage. Dean found Sam at the bar and joined him with only a grin at Sam’s comment on his appearance.

            “Hey guys, I’ve got something new to start with tonight and I hope you all enjoy it. I wrote it for a certain someone in my life and I’m very happy to play it for him tonight. Let’s go!” Cas rambled on and them the guitar riffs were hard and heavy. When Castiel put his mouth to the mic Dean found himself being held in a soul capturing blue stare.

_I had my head_

_Kicked in by a wild love_

_And it drained_

_The colour out of my blood_

_I'd smell her sweat_

_On every man that I'd see_

_And I'd wake up sick from drugging myself to sleep_

_But you make me feel_

_Like I was born yesterday_

_Like I've never been broken_

_Never been broken._

_You make me feel_

_Like I was born yesterday_

_Like I've never been broken_

_Never been broken._

_I was jagged glass_

_Deep underwater_

_Till I washed up_

_Soft on your shore_

_Your healing eyes_

_Shine like Orion_

_And I am the first human to look upwards in the night_

_You make me feel_

_Like I was born yesterday_

_Like I've never been broken_

_Never been broken._

_You make me feel_

_Like I was born yesterday_

_Like I've never been broken_

_Never been broken._

_Oh don't let go_

_I won't let go_

_So don't let go_

_You make me feel_

_Like I was born yesterday_

_Like I've never been broken_

_Never been broken._

As Dean listened to Cas’s voice, smokey and full of gravel, come across the air of some out of the way bar he knew his life was never going to be the same again. Cas had some how managed to get beneath the deep layer of steel he had wrapped himself in when he was 4 years old watching a monster destroy his life. He loved the completely selfless, completely open, completely unique singer on the stage but he loved the quiet, reserved and shyly funny man who he knew Cas to be too. Dean Winchester was incredibly and irrevocably in love.

“You’re going to have to tell Dad.” Sam’s voice cut through Dean’s reverie.

“Yeah, I really am.” Dean agreed but as Cas’s voice trailed off at the end of the song, not a love song by any traditional sense but a love song none the less, the thought of telling his ultra conservative, macho manly man of a father that he was hopelessly in love with a tattooed, pierced male singer of a punk band didn’t seem so scary. With Cas there with him there wasn’t anything Dean couldn’t do.

 Dean didn’t say any of this out loud of course, but as Sam watched the smile creep onto his big brother’s face he knew that Dean was a goner. He looked up at Cas, the strange quiet man who had changed Dean for the better and sighed. All in all he could have done a lot worse for a brother in law.


	32. Kill The Lights by The Glorious Sons

**Kill The Lights by The Glorious Sons**

_Kill the lights and put your nightdress on_

_Have a last cigarette and leave one out for the morn'_  
Kill the lights, babe I'm too damn tired  
We can't fuck tonight, I'm workin' double tomorrow

_Kill the lights and baby right this wrong!_

_We got married and I don't remember_  
I just kind of surrendered  
Because I didn't want the summer to end  
Her Daddy had some money that he could lend us  
So she took me to Paris  
To try and make me a renaissance man

 _We were young bloods searching for something_  
Spent youth on the dream of love  
We were too close  
seeing it coming  
Now we're running from the things  
That we were dreaming of

 _Kill the lights and put your nightdress on Have a last cigarette and leave one out for the morn'_  
Kill the lights, babe I'm too damn tired  
We can't fuck tonight, I'm workin' double tomorrow

 _Kill the lights and let it kill the fire I'm comin' undone. I'm not even here when I'm not gone_  
Kill the lights and baby shoot that gun  
Kill the lights and baby right this wrong!

 _We woke up and the summer had ended_  
Yeah the band went cold  
And everything was falling down  
We spent so much of our time pretending  
Now we're together alone  
Yeah so it goes

 _We were young bloods searching for something_  
Spent youth on the dream of love  
We were too close  
Seeing it coming  
now we were running from the things  
that we were dreaming of

_Kill the lights and put your nightdress on_

_Have a last cigarette and leave one out for the morn'_  
Kill the lights, babe I'm too damn tired  
We can't fuck tonight, I'm workin' double tomorrow

 

“Long day babe?” Lisa asked as she crawled in to bed and Dean flicked off the tv for the night. Her long dark hair was down and flowing across her creamy shoulders but even that did little to perk Dean’s interest.

            “Very. And another tomorrow. Double shift.” Dean sighed reaching over to turn off his lamp. Lisa hesitated in the bed next to him and then she turned off her own light as well.

            “Seems like you’ve been getting a lot of those lately.” She commented turning over to face him. He stared into her dark eyes in the almost non existent lighting and as usual his heart remained unaffected in his chest. He sighed and tried not to let his unhappiness show.

            “Yeah, but its good for our bank account.” He said trying to move past his own awkwardness. And it was all his, Lisa was as normal as ever. Happy to have him here and living the normal life he had always wanted. Sure they had jumped in to getting married pretty fast, but Sam had wanted Dean to live a normal life so a normal life he was living. And if he still saw brilliant blue eyes when he closed his own green ones at night who was to say he had to let anyone but himself know?

            “Life isn’t all about money Dean.” Lisa said in her ‘mom’ voice. Dean rolled over on to his back and as he expected Lisa followed, snuggling in to his side and trailing her finger across his ribs.

            “I know.” He said not wanting to start this argument again. A normal life for Dean meant no longer using stolen and fake credit cards to buy the necessities. He had to chip in on the bills around here, pay for groceries, help out with Ben’s sports expenses. The money that Lisa’s parents had leant them for their honeymoon was still waiting to be paid back and it ate at Dean’s conscious every time he saw them.

            Lisa didn’t say anything else, instead letting her hand trail down Dean’s abs and slip into his boxers. She grabbed his soft cock and Dean tensed. Normally he could do this, he could give this to her. He could make her moan his name in the darkness and tighten around him when she came but not tonight. Tonight he couldn’t pretend.

            “We can’t Lis, not tonight. I’ve got a long day ahead of me tomorrow and I need all the sleep I can get.” He said grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her hand away from him. Lisa let out a huff but didn’t try and convince him otherwise.

            “Are you happy Dean?” she instead asked as he rolled on to his side away from her. Fuck, there was that stupid fucking question again!

            “Of course I am Lis, I’m just tired that’s all.” He said shutting his eyes and hoping she’d just let it drop. He really did have a long day tomorrow.

            “Alright Dean, if you say so. Goodnight, love you.” She said placing a chaste kiss on his shoulder and then rolling on to her own side. Dean lay there still and tense until he heard her breathing even out. Then he slipped out of bed and went into the backyard.

            He took a long pull of the beer in his hand and sank to the grass. It was a beautiful night, the moon bright and full with no clouds to block its shine. A night like this would mean that the monsters would be wild. But that wasn’t his concern any more. Not since Sammy…

            Dean pushed the thoughts of his brother out of his mind. It wasn’t hard, he was used to doing it by now. Three long years had made him good at pushing stuff away. Three long years with no Sam, no monsters, no angels…no angel…

            “Fuck.” Dean moaned as he let the beer fall from his hand. He couldn’t pretend, not here tonight, not by himself. He let the tears fall as he wished for his old life, wished for his brother, wished for his angel.

            “Where are you Cas?” Dean said into the night air. He had said his name only a handful of times since the angel had disappeared right after his brother. His entire existence for a while was just NOT thinking about what he had lost. About who he had lost. In his own mind he had come to acknowledge the idea that his feelings for Cas went beyond friendship. The angel had awoken feelings in him that he had wanted to stay buried for the rest of his life. But with one simple sentence (I am an Angel of the Lord) he had felt his attraction to the goofy winged bastard flare to life and spending time with him preventing the Apocalypse had only turned that mild attraction into deep seated love. Which had made it hurt even more when he had just up and disappeared once Sam was gone.

            Dean sighed and wiped the tears away from his face. He didn’t know why he was surprised, everyone left him in the end. His mother had left because she loved his father more then she thought she could love her sons. His father had left because he couldn’t handle the lose of his mother. Sammy left, more then once, even if it was for good reasons. And then of course Castiel left, off to do Heaven’s bidding once again more then likely. To find some other more righteous soul to protect and nurture.

            “Castiel, Angel of the Lord and…” Dean hesitated even though he was saying the words in barely more then a whisper “love of my life.” He finished. There, he had said it. He loved Cas. He loved him more then he loved Lisa, more then he loved anyone he had ever been with. More then he would ever love another. Dean sighed and reached down to pick up his spilled beer. But he dropped it again as soon as he raised his head.

            “Hello Dean.”


	33. Could Have Been Me by The Struts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not really sure where this would fit in to the story line of the actual show but this takes place when Cas is newly human...so insert it where you see fit lol

**Could Have Been Me by The Struts**

_Don't wanna live as an untold story  
Rather go out in a blaze of glory  
I can't hear you, I don't fear you  
I'll live now 'cause the bad die last  
Dodging bullets with your broken past  
I can't hear you, I don't fear you now_

_Wrapped in your regret  
What a waste of blood and sweat  
Oh oh oh_

_I wanna taste love and pain  
Wanna feel pride and shame  
I don't wanna take my time  
Don't wanna waste one line  
I wanna live better days  
Never look back and say  
Could have been me  
It could have been me  
Yeah_

_Don't wanna live as an unsung melody  
I'd rather listen to the silence telling me  
I can't hear you, I won't fear you  
Don't wanna wake up on a monday morning  
The thought of work's getting my skin crawling  
I can't fear you, I don't hear you now_

_Wrapped in your regret  
What a waste of blood and sweat  
Oh oh oh_

_I wanna taste love and pain  
Wanna feel pride and shame  
I don't wanna take my time  
Don't wanna waste one line  
I wanna live better days  
Never look back and say  
Could have been me  
It could have been me  
Yeah_

_Hey  
I wanna taste love and pain  
Wanna feel pride and shame  
Don't wanna take my time (No)  
Don't wanna waste one line (Hey Hey)  
Wanna live better days (Just better)  
Never look back and say  
Could have been me_

            Human…Castiel was human. He was a human in a human body with human needs and human feelings. And the only thing that human Castiel wanted was Dean Winchester.

            But he couldn’t have Dean. Not as an angel and certainly not as a human. As a human Castiel had nothing to offer the hunter. No powers, no wings, no time travel, no healing powers…just nothing. But that didn’t stop the desire he felt. Which was why he had to leave.    

            “You can’t just leave man, you don’t know how to be human.” Dean scoffed as he sipped on a beer and shot his brother a smirk.

            “Then I can learn.” Castiel said as his anger began to rise. Yet another thing he had to learn to control.

            “Cas come on. Where are you going to go? What are you going to do? You don’t exactly have money or even a real identity.” Sam tried to talk reason into the former angel.

            “I’m sure I can get something Samuel. There are plenty of illegal immigrants in this country to manage to do it.”

            “Yeah, but they have skills Cas. You don’t.” Dean scoffed again.

            “Fuck you Dean.” Cas said finally giving in to his rising anger. How dare these…mud monkeys, talk down to him like this! No skills? He’d show him no skills!

            Cas turned and stalked off down the hallway, his feet stomping heavily on the concrete floor. He was seething in rage. His breath was ragged, his heart was pounding and he felt hot.

            He slammed his bedroom door open and then slammed it closed behind himself. He grabbed the duffel that Dean had leant him and started to shove the meagre belongings the Winchesters had also given him into the bag. As he packed he started to deflate from his anger. They were right weren’t they? He didn’t have any skills, no valuable experience to offer any employer. He barely knew how to keep his body alive. He needed constant reminders to eat, found himself using the toilet WAY more then he ever thought humans needed to, and every morning when he awoke he gasped awake not remembering that he needed to sleep and therefore wasn’t dead. He was useless.

            “Cas?” Sam’s voice came through the door and Cas stiffened. Of course Sam would be the one to come looking for him. Sam was the one who would think of Cas’s feelings, not his hissy fit. Dean was probably sitting in his room sipping more beer and wondering if the angel was PMSing, what ever that was.

            “I’m fine Sam.” Cas responded through the door but didn’t move to open it. He began placing toiletries in a little plastic bag.

            “No you’re not. I’m sorry if we upset you Cas, its just we worry about you.” Sam said. Rolling his eyes Cas crossed to the door and opened it to see a giant sad Winchester.

            “I’m sorry for snapping at you Sam. But I have made up my mind and I’m leaving.” Cas said going back to his packing. Sam came in to the room but didn’t make a move to sit.

            “Can I ask why Cas? I mean, are we doing anything to make you leave?” Sam asked.

            “Of course not Sam. You two have done so much for me, you have my eternal thanks. But I can’t live off of your charity forever. Its time I became a real human.” Cas explained. Finally Sam crossed to the bed and sat down. Cas moved so that his back was to the door as he opened his dresser drawers to pull out the rest of his clothes. His hand fell to the worn AC/DC shirt Dean had given him to sleep in.

            “I need to experience life as a human Sam. I need to feel…things. I need to do something that I can take pride in, work that will contribute to society. I can’t just stay here.” Cas sighed in defeat. He left the shirt in his drawer, knowing that if he took it it would always draw him back to Dean.

            “Is there…another reason?” Sam asked and Cas cursed his over observance.

            “Yes.” Cas replied hoping to leave it at that. He slammed the drawer shut with his hip.

            “Cas…”Sam began.

            “No Sam, please. I just can’t do it any more. I can’t stay here in this bunker with him. I…I’m not strong enough.” Cas said hoping his absolute desperation didn’t come through in his voice.

            “Maybe you don’t need to be strong. Maybe you just need to be honest…”

            “No Sam. Please don’t ask me to do that.” Cas cut him off. “I might not be an angel any more but I am still a being of worth. I won’t stay here pining away after a man who has more than zero interest in me. I deserve better than that Sam. I want to feel love, and pain and pride and shame and all of the things that make being human so amazing. I need to feel these things Sam.” Cas said in a rush. “I need to know someone can see me for more then what I was.”

            “Cas…Castiel.” Dean’s voice came from the door and Cas dropped the clothes in his hands. His eyes widened and he looked at Sam, who was watching him carefully.

            “Dean…” Cas spun around terrified of what Dean’s face would show him. Would he demand that Castiel leave right this instant, take his borrowed things and go? Or would he try to be nice and let him down gently with a speech about how he wasn’t attracted to him _that_ way? Or maybe he’d punch him? That seemed the more likely option.

            “How long?” Dean asked him with no judgement in his tone. Instead Cas thought he heard…longing?

            “Since I first touched your soul in Hell.” Cas breathed out. Sam stood up and laid his hand gently on the former angel’s shoulder.

            “I’m going to take a run in to town, stock up on some supplies.” Sam said passing his brother with the same gentle touch to the shoulder.

            “I think we have a lot to talk about Cas.” Dean said coming in to the room and standing dangerously close to him. Cas looked up into green eyes that haunted him in his dreams.

            “But first…” Dean said and abruptly reached around Cas’s neck and pulled him in for a deep and surprising kiss. When he pulled back Cas was gaping at him wide eyed.

            “I’ve wanted to do that since I first saw you in the barn, all righteous anger and cool determination. I’ve always seen you Cas, and never for what you were but _who_ you were. And who you are.” Dean said looking into Cas’s blue gaze. “I’ve watched you become more, and I’ve only fallen further and further in love.”

            “Dean…” Cas gasped as he heard the words he had always wanted from Dean come tumbling from those perfectly pouty lips. With no idea how to handle what he was feeling he instead pushed himself against Dean once again and kissed him desperately. This time though, he didn’t pull back and he didn’t waste time wishing for what he thought he could never have. This time he used every bit of his angelic knowledge to show Dean Winchester just how much he was loved.


	34. Medicated by Louden Swain

**Medicated by Louden Swain**

 

It had been a hard day. The Croats were extra aggressive and they had lost more good people. Supplies were getting harder and harder to find and they were having to go further and further from camp to secure them. Chuck sighed to himself as he dug around his little tent for some thing that he hadn’t used in years.

“There you are you beauty.” He said happily pulling the old acoustic guitar out from in under his bed. The strings were still strong and even though Chuck hadn’t played in months he had no doubt this was exactly what they needed tonight. So he slung the instrument across his back and headed to find Cas.

“Hey there Cas, I’m going to get a little fire going and maybe strum a few chords. Care to join me?” Chuck asked the former Angel of the Lord who was having a rare moment of clarity and sobriety.

“You just want me to bring the pot.” Cas smirked but he didn’t look upset.

“I think we might need some after this day.” Chuck replied with his own smirk. Sure he didn’t medicate on a daily basis like a lot of the others here in camp but there were times he enjoyed the mellow from good pot.

Cas agreed to join him, and bring the joints, so they gathered on the edge of camp, gathered some dry wood and started a small camp fire. Unconsciously they both made sure they were far away from Dean’s cabin in case he heard them and went off on someone having a little enjoyment.

“Hey guys, having a fire?” one of the random survivors asked passing by. Chuck nodded his head and soon others began to join them around the fire. Cas passed out the weed, Chuck tended the fire and when full dark finally hit they had a pleasant little buzz going through the circle. Then Chuck pulled out his guitar and started to play.

_Pavement can caress_

_The treads of my distress_

_Grip onto the cow that_

_Is my seat and speed the plow_

_Your words were gentle oh_

_Reflected in my window I knew_

_You Would be the kind of girl_

_That I could talk to_

_And you seem like your kinda strange_

_Why can't you be a little less insane_

_I may be crazy at least I'm medicated_

            Chuck’s voice was low and felt like a soft carress in the darkness. Cas began to join him for the last few lines and everyone joined in the for last sentence. Chuck had forgotten the rest of the song so he just sang this part over and over again until the entire crowed was singing the final line at the top of their lungs. People were smiling, smoking and for the first time in months actually enjoying something in this world.

            Chuck knew the moment Dean saw them all. He tensed but didn’t stop playing his silly song. When Cas let the joint skip him in the circle he knew he had seen him too. Now they just waited for Dean to come lecture them about being loud and drawing Croats to the camp.

            But Dean didn’t. Actually he didn’t move from the shadows at all. He just stood there in the dark watching the little band of rag tag survivors trying to gather some comfort from a world that gave none. Chuck let his song trail off into the night and everyone quieted down again.

            “Hey Chuck, you know any Metallica?” one of his friends asked which earned him a laugh.

            “Yeah, sure Nate.” Chuck grinned and started strumming the guitar again. When he looked up from the strings he saw Cas walking away from the fire in the direction of Dean. He didn’t know what was going on with those two but he sure hoped they gave each other at least a little comfort. The world had gone to hell, without his help or his hindrance. This was only one possible outcome to decisions the Winchesters would make and it was miles away from the happiest one. But Dean needed to see it, although his reaction wouldn’t be what Zachariah was hoping for.

            _‘Father? I need you Father? Why won’t you answer me God?’_ came a prayer across time and dimensions. Chuck sighed. Time to stop playing prophet and get back to work.


	35. Feels Like Summer by Wheezer

_Climbing up the tower_  
Just a boy and his computer  
I'm still in my bathrobe  
Hiding in the shadows  
I'm not used to losing  
Bye, bye, sugar blue eyes  
Go home with the angels  
Thank you for being so kind  
  
I'm holding on and I don't want to let you go  
  
Yeah it feels like summer  
Yeah it feels like summer to me  
Yeah it feels like summer  
Yeah it feels like summer to me  
And she was a lover to me, to me, to me, to me

            “Its probably just some kids gone up there to sneak a toke Sam, please tell me why you couldn’t go up there yourself?” Dean sighed as his younger but much taller brother lead him to a rarely used doorway in the large University library.

            “Because, Dean, I do believe that uniform you’re wearing AND the badge makes this exactly the kind of thing that YOU have to deal with, not me.” Sam gave him an epic bitch face and Dean sighed again.

            “I only took this stupid campus security job so I could stay here in the summer with YOU Sammy, don’t go all diva on me now.” Dean replied with a glare.

            “Just do your job Dean, it could be some homeless person or some crackhead off his gourd.” Sam pointed out unlocking the door and stepping back.

            “Fine, but if I’m not back in a half hour call the real cops.” Dean squared his shoulders and pushed open the door to enter in to a dark hallway. He pulled out his flashlight and cautiously walked down the hall until he hit a metal ladder. Cursing Sam once again he put the light in between his teeth and started climbing up the ladder to the rarely used and frequently forgotten bell tower on the library.

            ‘Why the hell do they even call it a bell tower any more? The bell was taken out decades ago.’ Dean grumbled in his own head as he climbed higher and higher. As he climbed he started to hear some faint music getting louder and louder. Dean thought he recognized some of it but he couldn’t be sure.

            At the last rung of the ladder he paused. Ok, time to psych himself up just in case Sammy was right and it was hopped up crackhead who could turn violent. He put his flashlight away and took out the compact night stick that was his only allowable weapon. But really, someone high on bath salts wouldn’t be deterred by a long stick would they? Dean squared his shoulders and pushed himself into the open space…and froze.

            In all honestly he had expected…anything…besides what he was faced with. A crackhead, some horny teens having some intense make out session, even some frat kids spray painting graffiti would have been all in his acceptable and expected parameters. But this…this was not.

            In the far left corner of the room was a man in a bathrobe who was calmly painting a large white canvas while dancing to a Wheezer song. On the floor was a laptop, open and the source of the music Dean was hearing. But he couldn’t see anything of the guy except his short grey bathrobe (the kind Dean had only ever seen in Victoria Secret catalogues, never on a man) with long tan muscled legs and hips that swayed to the music. Black crazy bed head stood on his head and he was humming to the music in a deep baritone.

            “Uhhhhhh…” Dean managed to get out and the man gasped and turned around quickly to look at Dean with very wide, very blue eyes.

            “Dean?” the man asked and Dean finally registered who he was talking to.

            “Castiel? What the hell man?!” Dean blurted out unable to stop himself from letting his eyes wander down Cas’s naked, and toned, chest and what looked like boxers scattered with…bumblebees?

            “Uh, hello Dean.” Cas said turning a deep shade of pink and grabbing the sides of his robe to cover himself.

            “Man, Sam sent me up here half convinced I was going to be tackling a homeless crackhead and instead I find you…what are you doing exactly?” Dean asked the man he sorta, kinda knew as the younger brother of one of the guys Sam worked with. Well to be honest he more then knew Cas, he had a tentative friendship with the guy through get togethers with Sam and Grabriel.

            “Sam sent you up here? Why would he…” Cas trailed off and then glanced back at the canvas he had been working on.

            “I uh, needed better lighting to work on my final project for my art class. I wanted to do it somewhere private where no one would disturb me so Sam suggested I use the bell tower. Maybe he forgot he gave me the extra key?” Cas mused while Dean was slowly banging his head against the far brick wall.

            “Dean…Dean are you ok?” Cas asked with concern in his voice. Dean sighed and pushed away from the wall.

            “Looks like we’ve been set up Cas.” He said and Cas saw him blushing a nice pink as well.

            “What do you mean set up?” Cas asked him with a squint of his eyes and tilt of his head. Damn his adorableness Dean thought.

            “Uh, well, see….I kinda, sorta…in a moment of weakness…told Sammy…” Dean was stuttering and blushing and Cas was looking at him all curious and confused and Dean finally just drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

            “I like you Cas, have for a while and I made the mistake of telling my stupid moose of a brother and I guess he thought the only way I’d do something about it was to corner us.” Dean said all in a rush of breath.

            “You like me?” Cas asked. Dean blushed even harder and nodded before looking down at his shoes.

            “Ever since Gabe held that New Year’s party.” Dean admitted. He heard shuffling and then Cas’s slippered (bee slippers for fuck’s sake) feet were in his eye sight.

            “Why didn’t you ever ask me out Dean? I would have said yes.” Cas’s voice was soft and when Dean’s eyed jolted up he saw a soft smile on Cas’s face.        

            “Yeah?” Dean practically whispered.

            “Of course Dean. I think you’re very attractive, and very sweet.” Cas assured him. Instead of responding some sappy shit Dean surged forward and kissed Cas quickly. In the surprise Cas stumbled back but quickly rushed forward to return the kiss a second later. It was a long time before either of them came back down from the bell tower.

 

            “You think those two idiots have figured us out yet?” Gabriel said between gulps of his giant Slushee. Sam rolled his eyes at his co-worker’s sugar addiction.

            “Probably.” He replied.

            “Did you remember to lock the door so they can’t get out?” Gabe asked and Sam nodded.

            “They aren’t getting out until they resolve some of that stupid sexual tension they got going on. I swear if I have to sit through one more movie night of eye fucking I’ll drown myself.” Sam said morosely.

            “Ah come on Sam-moose, they are our brother’s after all. It was for the greater good.” Gabe grinned.

            “I’ll remember to point that out when I have to sleep on your couch because of their bedroom antics.” Sam scowled at the smaller man.

            “Oh Sammy, what makes you think I’d make you sleep on the couch?” Gabriel grinned and Sam rolled his eyes but blushed.


	36. Honey Bee by Louden Swain

**Honey Bee by Louden Swain**

 

_You woke up_

_Even with the nightlight on_

_You're seeing shadows in the break of dawn_

_You called out_

_Deep inside a dream of my own_

_It was a nightmare I was all alone_

_There was not a little ballerina_

_Dancing for no one besides herself_

_You buzz_

_Around me like_

_A honey bee_

_The world_

_Brand new_

_Awaits you_

_Wait for me…_

_Fill the cup_

_Water always does the trick_

_Seal the lid and let you cry with it_

_You grown up_

_I wrestle with it every day_

_But you will always be my girl this way_

_I know there was a time before you_

_But for the life of me I can't recall_

_You bound_

_Around me_

_Always fancy free_

_The world_

_Brand new_

_Awaits you_

_Wait for me…_

_Ask me why_

_There's pain and there's lies_

_Don't always have the answer but I'm happy to try_

_Ask me how_

_There's you and there's now_

_I'll share it with you soon as I can figure it out_

_Hang on my love_

_Times running out_

_Cherish the day that's what life is about_

_So ask me what_

_Song I should sing_

_I’ll hum it just to hear you ask anything_

_There you are_

_Smiling in the same old way_

            “Nervous?” Sam asked putting his hand on his brother’s shoulder while Dean was fidgeting with his tie for the millionth time. For some reason the stupid thing just wasn’t sitting right.

            “Nah Sammy, you know I’m cool as a cucumber.” He croaked out.

            “Right, because that’s totally something you would say.” Sam chuckled and Dean glared at him.

            “Sammy…help.” Dean pleaded with his brother. Sam took pity on him and reached out to straighten the green tie that Cas had picked out to match Dean’s eyes.

            “I know its no use to tell you that there’s no need to be nervous. You guys love each other and as long as you remember what’s important then you’ll get through today.” Sam said seriously.

            “I know.” Dean sighed. Finally Sam was done with his tie and he turned Dean around to look in the mirror.

            “I mean come on Dean, look at that sexy beast.” Sam smirked and Dean let out a much needed laugh.

            “You’re right Sam, I mean I’m a catch.” Dean gave his brother one of his panty dropping grins and Sam rolled his eyes.

            “Guys, its time.” Jody poked her head in the curtain and notified the Winchesters. “Looking sharp Dean.” She said and then was gone again to her post.

            “Alright brother, you ready?” Sam asked the suddenly even more nervous Dean.

            “Let’s do this!” Dean squared his shoulders and let his younger brother lead him from the tent.

            Dean tried to take his time to look around at the venue. Cas had worked hard at this after all. But even though they were in the middle of a grassy field Dean couldn’t see anything but the altar where Jody was standing and smiling at him.

            “You’re doing great Dean.” Jody reassured him as he took his place in front of her and Sam stood beside him.

            “Thanks Jody.” He tried to smile but it came across as kind of watery. His eyes wandered and he saw the few people they had included in today scattered across the grass either standing or sitting on picnic blankets. That had also been Cas’s idea and Dean thought it was great. Nice and relaxing. If only he could have gotten Cas to budge on his suit and tie rule.

            Before Dean could take in more than the people and the few flowers scattered here and there some low music started to play. Dean stood up straight as Cas appeared out of his own little tent. The normally rumpled looking angel was now in a shining white suit with his beloved blue tie. Dean’s breath actually left his body at the sight.

            Cas was spectacular. He looked happy and relaxed as he made his way down the aisle with Claire behind him as his maid of honor. She might have been naked for all Dean could tell you, all he had eyes for was his angel. And Cas was staring right back at him.

            By the time the angel made his way to the altar to join Dean the Winchester was completely enraptured with the man he loved. He knew Cas was the beautiful creature on the planet but seeing him now made Dean love him even more.

            “Are we ready to start guys?” Jody interrupted Dean’s reverie and they both blushed.

            “Yeah, lets do this.” Dean said in almost a whisper. Cas reached out and took his hands in his and Jody began the ceremony.

            Any bride or groom will tell you that they can’t remember a word of the wedding ceremony, they are too enthralled with their significant other and tend to only speak when they’re prompted. But Dean didn’t do that. He remembered every heartfelt word Jody said and he remembered how Cas positively glowed as they got closer and closer to their vows. At Dean’s insistence they had gone for standard vows but he found himself wishing he could have written down how exactly he felt about Castiel, the angel who had not only rescued him from Hell but had made him live again. Then again he thought if he had to try to put his feelings into words it would be sad and pale in comparison to the actual thing. So he just repeated the standard and hoped that Cas knew he meant every word. Cas’s eyes were big and blue and honest while he was reciting his own vows and Dean found his eyes blurring with tears. But he fought them, he wasn’t going to be the one to cry dammit!

            When it was time to kiss his husband Jody barely got the words out of her mouth before Dean surged forward and captured Cas’s lips with his own. He heard Sammy chuckle and Claire sigh in disgust but he didn’t care. He was kissing his husband.

            “And now, I am very proud to present to you Mr & Mr Winchester!” Jody announced as Dean and Cas turned to the applause of their friends. It was beautiful and Dean felt happier then he had in years.

            Later, after some mingling and finger foods Sam announced it was time for the grooms to have their first dance. The grass was soft underneath their feet as Dean wrapped his arm around Cas’s waist and Cas blushed.

            “I knew I should have insisted on dance lessons.” Cas grumbled as he felt his feet shuffling around the grass.

            “It don’t matter Cas, just look at me.” Dean said leading his husband around in a relaxed circle. It wasn’t a complicated dance by any means, little more then them swaying together but it was nice.

            Suddenly the tinny sound of their wedding song coming from Sam’s ipod stopped and the air was filled with the tinkling of a guitar. Dean and Cas looked around and were shocked to see a small stage appear in the middle of the field. Even more shocking was the face of Chuck the prophet strumming the guitar and then lifting his face to start singing. Dean didn’t know the song, but he didn’t think Cas was actually paying attention to it either. There were words about love, bumble bees and ballerinas.

            “Father?” Cas said as the same time Dean said “God?”

            Then they noticed the others. Their little clearing in the grass began to fill with people that had been long gone in both Dean and Castiel’s life. Dean saw his mother and father dancing to their right, Charlie and Kevin a little farther away, Hannah and Inias on their left, Bobby and Ellen ahead, Jo and Ash back more. And there in the corner was Jessica, beautiful in a flowing white dress reaching her hand out to Sam.

            “What…” Dean sputtered but then Cas was moving him again to the simple tune that Chuck was singing softly into the air.

            “Its our wedding gift Dean.” Cas said with wonder in his voice. His eyes were definitely teary and Dean reached in to wipe them away.

            “This is…” Dean looked around again, his eyes landing on his mother and father, dancing together and smiling with joy like he remembered when he was a kid. His heart skipped in his chest and it was only Cas’s hand in his that held him together.

            “Perfect.” Cas finished his sentence and Dean nodded. They laid their foreheads together and swayed to the music.

           

_“Cause maybe it's your wedding day I see it_

_Clear as I can see your face_

_There's someone who steals your heart away_

_But you will always be my ballerina_

_Dancing like we only have ourselves_

_And you fly_

_Around me_

_Swaying next to me_

_The world/Brand new/Awaits you_

_Wait for me… Wait for me.”_

            Chuck finished his song and with his godly power he let the accompanying guitar continue on as he watched the floor filled with dancing couples. There were smiles and tears and so much love that he smiled to himself. Life was hard on his creations, but this, this was what he could give his son on the most important day of his existence. It had been a long hard road but now Castiel was happy and he had the love he so thoroughly deserved.

            ‘And he saw that it was good and he smiled’ came the childish voice of his most cherished archangel in his ear.

            ‘I said you could come Gabriel, but you had to be quiet.’ He replied without speaking.

            ‘But I’ve never been the most obedient have I Dad?’ Gabriel grinned watching the wedding dance. He couldn’t be seen but he didn’t need to be. He just needed to see that his beloved brother was happy.

            ‘He looks happy doesn’t he?’ God asked his son and Gabriel, for once in his long existence, looked at his father seriously.

            ‘Yes, he does.’ He replied. Then they stood there in silence as they let the love flow over the small grassy meadow in the middle of no where that suddenly had become one of the most holy places on earth


	37. Baby by The Glorious Sons

_Oh, baby I'm a peaceful mind_  
I go crazy when you change my plan  
I know that you don't approve  
We don't look by all around you, no!  
You always got somewhere to be,  
Oh, darling don't you bring it in me  
I'm so tired of your champagne scene  
They speak of love but they never bleed, no!  
Ooooo ooooh oooooh  
She won't go, no  
Ooooo ooooh oooooh  
She won't go, no  
Ooooo ooooh oooooh  
She won't go, no  
Ooooo ooooh oooooh  
She won't go, no  
Oh baby  
Yeah baby  
Oh baby  
Yeah baby  
Oh baby  
Yeah baby

The sun was setting and Dean sighed happily. The warm summer wind was whipping by his open window and the smell of crops was heavily in the dusk air. This was his happy place, his one true love. He ran his hand lovingly along the worn circle of the wheel while his other hand drifted out the open window.

He knew every inch of this car, had rebuilt it from the ground up once and had fixed it back from beyond repair countless others. Every flat tire, every busted window, spark plug, carburetor, cylinder, tail pipe, muffler, shock and strut on his Baby he had lovingly replaced or repaired.

People looked, people judged, people scoffed but this was his Baby. The only place he could ever call home. He could close his eyes and see his and Sammy’s initials carved into the back, hell he could even remember the feel of John’s hand across his backside when he had seen it done. But it didn’t matter how much trouble it had caused, that was their mark on her. Now and forever she would be his. Even Sam didn’t appreciate just how special she was.

Most people looked at the sleek black exterior and saw an old fashioned, gas guzzling, steel framed monster from the past but little did they know this car had saved Dean’s life more than once. She had become his home, his wife, his mistress and his lover. No one would ever be able to compare to the way he felt when he sat in her broken in leather seat and turned that key. The deep rumble of her engine settled into his bones as much as his own heartbeat.

The trunk was a think of beauty and magic to Dean even as he grew older and started to know what all the dark and dangerous things Dad hunted were. The devil’s trap and other wardings were so ingrained in Dean’s mind that he didn’t even have to think before tracing them against the wheel with his finger. Thinking of the trunk he wondered absently if it was time to give it a thorough cleaning again. After all the grenade launcher was out so that left some space where things were rattling around. Thinking of rattling made Dean pick up on the small rattle that came from his air vents, a sound that he had gotten so accustomed to that he barely heard it any more.

Because it wasn’t only Dean who had grown attached to his Baby. Sam had practically grown up in the damn thing. Travelling across this country multiple times with either Dad or Dean driving, the big black car had been Sam’s safe place. He had slept in the back seat, learned to read in the same back seat. He had worshipped both his father and then his big brother watching them over the bench seat in the front. When Dean had let him drive it for the first time, at only 10 and very much on the sly because John would have whooped him something fierce for risking his car, Sam had never smiled so big before. He stupid hair and his long lanky frame barely fit in the car any more but Dean knew that when he looked over he would see the single most important person in his life right there next to him.

A long time ago when John had handed Dean the keys for the sleek Chevy Dean had gotten a notion of doing the same with his own son some day. Those dreams were gone now, left behind with Lisa and Ben. Now he knew that when he bit the bullet Sam would take the car. And probably do something stupid to her like his stupid iPod jack that Dean still grew angry when he thought about. But he was ok with that. He wanted Sam to take his legacy, the one thing he had to leave behind to be remembered by, and let her live some more. Maybe one day he could pass the keys to HIS kid and tell him stories about Uncle Dean and the adventures he had in the car. With some heavy editing of course. Dean had no illusions that he would be the first of the Winchesters to go. Sam had a future, Sam needed a future. He’d find some nice girl and settled down, get out of the life and see the far end of 60, something unheard of in the hunter world.

Cutting of his morbid thoughts Dean reached over to flick on his stereo. Classic rock poured heavy out of the speakers and Dean smiled. Sure he wasn’t as into the music so much as he was the memories they aroused, but this was another part of his Baby. And he did enjoy the face that popped up in the front of his mind as soon as Led Zepplin cut through the silence.

A certain angel had also fallen in love with his Baby. Popping up in the backseat and watching the country pass by through the windows. Castiel had seen every inch of the planet but there was something about the way he watched the highway fly by that made Dean think that maybe he had never seen it the same way as that. Without his wings Cas had been forced to get to know the backseat probably more then he would have liked but he never complained. His far away gaze and easy smile always warmed Dean’s heart. Yet another reason to love his Baby.

Breaking him out of his reminiscence Dean’s cell phone rang on the dash. Sighing he turned down the music and reached up to see who it was. Speak of the devil…

“Hey Cas, what’s up? Nah man, not busy, just took Baby out for a spin.”


	38. Dream by Imagine Dragons

_In the dark_  
And I'm right on the middle mark  
I'm just in the tier of everything that rides below the surface  
And I watch from a distance seventeen  
And I'm short of the others' dreams of being golden and on top  
It's not what you painted in my head  
There's so much there instead of all the colors that I saw  
We all are living in a dream,  
But life ain't what it seems  
Oh everything's a mess  
And all these sorrows I have seen  
They lead me to believe  
That everything's a mess  
But I wanna dream  
I wanna dream  
Leave me to dream  
In the eyes  
Of a teenage crystallized  
Oh the prettiest of lights that hang the hallways of the home  
And the cries from the strangers out at night  
They don't keep us up at night  
We have the curtains drawn and closed  
We all are living in a dream,  
But life ain't what it seems  
Oh everything's a mess  
And all these sorrows I have seen  
They lead me to believe  
That everything's a mess  
But I wanna dream  
I wanna dream  
Leave me to dream  
I know all your reasons  
To keep me from seeing  
Everything is actually a mess  
But now I am leaving  
All of us were only dreaming  
Everything is actually a mess  
We all are living in a dream  
But life ain't what it seems  
Oh everything's a mess  
And all these sorrows I have seen  
They lead me to believe  
That everything's a mess  
But I wanna dream  
I wanna dream  
Leave me to dream  
I wanna dream  
I wanna dream  
Leave me to dream

Castiel had no problem admitting that when it came to human emotion he had no idea what he was doing. He could understand anger, loyalty, laughter…but he just couldn’t wrap his head around the vast encompassing emotion of love. He knew he loved Sam but it was the same love he felt for his sibling angels if not a little stronger because Sam was an amazing example of human determination. He knew he loved Mary but it was a familial love, more like he loved her because the boys did. But Dean…Castiel loved Dean Winchester like he never knew he could love another being.

When he looked at Dean he saw a soul shining so bright that he got lost in the ever shifting hues of pureness he saw. He saw the strong man who had given himself to Hell to save his brother, the man who had thrown his own wants and dreams to the side to become the hunter the world needed. He saw the pain and worry Dean carried on his shoulders day in and day out. He saw the green eyes that shimmered with mirth but that hid an intelligence and desire so deep they were endless.

            So Castiel knew about love. He loved Dean and he knew Dean loved him. But this, being taken so utterly and completely after the mess they had just endured was something the angel had no idea how to handle.

            The world was ending again. Another mess made by the angels and their fighting that would bring the world to the brink of disaster. And just like every other mess Heaven made the Winchesters were left to clean it up. Tonight they had taken the first step in that process and it had been a costly one. So Castiel had been expecting Dean to lash out, start a fight with him just to work off some hostility. Instead as soon as the motel room door closed Castiel had found himself pushed against the heavy wooden door with a mouthful of Dean.

            Cas kissed the love of his eternal life back with just as much passion as he always felt when Dean kissed him. Their lips moved in synchronicity, each sweep of their tongues and gasped breath in complete rhythm. Dean pawed at his trench coat until it lay on the floor in a forgotten pile and his tie and suit jacket soon joined. It seemed that Dean couldn’t get his hands on Castiel’s bare skin fast enough and even when Cas tried to help it wasn’t enough. Finally Cas gave in and used his grace to get them naked in a blink. Dean didn’t even pause as he kissed his way down Cas’s neck and latched on to his collar bone to suck a dark mark that would last days. If Castiel chose not to heal it which of course he wouldn’t. While Cas moaned deeply and fisted his hands in Dean’s short hair Dean sank to his knees in front of him.

            “Dean…” Cas breathed out as with no preamble or teasing Dean pulled him into his mouth immediately. Cas gave a shout of surprise and his head thudded back against the door. Dean didn’t stop, didn’t even hesitate, in his ministrations. Soon Cas’s unnecessary breaths were heaving in his chest and he knew he was close.

            “Dean, stop…” he begged and in response Dean just pulled him deeper in to his throat and swallowed. The feeling of the muscles clenching around him had Cas emptying into Dean’s mouth with a yell.

            But he didn’t get a second to enjoy his afterglow. Dean pushed to his feet and kissed him again, roughly shoving his tongue back into Cas’s mouth so that the angel tasted his own release. He threw his arms around Dean’s neck as Dean urged him to wrap his legs around his waist.

            “Bed, now.” Dean demanded and Cas, with more than a little surprise, flew them so that he landed with Dean over him. Dean continued his kissing and his hands explored the soft angel skin. He kissed his way down his body, nibbling at his hip bones before gently pushing his knees up and apart so that Cas was spread out before him. And even though he was an angel he still flushed with embarrassment every time Dean did this.

            “Such a modest angel.” Dean chuckled kissing the inside of his thighs and earning an interested twitch from Cas’s already hardening cock. Before Cas could respond to that Dean was swiping his tongue across him. Cas arched his back with surprise and let out an uncontrollable groan. Dean continued to lave at him with his tongue until Cas was a writhing begging mess on the bed. Dean had never been this overbearing before with sex. Sure he was the one with experience so therefore he was the one who always led the way but tonight was different, he wasn’t taking his time or watching his angel come undone. He was almost frantic in his movements.

            “Dean…please…” Cas begged for something he wasn’t sure what. But Dean did. He slipped a finger into him along side of his tongue and Cas screamed in pleasure. He fisted the sheets and heard the fabric tear under his fingers. He threw his head back and closed his eyes as the sensation of Dean’s work roughened hands over took him. He panted, he moaned, he begged. But Dean didn’t stop until he was up to three fingers. When he pulled himself out of Cas’s body and lay over him Cas was glassy eyed with desire.

            With no words, just the deep green of his eyes to look in to, Dean shoved himself inside Cas’s well prepared body. He held himself up with one elbow while the other reached back to lift Cas’s leg in to a better angle. Castiel couldn’t stop himself from whimpering at the sensation of Dean inside of him. He reached up and pulled him down for a kiss while Dean moved deeper inside. Each flex of his hip, each shove and pull had Cas digging his nails into the meat of Dean’s shoulders.

            Sex was always good with Dean. More than good, it was always fantastic. But this…this was different, Dean was different. He watched Castiel like he was afraid of forgetting what his face would look like in the throes of passion. He barely blinked as Cas writhed in under him. He rode his body with such vigor it wasn’t long before Castiel was throwing his head back and screaming out his pleasure again at coming untouched. Dean thrust in to him a few more times and then he was letting out his own yell and shoving himself deeper in to the angel. Cas expected him to pull out, flop down next to him and grin like he usually did, but not this time.

Instead he let his hold on Cas’s leg go and reached up to stroke along the stubbled cheek of the angel. Cas felt something shift, some of the desperation was changing into softness. Dean slowed his thrusts so that he was gently moving on top of Cas.

            “Dean?” Cas asked looking into his eyes for answers. Instead he just saw a silent begging.

            “I can’t Cas, I can’t loose you too. Promise me I won’t loose you.” Dean begged him in barely a whisper. Cas brought his hands up to cup Dean’s strong jaw.

            “Heaven, Hell, Purgatory and all the monsters, angels, demons, gods and devils in between couldn’t take me away from you Dean.” Cas assured his hunter. Dean closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Cas’s chin. The angel felt the first hot wet tear drip down his neck and then Dean was shuddering over him.

            Cas held him, maneuvered their bodies so that Dean was no longer inside of him but instead curled into his lap. With just a little grace he brought his large ebony wings into sight and curled them around Dean. The hunter continued to cry, his entire body shaking with grief so Cas just held him. Held him and hummed old Enochian lullabies that hadn’t been heard by the ears of mankind in thousands of years.


	39. Come Down by The Glorious Sons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> teen AU

_Hey baby, it ain't that late_  
We can get breakfast if you stay awake  
We got your daddy's credit card  
C'mon let's get high  
Don't give up now, for God's sakes  
I ain't sleeping when we're breaking on the edge of a date  
Don't you want to make this feeling last a while  
You got the money, and I've got the heart  
I know a guy that delivers to these parts  
So don't you come down on me  
Don't you come down on me  
Don't you come down on me, tonight  
One more for the road, kid  
Let's go down to the water and get out of our heads  
Standing by the shore, you can hear the lake breathe  
The feeling takes you hostage  
Rushing from your heart into the palm of my hands  
We can make this little prison city feel free  
You got the money, and I've got the heart  
I know a guy that delivers to these parts  
So don't you come down on me  
Don't you come down on me  
Don't you come down on me, tonight  
We're gonna be just fine  
The sun's going down on the city again  
Don't it look lonely  
I don't wanna feel lonely  
There you go fading on the edge of the bed  
Lookin' so lonely  
I don't wanna feel lonely  
So don't you come down on me  
Don't you come down on me  
You got the money, and I've got the heart  
I know a guy that delivers to these parts  
So don't you come down on me  
Don't you come down on me  
Don't you come down on me, tonight  
We're gonna be just fine

 

            “Cas? Come on Cas, don’t fall asleep on me yet man.” Dean chuckled while he watched his boyfriend’s head dip towards his chest. Suddenly he forced his beautiful blue eyes open and gave Dean a smirk.

            “Of course not Dean. We finally got the house to ourselves for a weekend, I don’t plan on sleeping for 48 hours.” He said but he yawned half way through the sentence which made Dean laugh again.

            “I can’t believe your parents left you not only the house but their credit card. I can’t imagine John ever doing anything like that for me.” Dean mused while he finished rolling up their last joint. It was 4 AM on a Sunday morning and the beer they had drank was long out of their system. Cas had commented on how he hated the taste of beer so Dean had suggested they try weed instead. He wouldn’t ever admit how much of a thrill he got getting his straight laced boyfriend to do “bad” things. Although using the word straight and Cas in the same sentence was almost blasphemy.

            “Yeah well my parents wouldn’t ever dream their darling little future doctor would ever do anything like this.” Cas said a little bitterly as Dean lit up the joint and passed it to him.

            “They still on your case about that? Haven’t you told them you don’t want to be a doctor?” Dean asked pulling Cas close against his side and wrapping his arm around his shoulder.

            “I say things but they don’t hear me.” Cas sighed exhaling a cloud of smoke

            “One more year baby, then we can both get out of here. Never look back.” Dean took his own deep puff.

            “What about Sam? I know my brothers won’t miss me in the slightest, except maybe Gabriel, where ever he is.” He was trailing his finger up and down Dean’s thigh lazily.

            “Sam is smart. He’ll be alright as long as Ellen looks out for him like she promises. John is gone more often than not these days so that’s a plus.” Dean gave a little half smile thinking of his genius baby brother.

            “Tell me again where we’re going Dean?” Cas sighed and laid his head back on Dean’s shoulder. Dean saw the expanse of long tanned skin and just had to give it one quick little kiss.

            “Colorado baby, we’re going to go to Colorado and we’re going to live in the mountains. I can get a job as a mechanic and I’m sure as hell you can get some scholarships to do whatever the hell you really want to do.” Dean talked dreamily. They might only be 17 but both boys knew that the love they had found in each other was the kind that lasted a life time.

            “A cabin in the mountains…sounds nice.” Cas sighed happily again. His voice was so deep and slurred that Dean had to look over at him to make sure he was still awake.

            “Just you and me…” Dean agreed sneaking some more kisses on Cas’s neck. The hand on Dean’s leg tightened and Cas let out a deep moan.

            “You were right Dean, I like this much more than drinking.” Cas almost giggled when Dean nipped at his ear.

            “Weed is legal in Colorado Cas.” Dean pointed out and Cas smiled lazily.

            “That’s great.” He was trailing off again.

            “Cas, come on baby, lets get in bed. I’ll set my alarm so I can be gone before your parents get back.” Dean said nudging at Cas’s shoulder until Cas groaned and reluctantly moved.

            “I don’t want to sleep.” Cas complained as Dean helped him undress. He was always surprised every time he saw him naked. Never once in the past three years of knowing Cas had Dean ever suspected that the loose shirts and skinny jeans would encase a body made of sleek muscle and tanned skin. Being a swimmer did wonders for Cas’s body and Dean loved it. He knew working at cars had given him a lot of his own bulky muscles but there was something so alluring to Cas’s lithe body. The fact that Cas’s shy nature hid his incredibly quick and so very fucking dirty mind was a bonus.

            “You’re staring again Mr. Winchester.” Cas gave Dean a secret little smirk. He knew just how much Dean loved every inch of his body and he made sure to use that against the other boy as much as possible. It was how he had convinced the formerly straight as an arrow punk to give in to him in the first place.

            “I’m allowed.” Dean replied before pulling off his own clothes. Now it was Cas’s turn to drink in the body before him. Dean was tanned, muscled and tattooed. Which Cas had discovered hit some very surprising kink boxes for him. His soft plush lips were smirking at him when he finally trailed his eyes up to his face.

            “Think you got one more round in you Cas? We’ve rode each other pretty hard this weekend.” Dean teased him while wrapped his arms around Cas’s trim waist and pulling him against his body.

            “For you? Always baby.” Cas replied and trailed his fingers up into the sandy blonde hair at the nape of Dean’s neck. The slightly taller Dean hissed as Cas tugged him head back to kiss along his throat. He felt Dean’s fingers dig into his hips where there were already bruises from earlier in the day.

            “I don’t know if I can handle actual sex Cas, I’m sore. You got to be too. But I think we can manage something.” Dean whispered into Cas’s lips as Cas came up his chin to kiss him deeply. His tongue rolled against Dean’s and soon the two boys were laid down on the blankets rutting against each other.

            Dean laid himself over his boyfriend, making sure to line their cocks up so they were sliding against each other wetly. Cas for his part was panting and begging against Dean’s skin. That was something else Dean loved about Cas, he didn’t hold back on his pleasure at all. If he wanted to make noise then he made noise. It helped Dean to know just how much he was enjoying it.

            “Fuck Dean.” Cas breathed out and Dean’s cock hardened even more at the rare curse from the more reserved boy.

            “Yeah baby, me too.” Dean agreed as he pushed down against him. Their dicks were wet and sliding so well together but Dean wanted more. He braced himself up on one elbow and reached between them to take them both into his hand. Cas gasped as the calluses on Dean’s hands, built up over years of being under the hoods of cars, stroked along his length and over the head. Cas arched his back and dug his nails into Dean’s back.

            “Fuck baby, you are so hot.” Dean said not taking his eyes off Cas’s face. All traces of alcohol and weed were out of his system now and he was crystal clear in his adoration of his lover.

            “Right there Dean, oh god!” Cas panted finally opening his eyes to lock with Dean’s. Blue and green didn’t move from the other as they panted and writhed against each other.

            “I love you Cas.” Dean breathed out and twisted his wrist just the way he knew they both liked.

            “I love you too Dean, so fucking much.” Cas replied reaching his own hand down to wrap them both along with Dean’s. The added pressure was just what both of them needed and with a sudden burst of white pleasure they covered Cas’s stomach with white.

            Dean had enough brain power left to not slump down right on top of Cas, and all that sticky mess, and instead flopped onto his side while trying to regain his breath.

            Cas seemed to recover slightly quicker and grabbed a tee shirt to clean them both up. Then he grabbed the thick blanket to pull over them both and they wrapped around each other like octopi. Cas buried his face in Dean’s neck and Dean laid a happy kiss in Cas’s dark mop of hair.

            “1 year Cas.” Dean said to him lovingly as their breath started to even out and sleep started to steal over them.

            “1 year baby.” Cas replied happily.


	40. Scream For Me by One Bad Son

_I need a hit_

_And your body’s it_

_I wanna get, get, get_

_Back to it_

_Let’s get out_

_Get out now_

_I wanna ditch this place_

_Like right now_

_You’re a ten_

_And I’m like wow_

_I’m gonna love it_

_When you get loud_

_Gonna shake the walls_

_Til your pictures fall_

_Scream for me_

_I don’t care what_

_Your neighbors say_

_Won’t make it off_

_The elevator anyway_

_Lets get out_

_Get out now_

_Scream for me!_

Three weeks…three long fucking weeks since they had touched each other, kissed each other, licked along tanned skin and lost themselves in the sensation of lips and fingers and…

“Dean, the door.” Cas panted against Dean’s lips as the elevator door opened exposing their very compromising position.

“Fuck the doors.” Dean replied working his fingers on Cas’s belt buckle. Why the hell did he always wear the biggest, heaviest buckles known to man?! He gave a silent exultation when he heard the tell tale snap of success.

“Anyone can see us Dean.” Cas said trying, not very hard, to get Dean’s fingers away from the zipper in his slacks.

“Fuck sakes Cas.” Dean let out an exasperated sigh and turned around just enough to hit the door buttons to get them closed and moving again. Cas took his chance and latched on to Dean’s neck where he sucked a deep mark. Dean moaned deeply and fisted his hands in Cas’s dark hair.

            “Baby…” he breathed out grinding his hips against Cas’s.

            “I missed you.” Cas told him bringing up those blue eyes to meet Dean’s green ones.

            “I missed you too.” Dean replied before pushing Cas against the wall of the elevators again. He kissed him sloppily, too caught up in getting his hand down his pants. Once his fingers wrapped around the hardness he was looking for Cas let out a purely pornographic moan.

            “That’s it baby, let go.” Dean urged him on. Cas now had his eyes squeezed shut and his head rested back against the shiny steel of the elevator walls. Behind them there was the ding of the doors again.

            “Oh!” came the shocked sound and Cas’s eyes flew open.

            “Dean!” he said scrambling to pull Dean’s hands from his pants. Dean growled, turned to see the face of some neighbor or another and then slammed the doors closed button. He didn’t let up on his stroking or his kissing when he turned back around.

            “Jesus Dean, we need to get home.” Cas panted even though his toes were curling in his dress shoes and his forehead was spotted with sweat. Dean wasn’t much better, his eyes were completely lust blown and his bottom lip was raw from chewing on it.

            “Can’t, need you baby.” Dean replied. He flailed one arm behind him until he hit the emergency stop button. Alarms blared and the lights flickered but he didn’t notice. Instead he grabbed Cas’s pants, pushed them off and quickly undid his own.

            “Dean, what are you doing?” Cas asked in surprise.

            “Hop up.” Dean said shoving his pants down enough to let loose his hard cock before grabbing the back of Cas’s thighs and lifting so he wrapped them around his waist.

            “Fuck!” Cas said as he felt Dean’s head nudge against his entrance.

            “That’s the plan.” Dean grinned against the long line of Cas’s throat as he sucked two fingers into his own mouth. He licked them until they were spit slicked and then he slid them into Cas. The dark haired man yelled out in a mix of pleasure and pain while Dean stretched him open quickly. Normally Dean would be taking his time but he was too needy, too desperate.

            “Ready?” he asked Cas while he fingered him, rubbing along his prostate to further excite the man.

            “Yes, god yes.” Cas panted and then he was screaming as Dean entered him in one quick motion.

            “Fuck baby, you’re tight!” Dean panted thrusting up into him.

            “Oh God Dean! Feels so good.” Cas curled two hands into Dean’s hair and pulled sharply. Dean growled again and thrust harder.

            “This is Maintenance, there appears to be some problem with the elevator, are you alright in there?” came a tinny voice from a speaker in the wall.

            “Dean!” Cas yelled as the taller man slammed in to him harder.

            “Missed you baby, missed you so fucking much.” Dean was mumbling against Cas’s throat.

            “Excuse me? Hello?” came the voice again.

            “Right there Dean. Oh fuck, right there!” Cas’s voice felt raw from screaming.

            “I repeat, is everything alright in there?!”

            “Fuck Cas, fuck!” Dean shouted as Cas’s muscles clamped down on him. He felt the warmth of Cas’s release against his stomach muscles and he kissed him, his tongue sliding along Cas’s hotly. Dean felt Cas’s nails sink into the flesh of his shoulders and he threw back his head with a yell, his release filling Cas up.

            “CAN YOU HEAR ME?!” the voice sounded a little panicked now and Dean huffed out a laugh as he let them slide to the floor.

            “UNLESS YOU ANSWER ME I WILL BE REQUIRED TO CONTACT THE POLICE!”

            “We’re fine Phil!” Dean called out while Cas chuckled in to Dean’s shoulder.

            “Jesus Winchester, what the hell is happening up there?” the voice was exasperated.

            “Cas just got back man.” Dean grinned as Cas flushed a deep crimson.

            “Oh for fuck’s sake…”

            “Sorry Phil, I’ll release the button now.” Cas was polite but his pants were still across the elevator.

            “Clean it up 302, now!” Phil said and then the voice was off and Dean and Cas were laughing so hard there were tears in their eyes.

            They cleaned up, using Dean’s underwear, redressed, and then restarted the elevator. Slowly they felt it slide up the floors and then the doors opened onto their hall.

            “We need to send Phil an apology card.” Cas said smiling but still blushing.

            “And the neighbors.” Dean said watching Cas unlock the front door. They walked inside and Cas dropped his over night bag on the floor.

            “The neighbors? Why?” Cas asked but before he could blink Dean had him pushed back against the door and was kissing him wildly again.

            “Because I’m going to make you scream for me baby. Shake the walls until the pictures fall. Tonight they’re all going to know my name.” Dean grinned and that was exactly how they ended up with their very first batch of noise complaints.


	41. Lover Under Fire by The Glorious Sons

_Darling,_  
I'm getting kind of tired  
Of being a lover,  
Under fire.  
And darling,  
Things will never get brighter  
If I remain,  
Under fire.  
And I,  
Am on my way.  
Will you help  
To keep my heart alive?  
Give me silence,  
And give me time.  
Give me a good thought,  
To fix my mind.  
I could be there,  
On your death bed  
To pass you over,  
When you are older,  
To burn your body,  
But I cannot remain,  
A lover under fire.  
And I,  
I wanna honor my name,  
Because time,  
Is an endless highway.  
And life,  
Daring, it just ain't.  
Would you lighten the silence  
In the dark that awaits?  
I could be there,  
On your death bed  
To pass you over,  
When you are older,  
To burn your body.  
I could pledge my allegiance   
To your heart and your blood.  
But I cannot remain,  
A lover under fire.  
I wanna die singing your favorite song,  
In an old abandoned church with the lights turned off.  
Smoking cigarettes 'til the fire starts,  
'Til there's nothing but a burnt cross and broken hearts.  
I wanna live in the shadows with him,  
Make him do the things I might have done  
Till you, can't get away from my kind of sin,  
There's nothing left to burn and nowhere to run.  
I could be there,  
On your death bed  
To pass you over,  
When you are older,  
To burn your body,  
I could pledge my allegiance,  
To your heart and your blood.  
But I cannot remain,  
A lover under fire.

            Castiel remembered vividly the last time he had seen the Winchesters. He had the memory seared into his brain and would revisit it often. Today, as he watched the funeral pyre in front of him he thought back to that time.

The angel hated this time of the evening. Well, early morning really. But the time between when Dean called him to sate his desire and the time when the Winchesters would rise for the morning. It was when he sat in the bed, still naked from his romp with the elder brother, and watch the lights from passing cars on the motel walls. Dean never told him he had to stay but Cas just felt wrong flying off after their trysts. He hated even more that he did have to leave before Sam came in to Dean’s room to find him there in his bed. He no longer questioned why Dean wanted his own room while they travelled but he certainly wasn’t as naïve as Dean hoped he was.

            So once again Castiel found himself with the thin sheet pooling in his nude lap, staring at the walls while Dean slept beside him. As usual Dean’s arm had flung out in search of the angel’s skin in the night. It always made Cas shiver at the contact. Like even though Dean would never admit in the light of day what was between them, in his sleep he always made sure Cas was close. It was one of the reasons he did stay.

            And when Dean started to whimper in his sleep he reached over to run his fingers through that light brown hair offering what little comfort he could against the nightmares of Hell. Some time Cas would even let himself tread in to the back of Dean’s mind of see what was troubling him specifically. But not tonight. Tonight Cas had his own demons to fight.

            As the sky outside lightened Castiel was debating with himself if he could keep doing this. Was Dean’s hidden affection worth the secrets he was keeping from Sam? Was it worth hiding from his brethren in Heaven? Was it worth the feelings of shame and self loathing that the mornings brought? Most mornings his answer would undoubtedly be yes. But not this morning.

            Cas knew the exact time of day in his bones, his angel grace pinpointing the exact location of the sun on the horizon. When he felt Sam stirring in the next room he quietly slipped from the bed and redressed in the blink of an eye. Dean rolled over and gave a sound of discomfort at the lose of body heat but didn’t wake up. Castiel caught himself watching the hunter’s relaxed face. He eyed every freckle, every laugh line, every crows foot…he etched it into his mind so he could remember it all.

            Because no, Castiel could not do this any more. He wouldn’t be Dean’s dirty little secret. He adored the hunter with all of his grace yet Dean deemed what they had shaming and something to be hidden. Uncomfortable with not only the notions of his own sexuality but the idea that he was wrong to love something not human. Therefore Castiel had to leave. With one last kiss to Dean’s sleep warmed skin he flew to Sam’s room where the younger Winchester was just exiting the bathroom.

            “Hey Cas, you’re on the go kinda early. Get something new about the case?” Sam greeted him cheerily.

            “No.” Cas answered him shortly. He watched as Sam pulled on his running shoes.

            “Ok…” Sam looked at him puzzled.

            “You need to look after Dean Sam. Promise me you’ll look after Dean.” Cas said and Sam straightened to look at him.

            “Why? What happened?” Sam asked.

            “I…I have to leave. I will miss you Sam. You are a good man.” Cas said and then flew off before saying more. It was the last time he saw either of the two men, even when they prayed to him in desperation and frustration.

            Oh those prayers. Dean’s started out as usual, teasing him to come back to his bed. Then they turned worried, wondering if the angel was alright or needed their help. Soon enough they turned angry, worded with digs at his loyalty and love for the human. Eventually though Dean’s last prayer was spoken in softer tones, saying good bye to the angel, wishing him well and apologizing for whatever it was that had driven him away. That was just short of ten years ago and now Castiel was performing the very last rites he could for the two men who had saved the world over and over again. He had flown to their sides as soon as he felt their souls leaving their bodies. He watched from afar as some other angel escorted them to their Heaven and then he had stepped to the ground to gather their bodies for burial.

            As Dean had predicted the only way out for a Winchester was in a blaze of glory. Spectacularly saving innocents even up to their last seconds. It was why they were going to Heaven instead of Hell like they had both predicted while alive. So Castiel took their bodies, cleaned them, wrapped them, built a pyre and in long standing hunter tradition burned them. As the flames burned high and the earthly remains of two larger than life beings were destroyed other beings came to say their good byes. First it was random angels who just so happened to not hate the Winchesters, a few monsters who had heard the tale of their passing. Even the King of Hell popped in long enough to place a hand on Castiel’s shoulder. No words were spoken to the angel until the fire had burned down and the wood collapsed.

            “You know you can go to him in Heaven brother.” Came the muted tone of an archangel and Castiel closed his eyes.

            “I abandoned him on earth Gabriel, I will not defile his afterlife.” Cas replied refusing to look at him.

            “Please Cas, let me tell them.” Gabriel’s voice pleaded with him but Castiel just shook his head.

            “You took my place as their angel on earth Gabriel and I am forever thankful for that. But we both know what its like to love a Winchester.” Cas finally opened his eyes to take in the shorter form of the multi winged angel.

            “He still loves you.”

            “It doesn’t matter.” Castiel used his grace to clear the site of the remains of the fire and they were bathed in darkness.

            “Why are you punishing yourself Castiel? He was the one who couldn’t love you the way you deserve.” Gabriel was angry now and with his anger came a soft golden light.

            “It doesn’t matter who made the mistakes brother, we both paid the price. I will spend the rest of eternity living with the consequences.” Castiel looked up at the stars he had always found peace observing. But tonight they seemed dull and cold. Shortly he would remove himself from the earth again and he prepared himself for the journey.

            “Where will you go?” Gabe was more observant than the others gave him credit for.

            “Somewhere quiet. Somewhere far.” Cas said. He turned to Gabriel and placed his hand on his shoulder. “Good bye brother.”

            “Good bye little brother, Angel of Thursday. May you find the peace you desire.” Gabriel said as he watched Cas exit his vessel and fly off into the universe.


	42. Bedroom Floor by Liam Payne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> totally not my kind of music, and I don't even like the song really, but I heard it on the radio and the chorus stuck with me :)

_You said it was over_  
You said it was over  
But your clothes say different on my bedroom floor  
You said it was over  
You said it was over  
But your clothes say different on my bedroom floor  
But your clothes say different on my bedroom floor  
But your clothes say different on my bedroom floor, yeah

            “Dammit.” Came the deep irritated grumble that had Dean waking up with a chuckle. He peeled open his deep green eyes to stare into some angry blue ones.

            “Morning Cas.” He said and the scowl he received in return had him smirking. He moved around so that he was perched on an elbow.

            “I…I…” Castiel stumbled for a reply which made Dean full on smile before leaning up and placing a quick kiss on his cheek.

            “Bacon? I know nothing cures my hangovers faster then bacon.” He said scooting away and out of the bed before Cas could take a swing at him for the kiss.

            “Dean…” Cas began an age old argument but when Dean looked back at him he saw his gaze was sweeping over the strong planes of Dean’s back and ass.

            “Some of your clothes are still in the drawer over there, I’ll get started on breakfast.” Dean said pulling on his own pants and heading in to his small kitchen.

            For a small campus close apartment Dean had lucked out by getting even this small cooking space. He hummed to himself as he quickly got out some bacon and eggs. Soon he would graduate a mechanical engineer and he would move out of the small apartment into something he could be proud to show his friends and family. Proud to share with…

            “You know I can’t stay Dean.” Cas’s voice was soft from the little eat in bar on the edge of the kitchen.

            “Sure you can Cas. Surely you remember my world famous hangover wraps?” Dean shot him a wink as he dug out some whole wheat wraps from his cupboard.

            “Dean…” came that same pleading tone. Dean put down the eggs with a little more force than necessary and hung his head to his chest.

            “I swore I would win you back Cas, and I won’t go back on it. So please…just let me do this.” Dean said refusing to look at the man on the stool.

            “You can’t just make me breakfast and expect me to just forgive…” Cas sounded angry now and Dean looked up.

            “I know.” He said stepping around the bar to stand in front of Castiel. The man’s dark hair was all over the place and Dean passed his hand through it tenderly. Cas let him for a second but then pushed him away.

            “You cheated on me Dean!” he shouted angrily. He stood up quickly and paced around the apartment.

            “And I swore I would spend the rest of my life making amends for my mistake.” Dean said yet again. It seemed like he had repeated this promise a thousand times.

            “And you think making me breakfast will do that? Am I so easy to please that some eggs will make up for you breaking my heart Dean?” Cas glared at him.

            “This is the tenth time I’ve made you eggs Cas.” Dean pointed out.

            “Ten times I’ve made a mistake.” Cas countered.

            “I only made one.” Dean said with a small grin but the absolute hatred that Cas sent his way made his face drop.

            “Its over Dean.” Cas said looking around for his coat. He remembered stumbling in to the apartment in the wee hours of the morning with his body wrapped around Dean’s so he knew it had to be here some where.

            “Cas…please.” Dean begged grabbing for his arm. Cas batted him away.

            “Get over it Dean, I don’t love you any more.” He hissed.

            “Your clothes all over my bedroom say differently.” Dean replied and Cas pulled back from him like he had been slapped. Tears were actually formed in his eyes and he blinked them back angrily.

            “I still have a weakness for you Dean. Of course I do. You were my first love, my first lover and my best friend.” He said and the tears escaped no matter how hard he fought them. Dean’s heart wrenched in his chest and he took a step forward without meaning to. Cas backed away until he hit the door.

            “I’ll send Gabe for my things.” He hurriedly fumbled for the knob and threw open the door.

            “I still love you Cas.” Dean was quick to say.

            “Leave me alone Dean.” Cas looked back over his shoulder and Dean whimpered at the absolute misery on his face. “If you love me like you claim then you’ll leave me alone.” He turned and rushed down the hallway before Dean could stop him.

            For a moment Dean just stood in his doorway but then, before his mind could talk him out of it, he dashed off down the hallway after the love of his life. He caught the elevator doors just as they were sliding closed and threw his arm in between them. Cas looked up at him in shock, his face still splotchy and red from crying.

            “Dean what are…” Cas began but Dean shoved his way in to the elevator. He grasped Cas’s face in his warm hands and drew him in for a deep longing kiss. He poured all of his love, all of his regret and all of his longing in to that one kiss and when he pulled back they were both panting.

            “I’m done waiting for you to make the move Cas. I made a mistake, a terrible horrible mistake. But I’ve apologized, and I’ve waited. Now I’m laying it out there for you. I love you Castiel Novak and I want to spend the rest of my life showing you that. I thought I needed to experience other things, open my eyes to the world beyond Lawrence but I was wrong. Everything I need in this life is right here, in front of me right now. So, what do you say Cas? Let me show you and the world how much I love you?” Dean’s green gaze held Cas’s blue in a steady stare while he spoke.

            “What…what are you asking of me Dean?” Cas’s voice was barely audible, but his hands shakily reached up to cup Dean’s against his face.

            “Marry me Cas.” Dean sighed closing his eyes and laying his forehead against Cas’s. A small gasp passed Cas’s lips.

            “Dean…” He breathed out. Dean tensed for the rejection he was sure was coming.

            “Yes Dean, yes.” Cas said, and Dean’s eyes flew open in surprise. Cas was smiling at him, tears again in his eyes. But this time they were happy tears and Dean felt his own well up in response.

            “I forgive you, I forgave you a while ago but…it hurt so much Dean. You have to promise me you’ll never ever do something like that again. Even if you have the urge you have to talk to me. You promise me that we’ll talk about everything and nothing no matter how small it is. I will do my best to be everything you need me to be. So yes Dean, I will marry you.” Cas said pressing quick kisses against every inch of Dean’s face he could reach.

            “Cas, baby…” Dean’s voice wavered, and he stopped Cas’s movements. “You already are everything I need. You are perfect. I’m the fuck up. But I’m your fuck up.” He held Cas’s gaze. With his declaration he pressed his lips to Cas’s soft plump ones. Cas wrapped his entire body around Dean and kissed him back passionately. Soon the kiss deepened, and Dean was pressing Cas back against the elevator walls.

            “Ahhhhh, cold!” Cas hissed, and Dean chuckled against his mouth.

            “Well you are wearing nothing but pants and a thin shirt.” He pointed out.

            “Fuck.” Cas turned a pretty shade of pink.

            “Come on baby, lets go back and I’ll make you those wraps I know you need.” Dean said stepping back and taking Cas’s hand in his own.

            “Let’s go home.” Cas said with a small smile as he curled himself around Dean’s arm. Finally, he felt whole again. Things weren’t perfect, there was still the elephant in the room that had to be talked about, but as long as they were together it would work.


	43. Stay, Stay, Stay by Taylor Swift

_I'm pretty sure we almost broke up last night._  
I threw my phone across the room at you.  
I was expecting some dramatic turn-away,  
But you stayed.  
This morning I said we should talk about it.  
'Cause I read you should never leave a fight unresolved.  
That's when you came in wearing a football helmet and said, "Okay, let's talk."  
And I said,  
Stay, stay, stay.  
I've been lovin' you for quite some time, time, time.  
You think that it's funny when I'm mad, mad, mad.  
But I think that it's best if we both stay.  
Before you I'd only dated self-indulgent takers,  
Who took all of their problems out on me.  
But you carry my groceries, and now I'm always laughin'.  
And I love you because you have given me no choice but to...  
Stay, stay, stay.  
You took the time to memorize me:  
My fears, my hopes, and dreams.  
I just like hangin' out with you all the time.  
All those times that you didn't leave;  
It's been occurring to me I'd like to hang out with you for my whole life.  
Stay.

 

            Cas woke up with his eyes still swollen and sticky from crying the night before. He ran his hand over his face and scrubbed at the stubble he really needed to shave. Sitting up he looked around for his phone to check the time but couldn’t find it anywhere. Suddenly he remembered the previous night and groaned in to his arms.

            “Morning.” Came a too cheerful voice as there was the sound of a coffee cup being placed on the bedside table.

            “Dean…” Cas looked up and into the eyes of his boyfriend.

            “Coffee.” Dean said with a nod and then plopped down on the bed next to Cas. He didn’t pull him close or wrap him in his arms and that made Cas remember the fight even more. Dean never held himself back.

“We need to talk Dean. You know I hate leaving things unfinished.” Cas sighed plucking up the coffee and blowing on it.  
            “Just a sec.” Dean got up off of the tiny dorm bed and went through the connecting bathroom to his own room. Cas watched the door curiously while he sipped on his coffee. Ahh, black just like Dean knew he needed it. Dean always got the little things right.

“OK let’s talk.” Dean said coming in to the room suddenly with his football helmet on his head and a sly smile on his face. Cas couldn’t help but let out the burst of laughter he knew Dean was hoping for and shook his head. He couldn’t wipe the smile off of his face as he placed his cup back on the nightstand.

Dean stood in the middle of the room, watching Cas fight his laughter but he wouldn’t start this day arguing. They had done enough of that last night and for no reason. Yeah, they got on each other’s nerves, they were 20-somethings in their first really serious relationship of course they would fight. But last night was the worst one in a while. Dean had honestly thought it was over at one point, the phone flying past his head was a fairly serious clue. But he wouldn’t let Cas go without a fight. He loved Cas with all of his being and even though Cas had had bad boyfriends in the past, he wouldn’t let his name be added to that list.

Cas suddenly pulled himself off of the bed and threw himself at Dean. They went down in a pile of limps and laughter as Cas wrapped Dean up in a fierce hug. Dean pulled up his helmet so he could plant a wet kiss on Cas’s pouty morning lips.

“I’m sorry Cas, I really am. I know I can be a jerk some times, I know I can overdo it on some things, and I know I can be a selfish dick when I want to get my own way. But I love you and I’ll try and stop myself from now on. I promise.” Dean placed his hands on Cas’s hips gently squeezing.

Cas seemed to be looking him over in consideration. His eyes were squinted in that adorable way Dean loved and his long delicate fingers were tracing the edge of Dean’s bottom lip. Finally he leaned forward to kiss Dean gently.

“Stay.”


	44. Broken by lovelytheband

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Sam met Jessica

_I like that you're broken_  
Broken like me  
Maybe that makes me a fool  
I like that you're lonely  
Lonely like me  
I could be lonely with you  
I met you late night, at a party  
Some trust fund baby's Brooklyn loft  
By the bathroom, you said let's talk  
But my confidence is wearing off  
These aren't my people  
These aren't my friends  
She grabbed my face and  
That's when she said  
I like that you're broken  
Broken like me  
Maybe that makes me a fool  
I like that you're lonely  
Lonely like me  
I could be lonely with you  
There's something tragic, but almost pure  
Think I could love you, but I'm not sure  
There's something wholesome, there's something sweet  
Tucked in your eyes that I'd love to meet  
These aren't my people  
These aren't my friends  
She grabbed my face and  
That's when she said  
I like that you're broken  
Broken like me  
Maybe that makes me a fool  
I like that you're lonely  
Lonely like me  
I could be lonely with you  
Life is not a love song that we like  
We're all broken pieces floating by  
Life is not a love song we can try  
To fix our broken pieces one at a time  
I like that you're broken

            Sam didn’t really know why he was here at this stupid party. His only friend had ditched him at the first bat of long eyelashes so here he was sulking by the bathroom with a warm beer in his hand. And to make the best of it said friend had driven him so he couldn’t even go home yet. So he sipped some more of his shitty beer.

            “Uh, dude…” some random guy said looking between Sam and the door to the bathroom.

            “Oh, sorry.” Sam hunched in on himself and moved away from the doors. He really, really wanted to leave. Why had he ever agreed to come to a party where he had nothing in common with the kids here? Sure he was in Stanford but he wasn’t a trust fund kid like the rest of the people here. His sweater was ragged and had a hole in the arm pit while all the other guys here wore designer tee shirts and khakis. His slightly shaggy hair wasn’t cut in the latest style and slicked up with enough hair gel to fill a drum. He felt dumb and so out of place. He suddenly wished very much that his big brother was here to help him out. Dean was always the social butterfly in these situations.

            “Hey there Chrysler, let’s talk.” A bright voice came from his elbow and he glanced down to see a spectacularly quirky girl looking up at him smiling brightly. Sam was completely thrown off his guard. Her hair was dyed every color of the rainbow and the short strands had been shoved in to pigtails on the top of her head. Her pale skin almost glowed if it wasn’t for the neon green tank top she wore over a pale purple tutu and black leggings. She had on bangles and a few necklaces that hung down her chest. Her makeup was just as vibrant but it seemed to match her perfectly.

            “Chrysler?” He managed to stumble out as she grabbed his arm and dragged him across the room to the fire escape.

            “Yeah, you’re tall.” She said leading him up the outside ladder.

            “Oh. Funny.” Sam gave a little grin before looking back down at the window they had come out of.

            “Worried someone will miss you?” she looked down over her shoulder at him. Sam eyed her bright red converse sneakers and shook his head.

            “My ride ran off with some girl.” He explained as he climbed higher.

            “Ugh, girls suck.” She said as she disappeared over the ledge. Sam followed her quickly and stopped when he saw the top of the building has been decorated into an outdoor garden. Figures, rich kids!

            “I dunno, I kinda like girls.” Sam smirked at her and she grinned back. She sat at a little wooden bench and patted the seat next to her. Sam glanced around but saw no one else up here.

            “I don’t bite, I swear.” She rolled her eyes at him.

            “Oh, right.” He said joining her and putting his elbows on his knees.

            “I’m Lincoln by the way.” She said holding out her hand for Sam to shake.

            “Sam.” He said “Lincoln? That’s an unusual name.”

            “I was born in the Lincoln Tunnel in good ol’ NY. Mom was a little spacey from the ordeal and by the time the paramedics showed up she was just mumbling things like Lincoln and Weehawken. I mean I would have probably preferred Jersey but you know.” She shrugged and chattered on. Sam had to admit he was mesmerized by her energy. She was absolutely radiant in her kookiness.

            “So what brings you to this shit hole party?” Same asked her before thinking maybe she had friends down there and trying to mutter out an apology.

            “My room mate has a boyfriend down there somewhere. I get invited to these things by association.” She was tapping her foot now while spinning some of her bangles.

            “I’m glad you got dragged here, I was about ready to jump out of that window.” Sam chuckled and Lincoln smiled at him.

            “I can’t blame you. It sucks to be the only normal one in a crowd of yuppies.” She laughed. It was a beautiful sound and Sam immediately wanted to make her do it again.

            “I don’t think anyone would mistake you for one of them yuppies.” Sam said flicking her tutu.

            “Hey man, I worked hard to put this together. You just can’t buy eclectic in a thrift store anymore.” She flapped her tutu and her bangles jingled musically.

            “I like it.” Sam told her. And he did, Lincoln certainly wasn’t like all the other girls he knew here.

            “Thanks Sam.” She smiled at him until she heard a loud chant of music come up from downstairs.

            “Oh my god Sam, this is my jam!” she said jumping up and starting to dance to the muffled tune. Sam watched absolutely entranced as she twirled and swung her arms to a song Sam had never heard before. The beat was odd, a little off, but it suited Lincoln perfectly.

            “Come on Sam, dance with me!” she said grabbing his arms and pulling him up. Sam’s first instinct was to shyly decline and sit back down again but then he realized that there was absolutely no one else up here besides the two of them. And Lincoln didn’t look like she cared how anyone danced. So Sam gave in to the music and danced with the bright girl in front of him. Fairy lights strung around the garden bounced off of Lincoln’s bangles and eyes and even her teeth where she was smiling widely. She reached out to grab Sam’s hands and they spun around wildly. Sam found himself laughing deeply for probably the first time in years.

            “I like you Sam.” Lincoln said as the song changed from an upbeat song to a slower more romantic tune. Sam pulled Lincoln in closer and found himself tempted to bend down and kiss her brightly colored lips.

            “I, uh…I like you too Lincoln.” Sam said beginning to dip his head.

            “What can I say, I recognize my own.” She replied happily.

            “Your own?” Sam asked pulling back up. Instantly he tensed.

            “I like that you're broken, broken like me. Maybe that makes me a fool. I like that you're lonely, lonely like me. I could be lonely with you.” Lincoln said in a sing song voice that sounded like the tune they had been dancing too previously.

            “I’m not broken.” Sam said instantly letting her go and stepping back.

            “We’re all broken Sam. There’s no shame in it. Everyone has secrets and history.” She said seriously for the first time since they had met.

            “You don’t know anything about me.” Sam said beginning to get upset. What the hell did she mean by him being broken? Could she tell how fucked up he was just by looking at him? See all the shit his Dad had put him and Dean through all because he couldn’t let go of his anger?

            “I’d like to.” Lincoln said reaching out to take his hand but he pulled it away.

            “Lincoln?” came a feminine voice from the ladder leading to the roof. Sam and Lincoln both looked over quickly. And that one look changed Sam’s like forever.

            “Oh hey. Sam, this is my room mate Jessica. Jess, Sam.”  


	45. High by Sir Sly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Endverse Au

_I've been smoking on the peace pipe_  
 _I've been wondering just what would peace be like_  
 _I've been staring into headlights_  
 _Swallow me whole, finding my peace of mind_  
 _I'm just trying to seize the moment_  
 _Trying to love the little things, even if they're hard to love_  
 _A monument to love unspoken_  
 _Carved into stone "Unwilling to come undone"_  
 _It feels good to be running from the devil_  
 _Another breath and I'm up another level_  
 _It feels good to be up above the clouds_  
 _It feels good for the first time in a long time now_  
 _I remember back in Oakland_  
 _I was lying there in rapture on the bathroom floor_  
 _Moving hotel to hotel_  
 _Out on the road, no idea really what's in store_  
 _Light it up just like a flashlight_  
 _Let it shine, let it rise just like a foreign sun_  
 _Turn it over and it's capsized_  
 _It's finally done, the battle's lost yet I feel I've won_  
 _It feels good to be running from the devil_  
 _Another breath and I'm up another level_  
 _It feels good to be up above the clouds_  
 _It feels good for the first time in a long time now_  
 _It feels good for the first time in a long time now_  
 _It feels good to be me_  
 _I'm high, staring at the ceiling_  
 _Sending my love, what a wonderful feeling_  
 _What comes next, I see a light_  
 _I'm along for the ride as I'm taking flight_  
 _I'm high, staring at the ceiling_  
 _Sending my love, what a wonderful feeling_  
 _What comes next, I see a light_  
 _I'm along for the ride as I'm taking flight_  
 _It feels good to be running from the devil_  
 _Another breath and I'm up another level_  
 _It feels good to be up above the clouds_  
 _It feels good for the first time in a long time now_  
 _It feels good for the first time in a long time to be me_  
 _It feels good for the first time in a while I'm free_  
 _I'm high, staring at the ceiling_  
 _Sending my love, what a wonderful feeling_  
 _What comes next, I see a light_  
 _I'm along for the ride as I'm taking flight_  
   
 Castiel, former Angel of the Lord, laid on his back smoking a joint while the world went on around him. He exhaled the white puffy smoke and let his mind drift.   
 He remembered the first time he had given in to his curiosity and smoked weed with a bunch of survivors in Oakland, just shortly after Sam had said yes to Lucifer. This was when the angels were closing up shop and he could feel his grace being restricted. Dean had left him behind in the motel with the survivors. It wasn't the last time would leave him behind but it would be the last time he was left as the sole baby sitter. When Dean had returned with some of his regular crew and found Cas on his back in the bathroom floor of the motel, he had been livid. Screaming at Cas how stupid he was to put not only himself but all these people in danger just to get high. And for the first time since he had met the Winchester he was able to shrug off the reprimand.  
 The second time it wasn't weed that the survivors shared but something called meth. Cas stared at the little crystals in the pipe one girl was burning and even though he could understand the danger of the chemical composition he really just wanted to stop thinking. Stop thinking, stop feeling...just stop. This time Dean yelled again, this time asking Cas if he wanted to die why didn't he just go and throw himself to the Croats. Cas gazed up the length of blue jeans and green military jacket and wondered if he really did want to die. He was a failing angel, his grace mere traces of what it had been. In the end he had shrugged and went back to the pipe.  
 There were many times after that. Weed, meth, oxy, a few mixes he had no idea of their total ingredients, but he chased the high anyways. Every time Dean berated him, lectured him on the importance of being alert and ready for anything. Cas hadn't been able to hold back his laughter at that. Dean glared at him angrily.  
 "Don't think you can lecture me on the importance of being ready to lead Dean Winchester. Between the two of us who was the one that commanded armies of angels in God's holy wars? Who was there to see the Lightbringer fall from Heaven. Who was tasked with bringing his army to Hell to rescuse one soul? The soul of a man who couldn't even do as he was told." Cas gasped out between deep laughter. He wiped at his eyes, the drugs doing their job of numbing the pain he felt to remember how glorious his past had been.  
 "Fuck you Cas." Dean had stormed out of the room leaving Cas to collapse on the shitty bed and pass out.  
 After that Dean didn't bother with the lectures. He would tell Cas what he needed from him and wait to see if it would actually be done. Some times Castiel even did them. It all depended on which drug passed his lips that day.  
 When Sam, or what used to be Sam, caught up to them in some random city Cas had been glaringly sober. No weed, no pills, nothing to cloud his angelic vision of the man he had once considered his brother. Not Lucifer but Sam. His breath hitched in his throat to see the once proud human being worn like a well tailored suit. He had frozen, unable to hide as the white suit passed through the crowd of Croats. Lucifer was smirking, knowing how little Castiel could do to defend himself against a fully powered archangel.   
 "He hasn't killed you yet little brother?" the cold voice of the devil passed over Sam's lips. Cas couldn't speak. He even let the gun he was holding drop from his fingertips.  
 "Why not do you think? You aren't of any use to him any more. No wings, no powers, no healing...what exactly does my brother's vessel keep you around for?" Lucifer whispered leaning in close to Cas's ear. A fine tremble was working its way through Cas's body when suddenly there was a gunshot and Lucifer backed away from him.  
 "Come on Cas, get your ass in gear!" he heard Dean's voice call from behind him and he obeyed on instinct. He turned and he ran, ran as hard as he could as far as he could all the while listening to the deep rumble of laughter from Lucifer. A shot could get his attention but it wouldn't stop him. Lucky for Cas he had bigger plans for the day then smiting one lowely left behind angel.  
 That encounter ended Cas's missions outside the encampment. Dean didn't talk to him, didn't demand to know how he had gotten himself caught out like that, barely even looked in his direction. So Cas grabbed the nearest pill bottle and lost himself again.  
 Months they endured like that. Dean and his crew would go scavenge for much needed supplies while Cas sat around high and chatting with survivors. They flocked to him once they knew who exactly he was. Or rather, who he had been. Questions about Heaven and God quickly turned in to requests for some of the mind numbing meds he kept. Castiel went from revered Angel to camp drug dealer. Except he didn't want payment for his wares, he just wanetd company.  
 The sex came naturally to them soon enough. Everyone wanted to feel something other than fear in this new world. Castiel included. The drugs helped pave the way to touches, kisses and eventually orgies. Cas's little cabin began to be known where one went to let their guard down just for a little while. There was no judgement in those walls. You could be who you wanted to be, be with who you wanted to be with. Men, women, they all sought comfort from each other. It wasn't long before word got back to their revered leader.  
 "Everyone out!" came the booming voice of their commander just as Castiel was passing out his newest round of drug before the orgy began. He sighed heavily as those inside hastened to flee Dean's wrath.   
 "What the hell do you think you're doing in here Cas? Passing out drugs like candy, organizing sex fests for the survivors! This isn't some hedonistic get away here." Dean grabbed Cas and hauled him to his feet.   
 "I offer comfort to those that seek it." Cas said through his own haze. He caught himself distracted by Dean's freckled skin.   
 "Bullshit!" Dean growled and he pushed Cas away from him. Cas caught himself on the edge of his little dresser and chuckled.  
 "Is it so wrong to comfort each other? Try and find just one thing to be pleased with in this world gone to hell?" he asked Dean as he lit a joint he pulled from his pocket. The smoke floated around him and Dean glared. In a split second he had the former angel pushed against the wall with an arm across his chest.  
 "We need to be alert Cas, be ready for the attack any minute. Sam could find us..."  
 "Sam is dead." Cas whispered as he let out another puff of smoke. Dean;s eyes widened.  
 "What?"  
 "Sam isn't coming for us Dean, Lucifer is. Sam said yes and now he's gone. Heaven? Hell? Who knows. Maybe he's just gone...poof." he let his hand expand in an immitatoin of an explosion. Dean loosened his arm and stared at the angel.  
 "What happened to you Cas?" he asked getting another face full of smoke.  
 "I chose humanity and then humanity chose the end." Cas grinned with no humor.   
 "Why aren't you fighting with us? Why are you killing yourself with all this shit?" Dean motioned his hand to Cas's bed where there were pill bottles scattered about.  
 "It feels good." Cas shrugged. "It feels good to be up above the clouds, it feels good for the first time in a long time."   
 "So that's it? You've just given up on us? On me?" Dean asked. If Cas had been a little more sober he could have heard the genuine pain in Dean's voice.  
 "You gave up on yourself long before I came around Dean. Why not smoke a little and we'll see where we end up in the morning?" Cas stalked closer to his former Righteous Man.   
 "Cas..." Dean warned as Castiel came closer with a purely predatory look in his eyes. As Dean watched Cas pulled his loose shirt over his head and let it drop to the floor.   
 "Come on Dean. Whats wrong with an hour of comfort when the world is falling apart?" Cas reached up to push Dean's coat off of his shoulders. Dean closed his eyes as he felt the heat from Cas's hands trail over his shoulderblades.   
 "Cas stop." he warned but Cas just chuckled and rested his forehead again Dean's. Dean heard the deep inhale of Cas smoking his joint and when he opened his eyes Cas was leaning in close to him. Before he knew how to react Cas was planting his lips on him, urging his lips to open and exhaling smoke straight in to his mouth.   
 "Why stop Dean?" Cas asked pulling out of the kiss and grinning broadly. He dropped his joint and reached under Dean's shirt to push it up. "I can make you feel so good, just for tonight."  
 "We can't Cas." Dean protested but he didn't move his hands to stop Cas from lifting the shirt over his head. If anything he just watched the angel take in his scarred up chest.   
 "We shoud have been doing this for years Dean, lets catch up." Cas urged moving in for another kiss. This one was wet and sloppy, joined by hands on each other's skin and soft moans filling the air. Dean gave in to his desire and grabbed Cas around his thighs, lifting him so that he was straddling Dean's waist.  
 "Yeah, that's it Dean. Take me." Cas pleaded between wet kisses to Dean's neck. He tightened his legs and rubbed himself against the hunter. Dean groaned and walked to the bed. Reaching behind himself Cas scattered the pill bottles to the floor just as Dean dropped him on to the bed.  
 Later they lay next to each other in the small bed, a joint passing between the two of them, while their bodies cooled. Cas was tacky and wet but had no desire to clean himself up. He caught himself momentarily wishing for his angel powers so he could clean himself up in a snap. He chuckled out the smoke.  
 "What?" Dean asked glancing over towards him. His skin glistened with cooling sweat.   
 "If I was still an angel I could clean all this up with a wave of my hand." Cas sighed still laughing a little.  
 "If you were still an angel there's a lot more you could do than that." Dean sighed.   
 And there it was. Things that could have been, things that should have been, all sitting heavy in the air between them. Dean handed Cas his joint and got up to find his clothes. The former angel watched him as he got dressed and juts before he got to the door he turned back.  
 "This doesn't change anything." he said, his voice regaining the hard steel that was the norm now.  
 "Oh fearless leader, nothing could ever change. Not now." Cas replied and closed his eyes to enjoy his high. The door slammed shut but Cas was already high in the clouds, flying like an angel should.


End file.
